man's opinion

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  #1  
Old 09-10-02, 06:11 AM
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Unhappy man's opinion

I really need a man's opinion here. Last night I asked my husband, something that I rarely do, to help me fix the lawn mower. I understand that my husband works hard during the day so that I can stay home and take care of the house and kids. My biggest gripe is that he took off work yesterday to help his brother. My BIL's wife was taken to the hospital and he wanted my husband to pick her car up from her job. No problem there, but he didn't work yesterday so I asked him if he would fix the lawn mower while I fixed dinner and helped the kids with their homework.

I could feel that he was angry that I asked him to do it. Could I have fix it, yes. Am I wrong to assume that some of these things are a man's job? Am I also wrong to ask for help around here since I don't work outside the home?

I'm getting resentful about some of these things. I would love to be able to call it quits after 5 or 6 at night. If the truck needs brakes, tie rods, oil changes, etc. I take care of that (thanks to Joe and the others in the automotive forum). I've learned to rebuild carburators, and even how to repair the glovebox latch. Any repairs to the plumbing or electrical, I do. I guess I get upset the most since he plops down in front of the tv and either watches a ballgame, which is fine, or plays the playstation.

Please don't misunderstand. I love my husband, and he is very kind to me and my children. I just need some help with things. I don't ask him to watch the children, or wash dishes or clothes. I never ask him to do those things, just to help with the big stuff that I have trouble doing. He claims he doesn't know how. I don't know how either. That's why I spend so much time browsing these forums and asking questions. The repair for the lawn mower came from the small engines forum. I printed it so he could look at it. I also went to the site recommended and got a parts listing and a owners manual online for him. He didn't finish the job since I didn't have any carburetor cleaner on hand. He didn't feel like getting out to go get some.

I'm just wondering if maybe I should go ahead and go back to work so I can pay someone else to do these odd jobs that pop up.

Maybe I just don't understand what's going on in his work life. He's not one to talk about work when he gets home so I don't know if he's having really bad days lately or not. I can't tell anymore...he's here, but then again he's not. He's brain-dead and unresponsive on the couch in front of the tv. He hasn't always been like this, but it is happening more often now. I don't want to just leave him alone and just assume that I'm on my own in these things, but I don't know what else to do. If I sit next to him on the couch he'll pull me close and hold me, so I don't think there's a problem with our relationship as a whole.

Any comments are welcome.

Kay
 
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  #2  
Old 09-10-02, 02:16 PM
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the simple truth is that you are taken for granted, he knows that you,ll fix the mower so he sits down and doesn,t worry about it.
it,s time to let him know you are unhappy about this.you can,t keep bottling up all these emotions ,one day you,ll explode.
just pass him the mower ,say "honey,i need this fixing ASAP,and you are doing it ,NOT ME,i haven,t got the time.don,t take NO for an answer.
thats what my wife says to me.
good luck.
 
  #3  
Old 09-10-02, 09:07 PM
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today i had a nightmare of a time at the auto shop, and my husband fixed it all by phone. it never ceases to amaze me how some days he'll jump right in to be my hero and take care of something that a man needs to tend to, and other times he would just say "oh well".

i'm glad today wasn't one of those days. i couldn't stand up for my rights or anything and was getting shafted. i'm usually strong enough for these situations but i am getting tired from always having to be so strong. i want to be taken care of sometimes, too.

i met a girl at the shop while waiting on my truck. she asked me why i don't do special things for myself like get my hair cut at a shop or have my nails done (i know, women do carry on the strangest conversations and do reveal a lot of things about themselves in a short time). my response: why bother. i would ruin my nails on the truck or lawn mower and cutting my hair consists of using the longest blade protector on the clippers so its easier to get the grease from the truck or the dirt/grass from working in the yard out of my hair.

i guess my biggest gripe is that i would like to be a girlie girl sometime. i do like being strong and able to take care of myself. i don't like the fact that i still have to be that way even though i'm married. sometimes i feel like the man of the house. i hate that feeling. i take care of all the finances, diy repairs of the truck or taking it to the shop, diy repairs on the house or arranging for someone else to come fix it, 100% responsibility for all these silly pets my family has, and even had to decide on where we would live, whether or not to buy or rent, etc. it is a big burden for me to bear along with the responsibilities of raising my children along with tending to the normal 'women' stuff around the house. i don't want someone to take over these jobs, but i would appreciate some help with some of them and the major decisions made here.

if i were a single mom i could understand, but i'm not. i'm not saying that i am super woman, but honestly our family falls to pieces if i'm sick. this seems to happen more and more since i'm so tired and beaten down by the stress.

i do try very hard to not blast mike with this stuff, but ask him to help with this or that. easy stuff, not jumping down his throat. i feel awful when i end up having to that because i'm at the end of my rope but it seems to be the only way i can get any help lately.

kay
 
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Old 09-11-02, 06:29 AM
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Hi: kaybyrd

SVT makes an excellent point. In my opinion, the basic cause is most likely there has never been any discussion between you and Mike as to what task, job or function is who's responsibility. The matter has simply become common place, pick and choose.

Without some clearly defined lines on this matter, one spouse will always take for granted the other will do that or this task, job and or function.

Example:
My wife will mow the lawn if I am away or too busy as I will do one of her tasks if she is away or too busy. However, there are lines in this system.

She will not fix the broken sprinkling system water pipe that recently broke nor would I expect her to. Nor would I expect her to change the mower oil, sharpen the blade, etc. She will not expect me to scurb the shower stall, toilet, wash the windows nor the floors, etc.

We both use a system that has mutual duties but also those that are not overlapping. Not to say that this system will work best in all instances or households but it does work for us. Although there are occassional "Bumps" in the road.

I would suggest you and the spouse draw some clearly defined lines on the tasks and whom is responsible for each. The only exceptions would be the in times of illness to the other and or mutual agreements.

In my opinion, your hubby is taking advantage simply because he knows you'll get the task done if he is not held responceable or accountable to get it done. Time then is his best weapon. He does nothing and waits, the work gets done and your doing it.

Since this system has not been in place priorbetween you and he, try the introduction method. Simple say your going to do this task or just do the task without saying anything, while he does another task or does nothing about it.

Then allow him to do it or not do it. Once he chooses which it will be, the results will be known. Do not jump in to rescue him if he elects not to do it asap.

Mowing the lawn is a perfect starting point. The results become known quickly and are clearly visable...

Same for the truck or vehicle he drives, if the battery dies or the tire goes flat...LOL! That's one of his manly chores...

Hope things improve for you if even slightly & noticeably. The web site needs your valueable extra time & expertise posting replies to other peoples problems...

