Relationship Problem

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  #1  
Old 10-30-02, 07:49 AM
collectsfrogs
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Unhappy im new here but i have to talk to someone

Well for startes I'm 20 years old and I live in New York. My life was going great until about a month ago when my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years started to mess up. He caught me in a lie and now he can't trust me. And I understand that, but he wants to work it out so that's good. The thing is 2 years ago he lost my trust and we had most everything worked out and then I have to go and loose his trust in me. I think I'm doomed with relationships. I love him so much, I just don't know what to do. He means everything to me. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense but I don't know how to put it. I just need some cheering up I guess. Thank you for listening
 
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  #2  
Old 10-31-02, 11:47 AM
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I don't think you're doomed in relationships, just young. You're only 20.

How old is your boyfriend? It is good that he wants to work things out, but trust is very important in a relationship. Especially if you want it to work out for the long haul. No one wants to put their heart and soul into another's hands when they're not sure the other person won't hurt them.

Sounds like the lie may have been mild, but do be careful since lying becomes habitual and could lead to bigger lies that would destroy your relationship and if you continue with lies could prevent you from ever developing another one.

Kay
 
  #3  
Old 10-31-02, 08:38 PM
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And from another perspective:

Neither of you is the same person you were 3 years ago, and neither of you is the same person you will be 3 years from now. People change, especially when crossing over the threshold from adolescence to adulthood [which, forgive me, I don't think you've crossed yet].

You say that you love him so much; but the question is do you LIKE him? [This question shamelessly plagiarized from the Jimmy Stewart movie "Shenandoah"]. Being in love is wonderful, but it's not necessarily enough to maintain a long-lasting relationship if you don't also happen to "like" the person you are "in love" with.
To coin a phrase, love can be blind sometimes.

The_Tow_Guy knows from whereof he speaks: happily married to my first wife 23 years this Sunday.
 
  #4  
Old 11-01-02, 05:04 AM
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Congratulations Tow Guy! 23 years, and still going strong. I want that!

I too know from experience, but from the other side of the coin. I've been divorced twice. I loved with all my heart, but as tow guy asked: "no, I didn't like them and I don't think they liked me much either".

It is strange that I didn't learn to look at life with that attitude until my children got a little older. I kept hearing how they hated someone. When we talked about it, we discovered that they didn't really hate this person, but the way they acted.

I love my children all the time, but hate the way they act most of the time. However, these are my children - my responsibilities - and this is different from marrying someone or even just dating them although the principal of thinking is the same.

I love(d) my first husband even though he was emotionally abusive (I was very young when we married - 19) and he was much older.

I love(d) my second husband even though he was physically abusive and tried to kill me.

These two men will have to be loved from afar since I cannot stand them!

As Tow Guy also mentioned, you will continue to change over the years, as will your boyfriend. Are you two growing in the same direction? Do you have similar goals. My current husband and I are very different. Our bonding quality: the children. We want to raise our (my) children. We want to be the best parents we can be. He is different today than he was 3 years ago when we married. He was different when we married as opposed to when we met 2 years before that. I'm different. I am on a journey of self improvement today. Both mentally and physically. My husband is supportive of me, and isn't threatened that I'm taking these steps. I include him, even if it is just an ear he lends.

Do you do this for your boyfriend? Does he do this for you? Are you both supportive of each other? Why is it necessary to lie to each other. If the love is true, and the friendship strong then there is no truth that should break you two apart. If the love and friendship is true then your actions, as well as his, should always reflect positively on the partner.

Okay, enough preaching. Am in momma mode.

Kay
 
  #5  
Old 11-01-02, 05:38 AM
collectsfrogs
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Well I agree with you both. But I do like him, and we got into a huge fight Wednesday night and he stayed at a friends house, oh and he is 25. Last night we talked rationally and we are going to work things out. It was all my fault. I never talked to him about how I was feeling, and we talked a lot last night I told him everything. I have to make myself talk to him. I've never been able to express my feelings to the people I love. I can't even tell my parents or sister that I love them. But I have to make myself talk to him until I feel comfortable about just telling him how I feel. That was the whole problem, me not being able to talk. And for your information I have grown up really fast, I've lived on my own since I was sixteen and I bought my first house last year when I was 19. But thank you for the replies and I do understand what you are saying.

Thank you.
 
