AARGH! One big whine!

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  #1  
Old 02-02-03, 11:10 AM
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Angry AARGH! One big whine!

Okay, I can't hold it in any longer. Hold on guys this is going to be one doozie of a whine.
Here it is, a beautiful Sunday afternoon, sunshine, 60 degrees, the perfect day to work on the house... But where is the hubby??? Out riding motorcycles, again. The only day when help is available to us and he is out there with them playing while I sit inside recovering from mono & a killer sinus infection while doing laundry. I don't mind him riding, and often encourage it. But when we have had our house placed on 'security watch' because we have had 3 break-ins and each time they climbed through the rafters of the porch ceiling, shouldn't he be HERE with that help installing the ceiling???? I am so mad, I could scream. It seems like there is nothing I can do to get him motivated. I feel like I have tried everything, whining, nagging, complimenting, encouraging, saying nothing, bribing, begging, crying, helping, doing things myself, asking ... what else is left. Now I feel that unless they steal the motorcycles and tools (which they are slowly taking anyway, brand new sawzall, generator to name just two) he won't get fired up to work on the house. He complains that he doesn't have help, yet when he does have it, they all go riding?!! I have found that if I complain to him, he does even less work. I tried making a list of 3 easy things for us to do in two weeks, mark them off as they are completed, praising him for the progress and it worked...once. He is really, really making me upset. I know I won't say anything to him about today since it will only set us back even more so thanks for letting me vent here. I think I'll go cry now, and put another load in the washer.
 
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  #2  
Old 02-02-03, 03:17 PM
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Inquities in the Division of Household Labor

Research tends to show that ever since the 1950s that the division of household labor is a great source of aggravation in marriages and that wives experience more aggravation about the division of labor than husbands. During conflicts about the division of labor, wives typically demand and husbands withdraw and this tends to result in destructive conflict outcomes and a decrease in marital satisfaction. Women tend to contribute larger shares to the household labor than men even if their workload outside the home and their financial contributions to the household budget equal those of their male partners.

While love and intimacy may be the cornerstones of marriage, women tend to have a desire for equality, which underlies marital satisfaction. The more deeply one or both partners has internalized a traditional sex role, the more likely the wife will be solely responsible for family work. Some studies show that increases in education are associated with decreases in sex-segregation of household tasks. Studies also show that more educated individuals tend to be less apt to maintain the traditional gender roles where women are expected to do all the household chores and men are the bread winners.

Many women accept the traditional gender role and the burden of responsibilities affiliated with it. Many women, aware of the inequities, accept unequal division of labor to keep peace in their homes. Some women become burned out, or suffer from chronic exhaustion, decreased sex drives, and more frequent illnesses because of marital dissatisfaction.

Fix yourself a cup of hot tea, take your sinus medication, and go to bed. Get yourself better before taking on this problem. It did not happen over night and you aren't going to fix it tonight.

Stop whining, nagging, bribing, begging, crying and all those other nonproductive behaviors. What happens is that husbands learn to tune you out and ignore you. Perhaps marital counseling is an option. Most counselors will tell you that you need to sit down and talk and don't stop talking until you have worked everything out. That probably won't work either if they have already tuned you out. It's worth a try if you can do it without whining,nagging, bribing, begging, and crying. Couples are less apt to demonstrate those behaviors when sitting in front of a counselor and they are paying $$ by the hour. Thus, a few visits with a professional might be worth the investment. There are lots of really competent, caring therapists, but you need to find one that believes in saving marriages and is trained in working with couples.

You could go on as you are, keeping your mouth shut, doing all the chores, hiring someone to work on the house, and ignoring your husband's time riding. You will, however, probably continue to suffer from marital dissatisfaction, may eventually burn out, continue to be stressed out and suffer from illnesses like mono, experience chronic exhaustion and lose interest in making love to your husband.

On the otherhand, if everything in your marital relationship is great, except for your husband's lack of involvement in household work and making repairs to the home, then you may want to lighten your load by lowering your expectations and housekeeping standards and enjoy your wonderful husband.

If you don't have a job outside the home, perhaps you should consider one. The additional money will allow you to hire out some of things you need done around the house and it will get you out of the house and into the world. Through working a job, you not only feel financially independent but feel increased self-worth because you are making a contribution to the household finances. You also improve your self-esteem and feel better about yourself. Don't expect your husband to help around the house just because you, too, work outside the home. Although studies show that husbands are becoming more helpful in dual income households, the numbers have not changed significantly.

Or, you could declare war! Everyone in the household is responsible for cleaning their own dishes and doing their own laundry. You can sleep on the couch or kick hubby out of the bedroom. Or, you could tell him you are leaving and not coming back until he wakes up and smells the coffee. War, however, is destructive and there tends to be casualties, like the end of the marriage.