Regards and Thanks for being here. Very much appreciated.
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  #5  
Old 09-11-02, 07:19 AM
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"Time then is his best weapon. He does nothing and waits, the work gets done and your doing it. "

I think that's my problem in almost every aspect of my life. I get impatient with things being left undone, so I jump in and do it myself. He has finally taken the responsibility of mowing and weedeating the lawn. I have the carburator to the mower sitting in the kitchen right now. He hasn't gotten around to cleaning it. I *WAS* going to go ahead and clean it, and reinstall it since it hasn't been done yet. I will be strong, and not do that. Come this weekend when he mows again...well, we'll see. If he goes down the street and borrows his brother's mower I will probably scream! Hopefully not at him or around him since I don't want that to be our way of life. Plus, I feel like I'm his mom instead of a partner.

Yesterday he surprised me by getting supper ready since I had Tae with Ian, then straight to Ian's open house at school, and then home to pick up my high schooler and take her to her open house at school.

I will start this process of 'sharing' responsibilities by stating some help that I need and then exercise some self-control by NOT doing it when it doesn't get done. I guess I could eventually put the parts to whatever he's working on (not working on) on his side of the bed so he has to move them every night to get into the bed?

Thanks guys. This is helping me so much.

Kay
 
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Old 09-12-02, 11:07 AM
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update:

still waiting on the lawn mower to be fixed.

He, however, is getting the hang of this new game that he started on the PC.

Kay
 
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Old 09-13-02, 03:56 PM
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I've tried that argument before, I do all the "mans work" you do all the "womans work". No matter what fight I put up I still end up mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, cleaning up after the kid, cleaning up after dinner, fixing the cars, cleaning the bath rooms, giving the dog a bath, picking up poo in the back yard (maybe I should throw it in the neighbors yard? ) Vaccumming the floor, cleaning the garage, (though I usualy mess it up).

No I don't do all the work, the wife does her fair share. Its just not devided up like it was when I was living with ma and pa.

Ooops forgot I also take out the trash.

When ever I get "that wild" hair I get straightned out pretty quit. If I wanna eat, I gotta find something, I run out of bathroom stuff, guess you forgot to get it at the store? I run out of clean clothes, guess who is no longer doing my laundry. Feeling romantic? nope, cold shoulder. hehehe.


Brian

p.s. My wifes argument is that the car does not always need to be fixed, oil changed, or tire rotated. The lawn does not need to be mowed everyday, I am not always working on the house or fixing up the place. Therefor I will help with housework when not doing "mans" work. Her quote " Why should I do housework 7 days a week while you only work outside on the weekends? You WILL help out or I will refuse to do anything" Thats usualy when I put in "then I am exempt on the days I am working on the car,yard, etc...

Brian
 
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Old 09-13-02, 08:08 PM
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Brian,

I feel like I'm on your end of the deal except I do everything. He just took over mowing the lawn and does that only every other Sunday. I do it the other times. I wash the clothes, fix dinner, take care of the kids, wash dishes, scrub the floors/toilets, fix the truck, edge the yard, replaced the shower stall in the bathroom, rewired and hung the ceiling fan...get the idea?

If my husband would help with just one or two things (the odd things, like the fixing of the lawn mower or at least hanging the ceiling fan) then I would be happy. I'm used to being a single mom. I am used to having to take care of everything myself. Right now all my husband is to me is a paycheck. He earns the money, I do the rest. Sometimes I need help. Its sad that I have to call a a neighbor to come help me pull the tires off the truck (mudders and I'm small) so I can install the brakes. My husband: sitting inside playing a PlayStation game. I don't mind doing things. In fact I take pride in the fact that I can do so much for myself and by myself BUT then when I inadvertantly say something like " I don't want to sell my truck or put this/that on my truck" he takes offense because it is supose to be our truck. He drives it, breaks something and comes home and announces that I need to fix this or that before its driven again. This is my only means of transportation. I have 3 children living at home. He drives a service truck. I whine about this stuff, but really get pissed off when he tells me he will take care of something and then doesn't. I would rather him be honest and tell me that he doesn't want to or won't because he doesn't like to. I hate being lied to, and would rather someone simply say no than to tell me their going to take care of something and don't.

I know this is a losing battle for me. Its rare that my time is so limited that I can't take care of everything myself and usually do. There are times I wish I didn't have to be so tough, greasy or sweaty to survive. I'd like to be a girl. Another point is that while we dated (2 years) he wouldn't let me work on my truck or car by myself. He was always right out there with me. Always jumping in and helping me with housework, kids, etc. Always doing with me, instead of sitting around watching me do it. I don't know why after two years of dating (one of which we lived together) that all that changed after we were married. When he asked me to marry him I thought that I was getting a life partner, not a combo sugardaddy/kid to raise.

I always hated women that expected their husband's to come home from a hard day at work (unless they worked too) and have all the yard, house repair and auto repair work to do. I've wanted to balance it for my husband. The scales have tipped in the wrong direction. Its all on my back except for earning the money. My husband doesn't have a really hard job. Some times it is hard physically, but for the most part he stands around giving orders out. I also realize that being mentally stressed is worse than being physically stressed from your job, too.

I just believe is you see a need, fill it. If you don't know how, ask around or ask for help. I can't afford to hire someone to do these things unless I go back to work. Then I can't get to work because I have to be around when the work is done. Catch22 at times.

Kay
 
  #9  
Old 09-16-02, 08:37 PM
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Update

Guess the bottom line is that some of this stuff just isn't important. Not enough to get upset over.

I've once again shirked off going to the doctor when sick with bronchitis and it has gotten worse. Mike put me in the bed this afternoon and took over all the household duties. The homework is done, kids fed, bathed and in bed now.

He took off work tomorrow to take me to the doctor. I don't like to drive when on medication and he volunteered to take me.

I'll try hard not to forget in the future that this is why I married him. He is there for me when I really need him. I'm grateful that he is patient with me and my 4 children. So what if he doesn't have the drive to be mechanical. He's there supporting our family financially and emotionally everyday. Oh, my mom likes him. My mom doesn't like anyone. She adores the emotional support he is for me, and even more by how my kids talk about him and adore him. I think I owe him an apology.

Kay
 
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Old 12-13-02, 05:53 PM
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update on mower

Just wanted you all to know that my husband fixed the lawnmower a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, it was due to the fact that my brother in law found these posts here and told him to read them. Ooops. Oh well, lawn is mowed (thank goodness since its snowing today) and he cleaned the house up while I was out of town.

Strange what power the written word has over spoken ones.

go figure...