  #6  
Old 11-03-02, 07:22 PM
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Learning to communicate

How to Communicate Effectively
Effective communication skills are essential in determining our ability to have rewarding relations with others and to achieve satisfaction in life. The quality of our relationships with friends, spouses, children, and colleagues are all dependent upon sound communication skills. In fact, it is often our failure to communicate effectively that leads to personal disappointment and the breakdown of important relationships. Unfortunately, we often leave the success of important relationships to chance – until communication fails and the relationships begin to deteriorate. By then, however, it may already be too late. This brief guide outlines important characteristics of effective communication and offers practical suggestions for improving these skills. It will not solve all of your communication problems and it is certainly no substitute for professional help. However, it will give you some important basic ideas and suggestions.

Listen Effectively
The first step in developing skilled communication is effective listening. Relating to others is impossible unless you can “fully hear” what they are saying. To begin, try squarely facing and making eye contact with the person with whom you want to communicate. Next, let him or her talk freely while you simply try to comprehend what is being said. Listen for both the feelings and the content of what the person is saying. If you are not sure you have heard everything or understand what is meant, it is often helpful to paraphrase what has been said and then allow the other person to clarify any misunderstanding of the message. Try not to let your own feelings interfere at this point or you might miss something important.

Respond Descriptively
Be careful not to respond to an important message with an evaluative statement. Our culture has programmed us to think largely in evaluative terms – we like something or we don’t; we feel things are either “right or wrong.” Effective communication is not designed to determine winners or losers. In communicating, the goal is to learn all we can about someone else’s thoughts and feelings and let that person better know the same things about us. This process is quite different from that of negotiation in which individuals may view each other as adversaries. Hence, descriptive statements about the other person’s communication and your reaction to what is said will be most helpful. Evaluative statements are not helpful and tend to elicit defensiveness.

Use Your Feelings
Feelings are important in communicating. Often it takes practice to be able to identify them (and use them constructively), but there is hardly any interpersonal issue about which we do not have some feelings. When you communicate your feelings it is important to be specific and to take responsibility for them. Sometimes this is referred to as an “I” message. For example, “I feel angry because you just left without me, and I really wanted to go along.” Note that the statement is descriptive and includes a statement of feelings. It allows the receiver of the communication to respond without feeling accused or threatened. Contrast that with possible reactions to a statement such as, “How could you leave me there like that!” or, “You are selfish and inconsiderate,” or, “Everyone says you don’t care about me.” In short, express your feelings, negative or positive, as clearly as possible and be responsible for what you say.

Assess Needs
Effective communication considers the needs of all involved. If you are giving someone feedback about your reactions to an event, be sure that you are addressing something over which he or she has control. If you do not consider the other person’s needs and ability to deal with your communication, your efforts could be destructive.

Make Timely Responses
Effective communications are delivered at a time when the issue to be discussed is most important, usually as soon as possible after the behavior which requires discussion has occurred. It can be destructive to save old or unresolved concerns for discussion at a later time or to use them as a weapon (“remember when you…”). On the other hand, it is important to decide if the other person is ready to handle your communication immediately. Sometimes, it is best to delay sensitive communications until an appropriate setting can be found for the discussion. Avoid discussing emotional issues until you are in a place where there is privacy and you can talk freely.

Communication Basics Checklist
Effective communication skills are not easily obtained. They require practice and feedback from another person to be sure that communication is occurring. However, as you develop better skills in communicating, they can help you learn more about yourself from others and can greatly enrich the quality of your relationships. The short checklist that follows may be useful in assessing your need for help in developing better skills and your progress in enhancing your ability to communicate.

I physically attend to others.
I listen carefully before talking.
I speak in descriptive terms.
I discuss positive feelings.
I discuss negative feelings.
I own my feelings (“I” messages).
I speak clearly and specifically.
I use good timing.
I consider other’s needs.
I encourage others to communicate with me.

______________________________________________ ^
AFF News Briefs. Retrieved 03 November 2002. http://cultinfobooks.com/affsubscrip...ffectively.htm
 
  #7  
Old 11-05-02, 01:03 PM
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good advice

there are some great things in this post. i need to add that a spouse not only needs to be loved and liked, but they beed to be your friend.

the comments about 3 years down the road are so important. your life will change so many times over the years that you need to be sure you and your spouse can adapt together. jobs change, financial positions change, kids, where you live, etc. there will be so many changes. as you try to achieve your goals in the furure your partner needs to be on the same page.and you need to be on his page.
 