The number one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people donít spend enough time together. I know hubby is off riding his bike. If you had not been ill, what if you had said, "Hold on, I am coming along."

Happiness? You know the old saying, "It comes from within." Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. (Remember you learned that at www.doityourself.com.) You canít count on another person to fulfill you. You need to love what you do in your life, regardless of what your spouse brings or does not bring to the marriage. The problem is, unless you feel satisfied with your own life, you will not be able to determine if your unhappiness is rooted in personal or relationship issues.

There is no easy solution to how to get husbands to help out around the house. After the soldiers returned from WWII, many of the women who entered the workforce to work in factories because the men went to war continued to work. These women were earning their own money and could provide their families with things they could not otherwise afford. And, they realized that after working all day, they still had to go home to the house, kids, laundry, cooking, and cleaning. They began to resent the husband who got to come home, prop us his feet, and read the paper. The researchers are still researching the problem and reporting lots of findings, but they have yet to publish a solution.
 
  #3  
Old 02-02-03, 04:06 PM
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Twelvepole,

Thanks for a lot of great information and the advice. I am fairly certain that my mood is due to the winter blues, being sick for 7 straight days, and the stress from my job. I have my own motorcycle and enjoy riding with my husband and watching him ride. I usually convince him to race, and cheer him on from the bleachers and in the pits. I just wished his priiorities had been different today. I know I have to find out where my dissatisfaction lies, I was just put on probation at my job over issues that I had no idea about, so maybe I'm not happy at work after 13 years?? That is something I will have to look at very hard and honestly. A counselor might be a workable avenue for the both of us too. My priorities have been work, which obviously I haven't been doing a very good job at, so now they will be re-evaluated. We are planning a vacation to Nashville around my birthday and maybe we can re-connect and figure things out so that both of us are happier. I know that I am very demanding, so I will work on letting things go more often. Can you tell I have taken a nap??! I have heard that if you "act as if" then suddenly without realizing it, you are. I don't think that would work with the sinus infection or mono but it may work with my attitude. Thanks for your advice.
Sandie
 
  #4  
Old 02-02-03, 06:33 PM
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It sounds as if you have been on a high dudgeon: preaching, dictating. It might be a pleasant change for him for you to ask him what he thinks about things, instead of giving him a punchlist to complete. He may be a jerk, but it sounds more akin to self-defense on his part. A person does as suits.

If he feels as though he has already become unredeemable in your eyes, he will try to do something at which he can feel success or pleasure, knowing that there is nothing more to be gained otherwise. Fearing rejection at the one safe haven, it is easier to avoid the failure by using an excuse to carry around as if it were a lucky charm. By having an excuse as to why not to start, he can avoid not finishing unsuccessfully.

Studies are not facts, statistics are not proof. You and he are the only ones in your marriage. Take a hard look at what is going on. Ask him, listen, discuss. You cannot make a person do anything. If you and he can talk, even with a counselor, then conditions may improve.

Besides, getting on here and venting probably does a world of good anyway..
 
  #5  
Old 02-02-03, 07:21 PM
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Priorities

Sounds like you have a great guy. Like chfite indicates, procrastinating on the home repairs may be his way to be in control of the situation via self-defense. You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

I am glad that you share biking and his love for riding. So many women complain about their husband's hobbies, but they have never been to the bowling alley, the fishing hole, or the golf course.

I think you will get a better handle on the situation after you start feeling better. Too, you may be transfering your angst with the situation at work onto hubby.

True, studies and research don't prove anything, but they are helpful in gaining insight into situations. As indicated, after all the studies since WWII about inequities in household work, no one has offered a real solution.

Communication is the key. If the two of you can agree on priorities at home and what it is that each of you want/expect to make you happy in your relationship, then it will be easier. The ideal relationship is 50/50, but in reality it does not always work out that way. Being demanding can really turn off a mate. Remember when we were kids how we'd ignore our mothers when they would go on and on about something. We could become miraculously deaf when needed. I believe it is called selective listening. Proceed with caution when communicating with hubby.

Communication is the key at work, too. Sit down and discuss the issues with your supervisor. Ask questions? Listen. You indicated there were issues about which you had no idea. What are they? Are these issues any way similar to the ones with which you are dealing with your husband?

And, don't be so hard on yourself. We are all growing, learning, and changing. None of us are perfect. We sometimes get so self-focused that we lose the ability to see that those around us have needs. It is also difficult for us to see ourselves as others do. Each person who touches our lives is different and requires us to interact with each person in a different way.

You indicate that you are very demanding. I assume that you mean of yourself. And, that you expect the same of others. Back off! Lighten up on yourself and others in your life. Take time out to smell the roses. Happiness is a DIY project. It has to come from within.