Kay
 
  #11  
Old 12-17-02, 07:57 PM
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Hi Kay, I already went thru all you said, with the difference that when I got sick, he will call my mother so she could take care of me...
Probably it is too late already, but my advice to you is, if something needs to be repair/done, look up at the roof so you don't see what has to be repair/done. If that doesn't work, go to the bathroom, fill up the bathtub and give yourself a bubble bath and let your husband to worry, he has to have his share of responsibility in your home/marriage also.
Although with me, not everything went so bad, really. When we divorced, I didn't miss him much, because I knew how to do almost everything at home. He missed me more, he called me every month to ask me how to fill the child support check...
I know... I cannot help myself either, always trying to solve everything by myself, but the truth is when everyone has his share of responsibility (and I'm including the children also), the marriage works better, because that makes everyone to feel important and needed, and since the work is shared by all, the time to spend together enjoying yourselves grows...

Eduh
 
  #12  
Old 12-18-02, 05:32 AM
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Eduh,

Thank you for replying. I felt the same way about my second husband as you do/did in your post. When I left (he was physically and mentally abusive) and I didn't miss him after I left. I thought it would be so hard to raise two small children on my own, take care of the bills, working, etc. Actually, it was easier after I left since I had one less person to take care of and also didn't have to walk on pins and needles all day long. He would call and ask how to balance the checkbook, how to write a check, etc. It was strange since all along he told me that I wasn't good at those things while we were married, but since I was gone he realized that he didn't know how to do those things. Where to get groceries, etc. Pretty sad. No, unfortunately I didn't take pleasure in it. I felt sorry for him.

My husband today (this is my third) is doing better. He is a sweet heart, but I have trouble with some things because he forgets that there is more to having a family than just paying bills, and I forget that I've been married, owned a house, been a parent, and he hasn't.

I've heard that I need to make a 'honey do' list from other members and also from my husband. Its my fault that it never gets done (the list) because as I sit and write down things I picture having to show him how to do a lot of it and then I figure I may as well do it myself since its less trouble. I think, though, that I'm going to just make the list and climb into the bubble bath. Instead of directions, I will have him a screen name assigned here on DIY and leave it as our homepage. Maybe then he will ask the questions here instead of me asking them because most of the time, I don't know how to do it either! This is where I come to learn how to fix the commode, the dishwasher, etc. I have a ton of how-to books, but none even come close to the detailed and helpful information that I get here.

Now I'm off to finish sorting through papers to make sure that I'm ready for tax time. Now that we have purchased this house I can itemize and need to make sure that I have all the other documents in order. I have been so unorganized this year. I am ashamed of myself! Usually I am on top of these things all year long so there isn't that rush and gather to find things. I am hoping that this new year will be different for me.

Kay
 
  #13  
Old 12-19-02, 09:28 AM
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Kay, just some thoughts.
Either your husband is a clod (I bring home the money, you do everything else) or..

Have you considered that he may, in fact, be suffering from depression? Depression takes many forms, withdrawing from life into your own little world is definately one of them.

Just something to consider.
 
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Old 12-19-02, 10:11 AM
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I've often wondered if it might be, but I can't tell. He's such a calm person anyway. Nothing seems to bother him. Now that you mention it he's been more quiet than usual. I also hear him moan in his sleep like he's either having a bad dream or just uncomfortable.

Is there a way that I can approach him with something like this? If I ask him if he's okay, or anything bothering him he says no, and that he's fine.

Kay
 
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Old 12-19-02, 11:22 AM
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At this point, I'm going to defer and say ask your doctor. Just say you have a friend whos been acting ________ and you're wondering if they might be depressed, how can I approach them about this.
 
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Old 12-19-02, 12:39 PM
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I do need to go back to the doctor about my leg so I will ask him about it. It could very well be that he is depressed. Maybe it is a bigger burden than he realized to be married, have children and now he's a homeowner.

This is why I asked for a man's opinion. I worry about having something to eat for the kids, the appearance of the home, making sure that the bills get paid. On and on...

I know what pressure there is to being the breadwinner, but I'm not sure what its like when you're a man. I've heard that being able to support your family is a tremendous pressure, and even worse when you would like to 'spoil' your family. My husband would give us the moon if he could. We don't ask for it, I would rather have my husband not work as many hours to have him around than have a huge house (huge mtg), and a new car.

Maybe my concerns over paying bills and being able to do this, that or the other has been taken wrong by him. When I say that I've misbudgeted and now we can't pay for this for the kids, or that for us may mean to him that he doesn't make enough money?

I will listen carefully to what my husband says, and I will also watch carefully what comes out of my mouth. I will also talk to my doctor.

Thanks!

Kay
 
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Old 12-19-02, 08:04 PM
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Kay:

Maybe he is depressed as you said, maybe he needs some "feminine" psychology.
They say that men react different than us women, and I think it is true. When you ask something to a man, his answer generally means what he says, "Honey, are you feeling bad?", "No, I'm not", which means "No, I'm not". If you ask the same question to a woman, she can means "no", or she can means "ask me again so I can tell you how bad I feel today, and I felt yesterday and the day before". The man can be upset if you insist. the woman can get upset if you don't.
If you want him to do something, maybe instead of asking or telling him to do it, you can "try" to do it, but you can not, because "oh my God, I am so clumsy!". That way he feels it is his duty, (because he is so clever), and he will do it, and then he is going to be your "heroe". (Men like to feel important).
Of course, I learnt that after I divorce.
But it is important that he knows how you feel (see how he reacted when he knew about what you wrote here?), although remember that for some men it is very difficult to speak and show their emotions.
Maybe a good idea is to write from time to time how you feel and give it to him, and try to make some contact whith his feelings that way.
Oh, my God! my brain is smoking already!
Sorry, I got to go, it is too late already and I have to work overtime tommorrow. I have been working overtime the whole week so I can get three days off next week. (I think I will be sleeping the whole three days).
Hope everything goes well for you...

Eduh
 
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Old 12-20-02, 05:53 AM
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I'm trying to figure out the newest development! I'm not sure how to take it. He was talking about how to budget out this paycheck. Not so much budget it, but reminding me that since its the holidays to not spend too much at the wholesale store since we will run into financial problems again at the first of the year if we aren't careful. He also mentioned calling one of our creditors to see if we could swap which part of the month the payment is due. This is all fine and well. I love having him involved in the money decisions HOWEVER, if he bails on me again and I'm left trying to manage the money according to his game plan and desires without him then I'm wondering if I'm going to lose it!

I do know that he got me pretty depressed yesterday evening. I felt good, had a great practice at tae, am excited about the tae school moving to the new location, and then he starts getting me all worried about finances. I'm sure this just feels odd to me since its out of the norm, not what I'm use to from him.

I know that sometimes he doesn't talk to me about things at work, bad things, since I do worry. I tried to change the way I responded last night by listening carefully to what he said. I hushed the desire to tell him to lighten up because it isn't that dire, but didn't . He's talking now so I've got to deal what I asked for...him talking to me about things.

Stay close guys! I'm confused and have an opportunity to actually learn to speak and listen to my husband in a productive way. I also have the opportunity to have him full-on in the management of the family. Sure don't want to screw it up!