  #8  
Old 11-17-02, 11:11 PM
GwyniChaela
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Exclamation crap

Wow.

Collectsfrogs.........you sound oh so much like myself I want to cry. I thought I would never see someone going through much the same things I was. Wow. Almost speechless!!

I am 21.
I am divorcing my husband of four years.
I have three kids.
I moved out on my own at 16, married at 18, purchased my first home at 19.
I am now with a man I love with all my heart and more.
I also like him, everything about him.
I lied to him in May.
He found out.
He lost trust in me.

He is still around.....loving and liking me.
When I tell him I love him, he asks, yes, but do you LIKE me??
(to which I say yes.)
I also consider him (as he does me) my best friend....

He wants to spend the rest of his life with me (he is 31, btw)...We have the most amazingly intense and true relationship....

I have the worst time talking. I find it almost impossible to talk to him. He has told me if I dont start talking to him, its over between us. So I cringe inside and tell him EXACTLY what's on my mind. It was really bad a while ago, and then one day we spent 8 hours talking. I got comfortable - and then when he found out about my lie it started all over again....It's been 3 months and we are just now starting to become truly comfortable with each other again. The pain and mistrust is mostly gone from his eyes, and that most intense look from the depths of his soul is showing through again.

Anyhow, I ramble....

So.

We are not the same people we were, and we never will be. But I believe that our relationship can become stronger, if we allow it to.

Continue to talk..from personal experience there will be some stuggle, but if it's meant to be - you WILL work it out.

Keep posting and let me know how things go!! I am so excited to see someone else around that can understand exactly what I am feeling... not that I wish that on anyone...
see you around???
 
  #9  
Old 11-19-02, 08:48 AM
collectsfrogs
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Smile wow

well chelle your right you do sound a lot like me except ive never been married or have kids. But things are going ok now no more lying and always telling him what i have to say no matter if it hurts him or not. We are doing much better now we have been spending a lot more time with each other and telling each other exactly what we feel. So I'm hoping and so is he that everything is going to work out fine and with me telling the truth all the time then we believe everything is going to be just fine. Thanks for all the replys.

Tara
 
  #10  
Old 11-19-02, 11:51 PM
GwyniChaela
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Tara

Yeah, I know I threw in lots of stuff that dont apply to you!!

Just thought I'd complete the story. lol

I am glad to hear you are doing better, so are we!! I love this man with all my heart, and am willing to do just about anything to be in his arms. I never felt this way even about my husband. (who by the way is still a friend of mine....)

Anyhow, if you ever have any other problems or concerns, this is DEF the forum to come to. It is moderated by myself and Kaybyrd....we also have Twelvepole who is a wealth of information.....the other mods and members that traverse our 'halls' here have tons of amazing information and words of wisdom - I am surrounded by loving, caring, people who only want to be here if they can help someone!!!

Amazing.
 
  #11  
Old 11-20-02, 06:04 AM
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I am so grateful that the forum "gods" gave us this forum area! It is nice to have an area to post to receive encouragement on personal things, not just how to fix a broken dishwasher (thank you electrical appliance guys!) or to wire a disposal (thank you guys in the electricl forum!), and more out there.

I first started browsing these forums when I wanted to fix my ceiling fan. Then I had a problem with my truck. I've been here ever since. A wealth of information here! Now I can vent, get advice, and share experiences with others.

And to think I used to pay a therapist! LOL

Kay
 
  #12  
Old 11-20-02, 06:34 AM
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And this is more convenient than going to the barber/hairdresser or local bartender.
 
  #13  
Old 11-20-02, 07:43 AM
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Don't even have to put your shoes on or brush your hair!

Kay
 
  #14  
Old 11-20-02, 09:53 AM
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Or have a hangover in the morning.
 
  #15  
Old 11-20-02, 10:02 AM
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And if you did have a hangover, no one would know it unless you told them

Kay
 
  #16  
Old 11-20-02, 12:20 PM
GwyniChaela
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Please?? Put your shoes on? I'd have to get dressed!!

