Why?

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  #1  
Old 01-21-03, 04:48 PM
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Question Why?

Because.

People wonder why that we have a chats & whines on a do it yourself forum.

These are my thoughts as to why it is important that we all (men and women) have a place to come vent, talk, chat, or put down on 'paper' what is on our minds.

Have you ever had so many things going on in your life that you don't know where to begin? So many thoughts racing through your mind that you can't grasp even one before the next one comes flying by in your brain like those news banner (at hyper speed). Have you heard some really strange, annoying yet so annoying and silly statements at work? This is a great place to put them down! It helps keep us consumers being the silly ones that you post about, and also gives everyone a chance to smile and/or laugh at ourselves.

When I come online and see another poster with a problem I know that all I can do is be a support person. Maybe offer a little piece of advise that will help, or possible spark an idea for the poster of a way to resolve what is on their mind. An 'ear' to hear them.

The good side for me, not minimizing anyone's reasons for posting, is it makes me aware of many things. One of those being that I'm not alone in this world of issues, problems and not-so-exciting adventures we all take through life. It is strange that when we are stressed or tired, that the concerns in our lives become some sort of bubble that surrounds us. Always in our mental field of vision so we get to the point where it is hard at times to see outside of ourselves and our concerns. No one has a worse problem than another here. We are all equal. At times some concerns are more pressing than others, and longer term, but they are real concerns and need attention. Even if that attention is just an 'ear', or 'shoulder' for a moment. This helps me to get out of my own 'bubble' and head.

Another positive aspect of this for me is that in helping others, I actually help myself. If I can help someone else see a little light at the end of their tunnel, then it boosts my self esteem enough to think that "hey, maybe I can help myself, too". I begin to feel hope for myself, and my own little light at the end of the tunnel.

In the time that I've been online I've had help with my children, husband and myself that I wasn't aware of before. Simple things. These simple offerings of advise, compassion and encouragement have made a major impact on family as a whole. As I become a better Kay, I become a better mom, friend, wife, homemaker, etc.

I appreciate when the men post. Whether it be a response to a post or a gripe, it helps me as a woman understand my husband and sons better. Men and women don't see things the same way, or interpret things the same unless they've worked on communicating with each other so they can decipher the 'codes'. I am learning that a man usually doesn't talk about a problem unless he is seeking help or advise. More than likely, he will withdraw to sort things, maybe distract himself with a ballgame, newspaper or PlayStation game. A woman talks to sort things, get it out of her system so she can go back to doing whatever she was doing. We don't want to be fixed, just heard. Unfortunately, when we need help we don't know how to approach the opposite sex for the help. We end up griping, and blaming.

I hope that everyone who posts here will continue to do so, and those who read but don't post: please post. There is so much wisdom and experience on these boards. Share with us. Let us share what we know with you.

Thanks for letting me 'chat'.

Kay
 
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Old 01-22-03, 05:15 PM
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men and withdrawal

I believe that men withdraw to avoid the thing they fear most: rejection. I believe that they would rather do without than be rejected in the family, the one forum in which they should find the most support.
 
  #3  
Old 01-22-03, 06:28 PM
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I'm learning today that when I say to my husband that nothing is going right, or the dishwasher has been leaking...

he may interpret that as me saying "I'm unhappy with you. You have provided me with appliances that don't work. Its all your fault that I'm not happy with the way things are going."

This is NOT what I said, but this may be how he interprets it.

As a man, which would you rather me say

a) things are not going well for me today, could I have a hug so I know that everything is going to be okay.

b) Nothing is going right today.

Just some things I'm trying out. Presentation is 9 tenths of what seals the deals. Why should this be any different?

Kay
 
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Old 01-22-03, 08:00 PM
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Man are by nature problem-solvers and like to be able to implement a solution. Saying today is a drag, can I have a hug to make it better? gives him a clear action to take with the assurance that it will produce the desired result. Can you imagine being asked for a hug with the implication that it might be for naught?

Saying that nothing is going right is a sweeping generalization that can sweep emotions into a storm where they were not intended.

It would be better to say that there seems to be a problem with the dishwasher, it might be leaking, could you look at it for me and see what you think? Men do take it personally. Men are quite hardwired into the traditional role win the bread, defend the castle, fix the problem. I think that men open a small, tender, vulnerable place in their armor only to their wives. Not appreciating this, the wife will stab the telling blow without a thought; and wonder why her husband has withdrawn to try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. In the meantime, she sees him as uncooperative and insular; and doesn't understand why he doesn't want to talk about it. He is already hurt and is not likely to want to go back for another loss. But he doesn't want to talk about it, he wants to know what goal to meet and how to measure the success. Women don't hear what men don't say. If women would realize that something more is wrong than meets the eye, they might take a different approach to dealing with the man in their lives.