Kay
 
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Old 12-20-02, 04:47 PM
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Go girl! Keep trying, and whenever you feel down, write it here. If nobody answer you immediately, you are going to feel better anyway, because your letting go your frustration.

Eduh
 
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Old 12-24-02, 07:24 PM
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Well, Kay, you answer everyone else's posts religiously so I think I owe you an answer as well. Your husband is likely a good guy or you wouldn't have married him (and you already said it, too...)... but as someone pointed out, we usually will do what we can get away with when it comes to home... While I don't think it is fair to dump all of the duties on you in exchange for his day of work, it is not that uncommon. Speaking from an average males point of view, we are just very tired when we get home, and while we appreciate the difficulty of your job as a housewife, we have a hard time deep down admitting that we think your job is as hard as ours. Because while you might take care of the kids, the car, the lawn, etc, etc... we do our 40 hour a week job and then come home to find out we are still ultimately responsible for making sure that the house is mechanically sound, the bills are paid, the kids are healthy, the wife is happy, etc, etc. (I recognize there are those of you out there that don't fit this scenario but we are talking about Kay at the moment.) When I say ultimately responsible, what I mean is that if the mortgage doesn't get paid or the lights get turned off or the car gets repoed, everyone will assume that the hubby is not taking care of business. (By the way, I don't mean to say that this is correct thinking or the way things really are, but that our perception can be skewed that way sometimes.) So we sometimes get into a mode of just putting out fires... we spend the day stressed at work, then we come home and just hope there is not some disaster at home to take care of, then we sit for a bit and try not to think of anything for awhile just to wind down... During that period, we don't generally want small talk, cuddling, talk of bills or business, or unnecessary badgering about anything that could be put off until later... During this wind down period is when my wife will generally give up and assume that I don't intend to help with anything, when in reality if she gives me that first thirty minutes or so, she could come to me with just about anything and ask me calmly and I would handle it. Unfortunately, if I don't get asked at that point, I get tied up doing something I enjoy like playing PC games or watching some TV and the night gets away from me. What is my point? I am not quite sure except to say that the best way to approach me is to let me get in the door, help keep the kids off of me for half an hour, give me a little breather... THEN come to me and just as calmly as if you are talking about Sunday brunch, say "Honey, I am having trouble getting the lawnmower going. Do you think you could help me get it going?" See the key points there? First, you seemingly accept the fact that it was your responsibility to get it going to begin with. Second, you appeal to my ego by insinuating that I might fix it where you have failed... Anyway, that is not to say that you should grovel, but the point is, that is just a lot more tactful, diplomatic, non-confrontational way of asking than saying "Honey, I thought you said you were going to fix the lawnmower 2 months ago!"... or "Honey, if I had known it was going to take this long to get the mower going, I would have sharpened my nail clippers and begun last week."... No accusation, no confrontation... Just two people with a common goal of keeping the HOME functioning and maintained. I suspect that as hard as you try, your requests for his help sometimes don't quite come out as non-threatening as you would like. My wife is quite literally the sweetest person I have ever met, and she still has a hard time not saying something confrontational when she needs me to do something. In fact, in your post here you were as sweet as molasses, and your hubby responded better to that, and to the fact that you were legitimately seeking help, than he does to your usual requests... Anyway, that is just my take from my own marriage experience and my own shortcomings as a typical domineering, headstrong male....
 
  #21  
Old 12-25-02, 07:12 AM
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Ragnar

You gave me a lot to think about, and it makes sense. I see know that even though I've walked a mile in "head of household" shoes, I haven't walked a mile in HIS shoes.

Its not always black and white, there are those wonderful shades of gray in between.

I guess the reason my husband doesn't say to me what you wrote is that he probably because he has and I've taken it wrong, or he didn't want to burden me with anything else. Probably more about what I will post about later.

I read this last night before I left for our holiday festivities with my family (mom and brothers). Made me smile, and then apparently got me to thinking while I was there. I'm planning to head back over to mom's so I won't be online until tonight but would like to write what I've discovered about me and why I think that a lot of this is mine. I caused it in a round about way (actually directly, but for reasons round about).

I will post tonight after I get home what I've discovered about myself. Not nice, but at least I am aware of it and can start to try to make changes in myself that will help around here, too. I hope to become a better and more understanding wife, and mother.

Have a great day today! Its starting out to be a great day for me. Wonderful how just a little insight can bring such awareness!

Thanks again everyone....

Kay
 
  #22  
Old 12-26-02, 10:08 AM
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oops

I wrote: "Made me smile, and then apparently got me to thinking while I was there." AND "Wonderful how just a little insight can bring such awareness!"

Maybe it wasn't such a good thing for me to go to my mom's house with such awareness, thinking and seeing things through different eyes.

I am my mother's daughter, and I don't see how my family stands me LOL. I went as myself, the person I want to be. The mom I want to be, the wife I want to be...and it wasn't pretty.

I left because I was disgusted with things that were said, attitudes and the fact that I didn't want to cause a scene. Most people don't like arguing with me because for the most part I fight with words not volume or fists. Sometimes I get loud, though. I have been blessed with a powerful voice that carries well at a medium volume. My oldest has also been blessed with this voice, and we have to watch it.

I did say a few things before I left that needed to be said. It was so strange that I kept hearing all the what I should do or should not do when it came to situations with the children while we were there, asked to get the kids to quit doing this that or the other, and when I would was told to take them outside to do it?...but when I told the kids to pack up because we were going on home all of the sudden it become "try to convince Kay to stay" time. My youngest brother was the one who was constantly telling the kids to be quiet while watching tv, etc (this was suppose to be family time, not tv time and they were playing with their gifts) - is also the one who is constantly telling me how to raise my kids. Funny, he's 36, just moved out of mom's house 2 or 3 years ago, doesn't have any children and never been married. Can't keep a girlfriend, etc. I'm not cutting down anyone that hasn't been married or had children. My older brother doesn't want to be married or have children. He loves my children but doesn't tell me how to raise them. He says that he's too selfish to think of anyone but himself. Such honesty is beautiful. He is a very loving and giving person, too. Mom asked me not to punish her by leaving. I told her that I'm not punishing anyone, just refuse to be there if I'm making people uncomfortable - which obviously our presence was doing that. I also reminder her that her opening statement to me when we arrived Christmas eve was "you're late, and have ruined everything".

Okay, what my point is even though it may not be obvious in what I wrote above is: I was raised on a schedule. If the schedule is not met to a 'T' then it always threw things off. I tried to meet everyone's expectations. Never possible, but if I did obtain it once or twice, then I was expected to achieve bigger and better or it actually wasn't good enough.