When I sit here at the condo, I am cleaning and studying. And alone most of the time during the day. I wear my pj's. Why not?? I have no kids here, and my boyfriend wouldnt mind anyway! I take a shower.....then put clean ones on.....ahh the niceties of living alone (something I haven't done pretty much...ever)

I came here to DIY - directed here by Ask.com - in response to a stain removal question (back when I still wasnt very computer savvy/internet savvy)...........I saw a link to forums and stumbled into the Dieting one. I think I got stuck. It wasnt long thereafter that forum god Tom asked me to moderate......I love it here..

Sorry that I have been gone, but am making a HUGE freakin effort to haunt the halls a little more these days.




This is WAY better than the therapist, I can eat while I do this!!!!

LOL
 
  #17  
Old 11-20-02, 02:26 PM
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DIY in pajamas!

I am guilty of spending the weekend in front of the computer in my pajamas. As I don't have a table yet, I eat whatever it is I scrounge up in this place in front of the computer.

How much time we spend here depends much on how much time we have to spend. For some, perhaps, how much we feel we need to be here. And, for some, perhaps, how addicted they are to the website.

It is a great place to be. Like belonging to a club. Like you say, we don't have to leave the house, get cleaned up or dressed, and it's free. And, no one knows if we have a hangover, pneumonia, or other affliction.

Ain't it wunnerful!?!
 
  #18  
Old 11-20-02, 03:33 PM
GwyniChaela
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Yes, its GREAT...

But some of us NEED to know when the other has a <cough> affliction....(like, say,........ pneumonia)

SOME of us here worry constantly about the well being of our sisters who live alone and have shown tendencies to forget to take care of themselves..............



Just remember, love your jammies, and dont leave us out in the cold if its important!! We are here to nag you to go to the doctor, and take care of yourself!!


LOL, I love you, you know that....
 
  #19  
Old 11-20-02, 05:44 PM
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Pneumonia

Hey, Gwyni, after 3 wks., my bookkeeper got tired of the cough and made an appointment for me. I went and got the xrays and the antibiotics. I am o.k. from the standpoint of pneumonia. I just need to quit smoking.

I thank you for your concern and your love. I appreciate your support. I am fine for now.
 
  #20  
Old 11-20-02, 05:52 PM
GwyniChaela
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I heard about your bookkeeper from Kay. I am glad for her!

I will call you soon. I have no phone at the condo right now, they were doing construction and something went wrong, but the phone company hasnt gotten out here yet.....


I want to know you are okay, please dont think that I am just being pushy for fun...lol tho it is fun.

And I am here for you, I know I dont have a masters degree, and I am younger, but please, I would be so honored if you felt like you could talk to me...
 
  #21  
Old 11-20-02, 08:41 PM
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Pneumonia

Relax, Gwyni, I am over the pneumonia. Took the antibiotics. Cracked rib from coughing. Will survive. Doctor says it may take weeks to no overcome coughing, but it's about gone. Rib is feeling better. I will survive.
 

Last edited by twelvepole; 11-21-02 at 07:33 PM.
  #22  
Old 11-21-02, 02:03 PM
GwyniChaela
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Good, what would I do if it were really serious?? It wouldnt be easy to run my butt over to you, I'd have to fly.

And YES, I would come....You need family around if you are really sick..(tho I might leave if you yelled enough.....maybe)
 
  #23  
Old 12-16-02, 04:17 PM
sunshine1952
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i had to post this. i came on here to find a way to fix a lamp. flipping though found chats and whines. anyway what i want to say is reading this brought tears to my eyes. it was so nice . its wonderful to know there are such caring people in the world. thanks
 
  #24  
Old 12-16-02, 04:29 PM
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Talking with others

Welcome to diy.com, Sunshine. Hope you found the DIY help for your lamp. Hope also you hang around and share some helpful tips with other DIYers. You will find not only DIY help here, but some have a special knack for helping others. As you say, it is because they care. That is what makes diy.com a special place on the internet.
 
  #25  
Old 12-16-02, 04:48 PM
sunshine1952
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twelvepole, just reading through everything right now. havent gotten an answer to my lamp but its waited 3 yrs or so a little longer wont hurt . thanks for commenting. i will check back every so often. i dont spend a whole lot of time on web but some. someone said something about needing a massage therapist. thats what we prefer to be called now. im one if anyones ever in the neighborhood give me a call.
 
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