Relationships are successfully built by success. I suspect that you engineered situations in which your children would be successful so as to build confidence and teach skills. Throwing them into a challenge that they were unable to meet kills their enthusiasm. Men keep score, it is their nature. Sweeping negative comments can wipe the scoreboard clean, making it appear that there can be no catching up.

Well, I am getting a bit philosophical. I've been married 32 years, we've raised two girls. Now, we are dealing with empty nest syndrome.
 
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Old 01-23-03, 04:25 AM
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the men on this site

I find the men who post on this site pretty well spoken and very honest - it's very nice to read......helps me understand my hubby a little more (well, probably never will understand all of him - men are soooo different) but every step brings us to better friends!

Just a thanks to the guys! And a great DIY site - I've got much help with stuff I'm trying to do around the house!
 
  #6  
Old 01-25-03, 07:31 AM
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Chris posted: "Can you imagine being asked for a hug with the implication that it might be for naught?"

I read the post shortly after you wrote it, but that stuck in my mind. I had to go back and read it again. It dawned on me that you were saying so much more. Not only is the answer 'a' the good one, but it needs to be the whole answer, not just "can I have a hug", which is okay, however to ask for a hug, with a reason why, and then a follow up of maybe "thank you sweetie, now I feel like I can go back out there and tackle the rest of my day..." or something similar. Probably just a "thank you" and a smile would be enough. On the other hand, if you just get a hug and then it didn't change your day or attitude then my husband would think that his 'hugs' were powerless, and his love wasn't enough. That maybe he failed me in some way in such a simple request. I know that if the roles were reverse, I would feel the same way.

I know this sounds like I'm over expanding on a simple statement, however, in our go go go world we don't take time to actually focus on each other. We do it with our kids, and our spouses. Shortening words: can not is now can't; do not is now don't; a hug, a smile, and an "I love you" is now: it will be okay, don't worry about it. Seems we shorten everything so we can go on to something else.

This has brought to light something. I will share it. When my husband and I first got married, he would come home from work and smile at me. A smile that was genuine, and radiated from his eyes, too. I would do the same when I returned from somewhere. I've noticed lately that this doesn't happen anymore. I wondered what happened and believe it is because usually I am in the kitchen working on something and too busy to even look up, or working with something else. I tell him hi, and that I'm glad he's home, but I don't stop what I'm doing at the moment and look him in the eyes. I have begun to just glance up at him. When I do stop what I'm doing and look at him, he's putting up his coat or going into another room. Not blaming him, not blaming me. Back when the 'look' was the norm, if he didn't do it I would be hurt, not crushed, but enough that it put a small brick up. Same with him, I'm sure. Over time we both have begun to subconsciously think "why bother". We have both let go of such a small, but reassuring gesture. A simple little look that lets the other know that even though you are in a room full of people or a house full of kids that "you, are my world" "you are special to me" "you are the one I love" "I love you".

Kay
 
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Old 01-26-03, 05:32 PM
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Hey, what's going on here...

I open up the chats and whines forum in hopes of hearing some good old-fashioned bellyaching... Instead, what do I find... Kaybyrd and her croonies in here lovin' everything up... I think they started a new forum for you guys called the "Love Puddle"... See what happens when your life starts going too good -- you go around and start spreading the good cheer to everyone you come across... Geez... I guess I will have to go back to the Plumbing forum to get my grumpier old men and women doing some good old fashion whining...
 
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Old 01-26-03, 06:16 PM
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Oh like you didn't have anything to do with me feeling better about my life and myself. LOL.

I will admit that the tension and stress have gotten me a little down lately. I am at the last stage of this headache that started this morning.

It is also starting to wear on me that my husband is out of town. Been gone for over a week. Won't be home for another week. I miss him, okay, so shoot me. hehe. I hate being needy, and know I do just fine while he's gone, BUT I miss him. Miss having him around, etc.

I'm also having to help the children cope with our new budget. Usually when they ask for something small I get it for them. Now, I have to say no. Its not that I don't want to get it for them. we end up nickle-ing and dime-ing ourselves to death that way. I know they don't comprehend that they will happier if we have a house to live in or a car to drive instead of the cool new game or hair color. They are trying to withdraw from my bad habits.