It was amazing how much I enjoyed Christmas day after I got back home. We went down to my sister-in-law's house. Ate not good for you food until we were stuffed, laughed and played with the kids (even while watching tv!). So relaxed, and so much fun.

I can't be angry at my family for this. This belongs to me. This nightmare life that I live and reproduce for my children is mine. I am an adult now. I can affect change. I realize that in my 18 years of being a mother that only 3 or 4 Christmas' have been spent in my own home. Of the 7 years I was married to my first husband I only spent 1 with him. He refused to go to my family's house for Christmas. I understand why, never made him go but how low could I be!?! I chose my parents over him. Same with the second husband. Not happening with this one! He goes on Christmas eve with me to my mom's, but spends the actual day with his family (brothers) instead. Duh, we should be here with him, too. No wonder my 18 yo is doing better since he moved all the way to Vegas. He's 28 hours away from me, his dad (who is just like my mother) and my mother. He has so much self-esteem, direction and is a wonderful young man. Am so proud of him, especially since he's overcoming our disfunctional family beautifully and at a young age. His life can be good.

I'm going to practice becoming more tolerant of the fact that we are all human. I'm going to practice stating clearly what I need from others instead of expecting them to already know. Instead of the attitude of 'if you work on this then I can be doing this' will become 'can we do this project together so it goes faster'.

Guys, all these responses to my post has been great. I sat last night and remembered things my therapist told me years ago (haven't seen her in over 7 years, but she armed me with wonderful tools to therapy myself - which I have put aside for some unknown reason).

1. I am not your happiness guru.
2. I am not as powerful as you make me out to be.
3. You are not as powerful as (sorry, didn't finish the sentences when I originally posted)... I allow you to be.

Have company so I will post later.

Kay
 

Last edited by kaybyrd; 12-30-02 at 08:32 AM.
  #23  
Old 01-02-03, 09:24 AM
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related to another post of mine

This is what I posted in reply to another question I had in regards to one of my children. It is in parenting and the thread title is "sad child". I think the two are directly related! In fact, I know they are. Instead of linking to it, I've copied and pasted it here.
*************************************************

I've been noticing some things about her behavior. No, I've been noticing things about my behavior. When she asks me a question, I don't look at her when I answer her unless we're sitting at the table or I happen to be facing her when she asks something.

I've also noticed that I don't look any of my children in the eyes when I speak to them or them to me, most of the time I don't even look at them period.

Anyway, yesterday I was sitting at the table trying to unwind for the evening. It was about 10:30 last night, and she kept wanting to tell me her list for her birthday. This is the same list that is ever changing, and apparently had changed from the one given to me 4 hours before. I looked her in the eye when she said my name. She said "never mind, you look tired. I'll talk to you later about it". She smiled and went off to her room.

Okay, Twelvepole, you mentioned depression in the family. I have had periods as long as 60 days of being imobilized by sadness. I was begging for someone (my mom) to help me. I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I couldn't drive because I was also having panic attacks. What brought me out of it was some neighbors making me go outside. Get fresh air and watch my children play (they had been taking my kids to the pool and playground for me during this time). While at the pool or playground, they would look at me and smile. Touch my hand while talking to me. I snapped out of that depression rather quickly and was back at work within a few weeks. Since I have frequent bouts of bronchitis and visit the family doc every two or three months, I keep talking to him about my depressions/panic attacks. Wonderful man, he gives me ideas of how to deal with these situations. If there are any changes that he feels warrants it, I will begin seeing a therapist again. So far I haven't been depressed in over 3 years. A little blue, but not depressed.

Now I understand that my depressions stem from pushing myself too hard, and feeling unloved and appreciated. I discovered, well rediscovered some of the sources of this during my visit Christmas day with my family in Memphis, that I take too many things personal. If you are too busy, then I take that as you don't love me. If you criticize me, even constructively, I take it personally. If I do something amazing or well and it is brought up that maybe I could try this or that now, I take is as I'm not good enough.

Since the holidays are stressful for me, I have been withdrawn and angry. This is when the sadness surfaced in my daughter. The oldest daughter has been more troublesome, and the youngest son has been clingy and whiney.

Ragnar, bless his heart, asked me to read one chapter of a book. I did, and see how the power of words affect me. The words that I use make me feel worse, and the words others use makes feel bad, too, but only because I label these actions/words with big, bad ugly words, too. I also realized after reading this chapter the reason I haven't been depressed is because my doctor told me to call those periods of discomfort, periods of discontentment. That these periods aren't bad, just uncomfortable since it is actually a time of being able to affect change for the better in my life. To grow. They affect me negatively since there are so many choices and I become afraid of making a mis-step or mis-choice.

What I'm practicing and going to continue practicing (please check me on this!) is to not use dramatic words to describe a situation. Yes, I was *disenchanted* by what happened Christmas day at my mom's. I am every year. I expect it, therefore it happens (seek and ye shall find). I don't save money even though I know how to do it, because I'm not sure what to do with the money I've saved. Duh, a savings account is a great place if I'm afraid of trying the investment game. Better than what I'm doing now LOL. I spend money because I'm bored. Okay, bored. How can anyone be bored? Life has so much to offer. Last night I thought I was bored. Not really. It felt uncomfortable (out of my comfort zone) to not have anything pressing in front of me. I could be still and quiet for a few minutes. Instead of playing into a dramatic word/statement of "I'm bored" I took the time to look through a cookbook I received for Christmas to jot down the ingredients of some receipes I'd like to try.

My life is challenging, true, but that makes it not boring and an adventure if I let it be. I also realize that even though it took walking into my mother's house Christmas day with eyes open, I did see what causes my discomfort starting as early as Thanksgiving. The cause: out of 18 years of me being a mother, I have spent only 3 christmases at my home with my children. I have spent only 2 Thanksgivings at my home. I go to my mom's house every year, she cooks, and that's my Thanksgiving. This year is going to be different. I want to have Thanksgiving here. I've only cooked one turkey in my life. I can do it, it will be fun! An adventure. I want to spend Christmas eve here, wake up Christmas morning and have our fun, then visit later in the afternoon with other family members. I am going to have a live tree this year. Lights on the house and plenty of yard obstacles! I am going to bake lots of not too good for you foods, and play lots of games with the kids. Instead of listening to them laugh as they play games, I am going to join in this year.

I'm going to look at my children when they speak to me. Touch them with love at times they don't expect it. Hug them and hold their hands. Give to them what I wanted when I was a child. Unconditional signs of love and affection.

This year will be different for us. A year of change. It will move us out of our comfort zone (what we're use to) but we will all benefit from it.

