Settling Parent Child Disputes

By Susan M. Keenan

Family life can be a true tug of war, battle of the wills, or let’s see who is the most stubborn contest. Typically, children knock heads with their parents over anything and everything from the simplest to the most difficult decisions. Granted, this isn’t the way that it is, all of the time, or hopefully it isn’t, but it does have a tendency to be like this at least some of the time.

Once a child gets it into his or her mind that he or she is not going to do what it is that you say, the stage is set. Who is going to reach their breaking point first is a very good question. Unfortunately, it’s been my experience that the parent often loses it first. After all, the child just has to sit there and continue to shake her head, say no, over and over again, or pout with his/her arms akimbo and his/her lips jutting out.

At any rate, it is the parent who needs to come up with something real to say. The child just has to sit tight and wait for you to go away. Do you take a stance, give the child an ultimatum, and threaten to take something away? Or perhaps you try to cajole the child and bribe him/her with promises of fun things to do or yummy treats to gorge on? Maybe you simply give up and toss the little darling into his/her bed without his/her favorite stuffed animal of the week.

Meanwhile, it doesn’t matter what you do because the little one has gotten wise to you and your tricks and he/she isn’t having any of it today. The more you threaten, the more he/she says, “I don’t care.” The more you promise, the more he/she says, “I don’t want any.” The more frequently you give up and cave in, the more frequently the child sits and waits patiently for you to abdicate your reign as the one in charge.

What is this situation really about? It’s about both you and the child wanting to win. It’s about both of you wanting to save face so you can still pretend to yourself that you really are in charge. Well then, let’s figure out a way for both of you to save face. The ultimatum relays the information that you are bigger, so you can take things away. The promise of goodies suggests that you know that you are beaten and you are willing to pay a price for what you want. Tossing the child into bed lets the child know that you truly are beaten.

What about offering the child a choice? What about letting the child have a say in what he or she is going to do without bribes or threats? Instead of asking the child to pick up his/her toys, ask if he/she would rather pick up the ones over here or over there. Instead of asking the child to do something that you know he/she doesn’t want to do, ask him/her which of two choices he/she would rather do, knowing full well that he/she doesn’t want to do either.

You might think that this is relinquishing your authority as a parent to do this, but it really isn’t. It actually shows that you respect your child and understand that your child may not want to do certain things. It also shows that you want your child to behave responsibly and to cooperate as a member of the family. Moreover, it shows that you believe in your child’s ability to make the right choice, given the opportunity to do so.

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