Other than that, life is really good. Kids are healthy and basically happy. They go back to school tomorrow (yahooo!). Borrowed some movies from a neighbor so we got to watch something new. Loaned them some of ours as well. All of got to see different things and cost none of us anything.

Kay
 
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Old 01-26-03, 06:59 PM
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You HATE being needy? You HATE being needy? Did I hear that right? You HATE being needy?... Okay, enough criticism... I did notice that elsewhere in your post you were more "middle-of-the-road"... ...

Anyway, glad to hear that the kids are doing good, and glad to hear that you are missing your hubby, though I will be more happy if you will tell me you don't just miss him because the lawnmower broke again...

Glad to see you around posting again too...
 
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Old 01-27-03, 05:59 AM
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I did say the 'hate' word didn't I? Hmmm. That wasn't the correct word, not as the word was intended to be used when created.

Not sure what word to use in its place. Uncomfortable? Unsure? Must be an insecurity from my previous relationships jumping into this one. He's never given me a reason in 4 years (3 of which we've been married) for me to doubt that I can rely upon him when it is really important.

I don't know why I miss him. I just like having him around. Part of it is that I worry about him when he's not home. Is he eating right, is he bored, does he have clean clothes...

That is a real thought provoker for me. Maybe, just maybe I'm afraid that he will decide that he doesn't need me. After remembering my post about him not knowing the whats, when, wheres about the bills I think maybe I create a situation where he has to keep me around? My insecurities are showing again!

Kay
 
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Old 01-27-03, 06:41 AM
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Kay,
You aren't the only one who doesn't like it when their hubby is out of town. I'm right there with you girl. I worry about mine too when he isn't here. I worry about him being safe, eating right... the whole bit too. The phone calls are what helps me. He doesn't really talk about his day but wants to hear about the kids and how my day went. That helps out alot. Just knowing that he worries too makes me feel better ( although i would rather him not).Our calls are usually short but just hearing his voice lets me know he is fine and i can rest easy untill his next call.

I also get where you are comming from with the "just being heard." When I've had a bad day and state so, he gets quiet. Like the wheels are turning, trying to come up with some way to "fix me." I've gotten to where i just ask for a hug and a kiss. I tell him I love him and thank him. Then I go on with supper( that's usually when he gets home) and he goes back to playing with the kids or just vegging after a hard day. I have also realized that I have to "spell" out everything if I want him to really undrestand what I am trying to say. I've learned that getting frustrated doesn't help. I seem to be more productive when i say something like," Honey, the sink is cloggeg again. I've worked on it for awhile but can't seem to get it fixed. do you think you could look at it when you get a chance?" He usually goes right to the problem and gets it fixed. And even if I have made things worse he doesn't complain because he knows I like to work on things myself so he doesn't have to worry.

If you guys have anymore suggestions that would be great .
Chats and Whines is a great place to vent, yes. But is also good to give and get a little praise now and again. No affence to Ragnar. You seem like a pretty cool person.
 
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Old 01-27-03, 08:16 AM
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Communication is such a simple thing and yet when it comes to relationships, suddenly it becomes complicated and even ceases to exist in some cases. I just treat my sweet hubby in the same manner that I would like to be treated, and this includes talking, and its been working fine for nearly 26 years. He doesn't try to read my mind nor do I his and most importantly, we don't expect one another to know what the other is thinking. After watching him have a heart attack and cheat death, we take nothing for granted. And yes, he's also a fixer. A mechanic by trade. If something's broken, he tries to fix it. When my heart was broken after our children wed, he was there trying his best to repair the hurt. And yes, I hate, HATE, for him to be out of town. He will be gone 2 weeks, home 1 and then gone another 2 this summer for school. Glad I have several months to get used to the idea!
 
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Old 01-27-03, 08:25 AM
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Ragnar is pretty cool.

He's been a big part of Chats & Whines becoming more than just a whining place. Yes, there will still be plenty of whines, but now we're also starting to just chat. Best of both worlds.

If we really were to have "love puddles" I doubt anyone, including me would visit it LOL. I don't know, we could try it and see...

Kay
 
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Old 01-27-03, 04:18 PM
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Instead of making a new forum, we could change the name of this one to "Chats and Wines" and we could all just send around and get warm and "toasty" together... No, wait a minute, I don't drink... okay, everyone else can get "toasty" and I can just sit by and watch the fun...
 
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