Kay
 
  #24  
Old 01-06-03, 09:27 AM
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Kay: Just line up a list of the pending things you need done and then attach an approximate cost to everything and tell him you will be calling contractors/mechanics/gardners/PC repair...... professionals because they need to get done and you will not do them all. I think the overall cost alone may spark him to help out. ALSO, maybe tell him whats going on, how you feel, and you guys can assign projects and timeframes (approximate) to complete them on your (both of you) own.

My wife does work 4 days full time and babysits 2 other days for more money, she is 4 months pregnant now too. We came to a conclusion that she will do the cleaning and decorating (recently purchased home that needs LOTS of reno.) and I will vacuum the entire house, do all sheetrocking, painting, fixing, heater work, put up hardware, organize basement.

She feels her work is not permanent since it needs to be done weekly or twice a week. Whereas mine is (example) the refinishing of a room and the job is DONE. I simply make her feel needed becasue without her I would have no groceries, clean bed, clean clothes, etc. Its a HUGE effort.

We by no means assigned gender roles, but when I clean I am cursury. She does not currently have the skills to build a shelving system....etc. So we split forces and get things done. Some nights I am in the basement cutting wood and she is going through decorating books, websites and we stay busy.

Moral of the story. Tell him you need help or you need to contract work out. Hoepfully you guys can then open a dialog as to the problem and then propose a solution. peace: e3 - spamman
 
  #25  
Old 01-06-03, 05:26 PM
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Wink WOW!

Kaybird,
I would like to commend you on your drive and determination to solve the worlds problems and fix every single broken thing in the house! You are a very responsible woman, who would like to get things done today, because you know there will be more to do tomorrow.
Please, let me say.....I feel you are a lovely person and any man would be honored to have as a wife. I am writing in the best of hopes that it will help you and your husband. In the process there may be things you don't like, and some (I hope) you do.
Reading through your posts, this is some of the things I have learned about you:
You don't get along with you family well. I believe this has been an on going problem. Never quite good enough.
You have been married three times, at least one of which was abusive.
Your children are from previous relationships.
Your present husband has never been married, may be younger than you.
You feel more comfortable asking for help from strangers, than you do from your husband/children.
I believe, you find things easier to do yourself than having to ask some else to do them. Or at least, quicker.
You experiance bouts of feeling tired, run-down, useless, unloved etc. Yet it doesn't take much of an effort from others to make this feeling go away.

I think you have a multitude of things going on in your life, some have to do with you, others have to do with those around you.

Your husband needs to get off the couch and do things around the house! He may work eight hours a day, but you are working twelve to fourteen. I know he is the bread winner and helps to support the family. However, if he had to pay you for all the things you do, he would have to be working another job ( that would bring him up to sixteen hours a day).
Through your posts, I read several times "my kids". Yet there was mention of how much the kids love your husband and how good he is to them. Should these statements be revised to "our kids"? If you had these childran prior to your marriage, he knew what he was getting into and excepted the fact he was getting a family.
You also made the statement that he found out about this post and it made him feel the need to mow the lawn. Why do you think this happened? I think he saw the need, felt embarassed cause he knows he should be the one out there and acted on it. He may have been able to work his way up to doing it, by telling himself on Wednesday, "I have to mow the lawn on Saturday." It wasn't a last minute decision. Maybe that "honey-do" list is a good idea. I know it works for me!
Your husband sounds like he could be a great guy, but you two need to talk about things. He needs to TRY to understand where you have been and what you have been through, same for you. Don't expect him to understand all the undercurrents in you life, or just exactly how you feel when certain phrases are used...he can't, he wasn't there. However, he can TRY.
I could write so much to you, as your marriage is not that differant than mine, however, I am in your husbands shoes. My wife and I have both been married before. We have childran from those marriages and some from ours. She was in a very abusive marriage prior to meeting me. We got caught up in the same situation as you are now. I would work, sit, sleep and she would do most of the other stuff. I did work on the cars and yard, but like someone else said, "That isn't a everyday thing." She would stay up til all hours of the night trying to get as much done as she could, house cleaning, dishes, laundry, home decorating, praying, sewing, ironing, planting, etc...... Why, did she do all this? Because I was such a great man.....I treated her well, took care of HER children, treated HER with love and didn't beat HER. What a bunch of BS, this all turned out to be. I do treat her well, take care of our children and don't beat her but it is because I love her, not because of all the things she was trying to do!
I did take advantage of her doing all these things, for quite awhile. She would ask me to do something, I would say okay. Wait, wait, wait, go to do it and it would be done (she did it). Ok, back to the tv. This process would repeat itself over and over. She would get mad, I would stomp off and do whatever it was that needed done. Than she would ask to have something done and I would do it.....and she was thankful, happy and life was good. Time to go back to step one, taking advantage. What a terrible cycle we get caught in. One that is so very hard to get out of.
Your husband sounds like many men out there, the ole "If it isn't broke, don't fix it." It is time he knows the relationship isn't broke, but sure has one hell-of-a crack! Which is like running your engine low on oil, it will run but for how long is anybodies guess.
I am by no means a shrink or claim to be, but I do know you both have to understand there is a reason why you fell in love and get back to that point or as close to it as you can.
You may have to realize that things of the past can effect how you handle situations now, rather good or bad.
I guess the biggest, most rewarding part of my marriage has been me learning how to communicate with my wife. We don't get it right all the time, have had several of those "how not to talk to one another" conversations. However, we are getting better at not taking everything so lateral or personal. Allowing the other to blow off steam without looking for the solution. So I guess, instead of learning how to talk to each other, we are learning how to LISTEN to each other.
I know I haven't touched on all the issues I had posted earlier in this post.....and maybe I shouldn't. You ask me and I will.
There is no right or wrong way of doing all this, if there was we would be able to buy the "Twelve Steps to a Fantastic Relationship" book and all be so positively sugarly sweet and happy we would all get sick!
Remember, you have the right to..........(you fill in the blank)!
Hang in there, good luck
 
  #26  
Old 01-08-03, 12:25 PM
maggy1
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fixing stuf

"As a sometimes very impatient woman, I simply cannot understand why people can't do what I ask in the time frame I want it done in" was a sentence i would have said years ago.

There are too many I's in that sentence.......realizing now that other people have things to do also. If I want it done now, I do it....if I want it done later, I ask someone else and, unless work related, never ask for a time line.

It's sometimes difficult to do but I bet you will find it less stressful!
 
  #27  
Old 01-21-03, 01:46 PM
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Trying2Help and Maggie,

Thanks for responding. I've recently read a book called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". Very interesting concepts!

I believe the times that I get the most frustrated with my husband are when he's working only 8 hours a day. When my hubby works those few hours, it usually means that he's been sitting at a job site for a few hours, then off to the shop for some chit chat, etc. since there isn't actually any work to be done. Just showing up at the site (as project manager) gets him an 8 hour day no matter how long he actually stays. I know that he wants me happy. That is what seems to motivate him. I try to be happy as I ask him (again) to fix the dishwasher. This I do with a smile on my face as I'm washing dishes for 6 people by hand and standing on wet towels since the dishwasher leaks. He finally worked on it. He then went out of town. I told him that it wasn't leaking anymore. I thanked him and told him how I didn't know how I was going to handle the loads of dishes, but he solved that. Okay, reality...I fixed the dishwasher after he left. Its a lose-lose situation for the most part. I am, however, sincerely grateful for his efforts. That meant the world to me.

We had a crisis, well still going through it, since he's been out of town. He has been handling it from there. If he was home, he wouldn't have bothered with it. Funny, if he had handled it here like he said he would, then the major side of it wouldn't have occurred.

I'm not going to let any of this get me down. So far since my Vegas trip I have dealt with the water being cut off, no money to turn it back on...my car being repo'd (what he's handling now from afar)...all the while trying to squeeze a dime out of a penny since we're running at the bottom of our funds.

I have my health, my children are clothed and fed, my husband has a job and life is good. Just different at the moment, but good. Such adventures. Thank goodness we didn't sell the truck when we tried. I still have a means of transportation, and my SIL and BIL are helping with errands and keeping my spirits up.

Life is good if I let it be!

Kay
 
  #28  
Old 01-21-03, 02:54 PM
maggy1
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man's opinion

Hi: Boy, are you sure you're not in Canada? I have a friend who sounds like they are in the same boat you are!

Anyway, to give you a lift - i have a very close friend who is dying - he can't help it and there's nothing anyone can do. When I first found out, I was very sad and couldn't talk to him about it.

Then, during one of our conversations, he mentioned he was afraid to go to sleep at night for fear he wouldn't wake up and that that was the time he got most scared..........

Now, when I talk to him, I listen to his voice very carefully because I want to remember what it sounds like and I treasure every minute I can spend with him,e ven though I'm scared, when I leave, I'll never see him again..

A lot depends on how you look at things:
You can get down in the dumps about what's wrong or you can dig in, fix what you can and look around every day for the positives: your husband loves you, you have children who must bring you joy every day and life can ALWAYS BE WORSE!

Only you can control what goes on in your life and how you deal with it.........you can leave and start over or dig in and look for the sunshine which happens, even for a small moment, every day.

My friend says it's nice to talk to me because I'm always cheery - he doesn't know that I want to grab him and protect him from what's killing him and that I'll miss him every day he's gone.
So, you see, sometimes what you bring to people comes back in little ways.........you just have to look for them when you need them.


Hope things get better - just think - when things get better - you will look back and laugh (and you will, even though you think you won't now) and you will know how tough you are.
 
  #29  
Old 01-21-03, 03:32 PM
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Things could be so much worse. This all is just the finalee (sp?) to what we've been working on changing for a few months now. In trying to readjust, we knew that things were going to get cut off and that other problems would surface. Once back on track and our new spending habits and budget this should not happen again any time soon.

I know that the financial part is due to the fact that I rebel against my hubby at times. So that he will jump up and help me I create a crisis. This is the only time that he reacts to much around here. I tease my husband about if I were to die, his world would fall apart. He says that isn't true.

me: okay, where are the smoke detectors?
him: we have smoke detectors?
me: yes, those things that are going off right now since I opened the oven door and the burner is on fire.
him: oh.

me: what regular bills have to be paid each month for you to have lights, water and heat?
him: MLGW
me: quietly smirking since we don't live in the great state of Tennessee anymore, and haven't for over a year. We pay 3 different places for those utilities.

me: who is your wireless service with?
him: bellsouth
me: nope, bellsouth sold out to Cingular awhile ago.

me: can I have a landline?
him: we don't have a regular phone?
me: no dear, we haven't had one in over 8 months.
him: oh.

He does know who we bank with only because I griped at him so long about using foreign atms (fees, fees and more fees) that he learned the name of our bank.

I know these sound like petty things, but it amazes me how unaware of the simple things in our lives. He would never remember to pay the mtg or car note, etc. I don't want him to keep up with actually paying these things, but to be aware of the bills and help me budget and plan. I do stress from having 4 kids wanting this, that or the other along with the needs for school. I get mixed up when pay periods are and need help with remembering how many hour are expected on this check, etc. Just a little help would go a long way in this head of mine!

Another things that doesn't help with the finances is that he never tells me how much he's withdrawn from the atm when he stops. Sometimes its a small amount, but if he has to purchase a tool for work he just gets the money and buys it. He still says that the bank says there is xxx amount in the bank, but I can't get it through his head that they don't know what bills I've paid so there is no way that balance will reflect what is in there and what's already had a check written against.

If I give him a fixed amount for the week, say an average of what he usually spends per week, he will find something to buy with it. When its gone, he gets more. Lack of communication.

I know that these issues can be resolved, but at this point haven't a clue. I try different methods to open the lines of communication with him and none have worked so far. I don't want my husband to be just a paycheck to me and this family. I may just go back to work to help eliminate this problem.

Guess I've griped long enough!

kay
 
  #30  
Old 01-22-03, 05:24 AM
maggy1
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possible solution

Your problem sounds remarkably like a couple I know - they spend so much time battling each other, they don't team up for the outside battles.


Involve the rest of the family in the budgeting - if you have to, get the money budgetted for the week, put it on the kitchen table and give everyone a choice of where it goes....you will find the word "need" gets used less and less as they see the money disappear.

Take away everyone's bank card and credit card - if you believe you can budget and control the money responsibily then do it......at the beginning of the year, figure out how much per month you HAVE to deposit in the bank to pay the bills including insurances, groceries, etc - throw away the credit cards (or keep one in the house for EMERGENCIES ONLY) - they are just debt waiting to happen - whatever you do, deposit the money in the bank to pay the bills. Then take what's left (hopefully there is some) and give everyone an opportunity to discuss where it goes. You would be surprised if you keep a jar on your dresser and drop in your change how much it adds up in a year - use this for kids savings.

If your husband "needs" a new tool, budget for it. Save over a few weeks then buy it. Perhaps if the family has to do that on a regular basis, the perspective of what is needed will change.

Whatever you do, stick to your budget. If you give in once, it will become twice rather quickly then three times, etc.

Be tough - in the end everyone will win.
 
  #31  
Old 01-22-03, 06:00 AM
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My husband's check is direct deposited into our account. Neither of us have credit cards anymore. They were big problems with both of us. Good intentions, gone bad LOL.

It seems that the only major bills that get paid or the ones that are drafts automatically from the bank. I would set the mtg and car pyt up that way, but their due dates don't fall when the money hits the bank. I am working on changing this.

I got frustrated and as a result fell into the trap of paying by cut off notice. Late fees for a year alone would pay for groceries for a month. Money wasted.

The tools are rare that he purchases. If he breaks or loses a tool he immediately has to purchase another one to finish the job. This is hard to budget in. However, if he would check with me on these things beforehand, he could use the option of having the company purchase the tool and a deduction being taken out of his check. This is what we have used for the larger ticketed items that he must have, and it is nice since it is proof of work expenses that are deductible on our tax returns. He can't manage to keep up with receipts long enough during the day to get them where I can keep them in the tax file. Most of the times that he has gone in to have the company purchase the tools for him, they have not charged him for them at all. He just doesn't like messing with the paperwork. I understand where he is coming from since I don't like the paperwork either, but it is necessary for our survival. We both having these type stumbling blocks that we need to work on. We are doing so much better than before, yet still have a ways to go.

He is coming home from Nashville today to help me straighten out some things and then is going back tomorrow. That is the plan, anyway. Its early and I'm not sure if it will be today or tomorrow, but we're shooting for today. Nashville is only 3 hours from here so I asked him to please come home and handle some of these things that I can't. Some of these matters can only be dealt with by him. He has been trying to handle them on the phone, but it works so much easier and faster if he is here in person.

Thanks for responding. The more ideas and insight I get the better things look for us. It also reinforces my belief that I can do this!

Kay
 
  #32  
Old 01-22-03, 09:05 AM
maggy1
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Budgets

I understand your frustrations - but it can be overcome with a little willpower (nasty for me because I work on the "reward system" - i.e. I go to the dentist (Hate/chore) then I get to out for dinner (love/luxury).

But a budget can be followed - it's tough and there are times when you will not be popular however it can be done and is critical to teach your children so they don't have financial problems. When they learn that saving takes longer (in this world of instant gratification).......things that are "urgent" sometimes become "unessential" real fast.

Debit and charge cards are the worst trap that was ever created......it wasn't created as that but, unless you have the money to pay forwhat you are charging, you are done from the beginning. I use an air miles card for most of our monthly purchases because we cash them in at the end of the year for groceries HOWEVER I PAY THE ENTIRE BILL WHEN IT COMES IN which is the important part.

If you feel you can't do the budgetting by yourself....sit down with your husband one night instead of watching tv/playing games with all the bills and say "how do we do this?". If there is no input from his side (remember this will be new to him), tell him you need his help - not only will it create a "team" atmosphere but it will involve him so he will know how much everything does cost and exactly how the income/outgo system will work. or, if that's a struggle, ask him to look over the budget when you are done to see if he can live on/agree with what you've set out - if he agrees, then the teamwork begins and hopefully you've started a new trend.

Look around your house - if you pay for utilities - are you shutting lights off when necessary? Do you run the dishwasher for few dishes? Is the dryer going only because someone really needed to wear that? Look for hints on this site about saving hydro and time. Ask around, if you're home with the kids, does anyone else in your neighbourhood need you to look after theirs for a couple of hours after school? Perhaps they would be willing to trade sitting times with you so you could get out alone too - even for an hour.

Finally, after all this, book yourself and a girlfriend (or even your hubby) time to go for coffee OUTSIDE THE HOUSE as a reward. It's relatively economical and will give you a much deserved break!
 
  #33  
Old 01-22-03, 09:24 AM
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I have noticed things like the dryer time, water running time, etc. Never paid much attention to the water deal before. I do the laundry, and my oldest daughter does hers. She is careful about what and when she washes. Always loads, never just an outfit. She is good about that. However, I noticed that my youngest daughter insists on leaving the porch light on. I asked her why, she said so the cats can see the front door LOL.

We have been going round and round with the kids using the side door. I don't like them using it since it doesn't have a storm door, and also looks out over the neighborhood on that side. They will stand with this door open and talk from it across the street to a neighbor's. I usually keep this one deadbolted so this doesn't happen, but alas, they get the key (which has to stay close for emergency exits) and start the process over again.

Turning off lights in the bedrooms is also a problem that I've noticed. Such a problem that to help make a point about them turning them off or I would and they wouldn't be able to turn them on again - I pulled the fuses to that end of the house. LOL

I've talked with my oldest about downsizing his computer equipment. I don't understand why that you have to have surround sound, base speakers and an equilizer for a system that he uses only to play games. Leaving a computer on isn't much of a power user (light bulbs worth). However, when you leave a highly graphical game loaded 24/7 with all that power going to the speakers and amps it does cause quite the load in the house.

As you have basically said in your post, if you can nickle and dime yourself to death, you can also achieve some financial reprieve by the opposite process.

Thanks for the input guys. Its helping me to not give up. I don't want to give up like I usually do. I want this to work.

kay
 
  #34  
Old 01-22-03, 09:54 AM
maggy1
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Budget

Hi: Little ones always come up with cute answers - I'm glad she thinks enough of the cats to think about their needs - it makes her a very thoughtfull little person!

It would be my suggestion that since son has invested all this money in surround sound, etc and I trust he's smart enough to pick it out technology wise and bright enough to figure out how to make money to pay for it, then he's got to be smart enough to turn it off.

Please don't misunderstand - you don't have to nickel and dime yourself - just watch where the money goes. If you have too, write it down every day - when you take money out of the bank for something, write down where you spent it (all of it) i.e. you take out $20 because you need to buy a $5.99 item - keep track of where the rest goes. If you used your interact card, the balance would have stayed in the bank (I know it sounds like a small amount but $14 a week times 52!).

On the major side, if the budget just isn't working and your outgo is more than your income, think of buying a smaller home or perhaps buying a used car instead of new.

Perhaps the kids can work at a part time job to pay for their own stuff! I don't know how old they are but there are little things they can do.

Good luck, let us know how you are making out.
 
  #35  
Old 01-24-03, 11:12 AM
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We have downsized tremendously over the past two years. We can't go much further and survive. We purchased this house instead of renting, and it is a little small for us. My kids are getting a little older so we thought we could stand it for a few years. Nice layout, too. Small enough to maintain after all the kids grow up and it ends (hopefully) just Mike and I.

We ended up buying another car recently, which has caused some problems financially. Just an adjustment, though. The vehicle we were driving costs us the same in insurance and repairs as the car note. The car is a lovingly used one, and we got a decent deal on it. The notes are for very long, but we didn't have to total balance on hand.

While in town the other day, my hubby reviewed the budget. He was pleased with how it looked, and saw some other areas where we could cut back without anyone having to give up much. Of course, the kids think they're dying since they came yesterday and cut the cable totally off. They thought I was just getting rid of the cable internet service. This will be a large savings, plus allow the children to find other ways to amuse themselves, and new things to fight over instead of who gets to watch what. LOL

Kay
 
  #36  
Old 01-24-03, 11:28 AM
maggy1
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good for you!

Keep working as a team and it will all work out....................good luck and keep me posted......
 
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