I would be proud to have a man who would take me biking and to Nashville for my birthday. Other than not doing what you want him to do around the house, it sounds like he treats you like a queen. kaybyrd is in Nashville this weekend visiting her husband who is on assignment there. She also posts about hubby not doing repairs and pitching in to help with household chores. I am sure when she gets back in town, you will be hearing from her about your problems.

You indicate that the more you complain that the less work hubby does. That's a clue. This guy is a keeper. Focus on communication and marital satisfaction. And, don't feel like you are the Lone Ranger. Many women report the same or similar complaints about husbands. And, please know that you don't have to feel alone. You have us here at Chats & Whines to support you.

And, if you need help with the porch ceiling repairs, you can get help on our Decks, Patios, & Porches Forum. You might also want to investigate security systems on our Home Security Forum.
 
  #6  
Old 02-02-03, 08:48 PM
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Jeez girl, you sound just like me. I get frustrated to the point where I could bite a tree. Okay, sounds stupid, but I'm afraid of becoming a violent person so I take things out on non-human objects LOL. Honestly, I've had days where I've envisioned punching my dear sweet loving husband so hard in the mouth that he has to pick his teeth out of the back of his throat.

Do as mentioned above...take care of yourself. Yourself is NOT the house, NOT the laundry, NOT the dishes or meals. Yourself is you. Get well, first and foremost. You and I both know that I don't have to say this, but I will anyway: it will be there waiting on you when you get on your feet again

My kids, my husband and me all come to me with I need this, this needs to be done... Well, I just tell us all to put it on my to-do list. The cool part about my to-do list is that the end is somewhere in NJ about now, and the beginning is in California.

I posted a threat {lol, just noticed this today ~2/9/03~ should be thread}, think it was called "Need a man's opinion". Check out some of the male responses there. Pretty insightful! I've also read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Please check that one out from the library. I didn't read the whole thing, just the first 2/3 of it. Very insightful, too. Gives you lots of things to think about.

My biggest downfall is that somehow, somewhere, someone gave me the title of superwoman. I personally don't think of myself as superwoman potential, but hey, thinking it was a compliment I would try my hand with it. Okay, now the whole freaking family (sorry but mouth has been rough lately, stressin ever so slightly) thinks that they don't have to do a thing anymore since mom can handle it. Instead of asking for help like I would, say, from a neighbor I would instead get really angry at everyone from making me do everything myself. They would look at my 'everything' list in the same light I did and not know where to start. Guessed it, no one would do anything.

It becomes imbolizing at times when things feel so out of control. Even the simpliest request don't get met and that's when I fall apart. I have a keychain now that reads "Back Off! I'm stressed to kill". This after taking a 4 hour trip to Nashville just so I could spend a few hours with my husband whom I missed terribly (yes, the same one that I had invisioned doing some strange dentistry on), with four children who seem to not be able to stand each other, two of which had a stomach virus, and only one tv in the hotel room. Kripes. What a trip. Such an adventure. Hey, good news, I didn't get lost; the hotel didn't lose my reservation; the car didn't break down and did more than 50mph; it didn't rain; it didn't snow; the kids ended up in another room with 2 tvs and a dvd player, a vcr and tada a playstation 2. I had my room and my hubby all to myself , for a little while anyway.

Keep your chin up, and a smile in your heart. Its not easy at first, but it will come. Keep posting here, and watch for other responses. The men have the best ones. Seems they can explain their ways of seeing things to us here, maybe since we aren't actually in front of them or because they don't have to live with us LOL.

Kay

Ps. Please read the other post. It is long since its had many responses, and then post back here with what you think. I have had so much help here in this forum that my life is actually changing for the better...so is hubby dearest. He fixed the lawnmower, and the dishwasher...see: there is hope afterall.

K.
 

Last edited by kaybyrd; 02-09-03 at 06:26 PM.
  #7  
Old 02-02-03, 09:58 PM
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kaybyrd on husbands

I knew superwoman kaybyrd would come through when she got back from Nashville. And, as kaybyrd suggests, take care of yourself first. Remember that happiness comes from within. Yes, we are expected to be superwomen. We must learn to say No and back off. We can't be overly demanding and dictating. We will cut the lines of communication if we are. Communication is the key.

As kaybyrd suggests, read the other threads on this forum to gain some insight. None of us are perfect. Hey, we all make mistakes. Some spouses and mates are more forgiving than others. Take it from there. We don't want this marriage to fail. Get with the program. Back off and quit being so demanding. You need a smiling and loving face. People will bow at your feet to gather your sunshine if you radiate happiness.

Get rid of the baggage our mothers and fathers dumped on us. Let's move forth and reform the world with love. You will never be Martha Stewart and the house cleaning police will never show up at your house or the house repair police. As long as it all gets done eventually and within the parameters of your lifestyle, all will be o.k. If you cling to the gender roles and responsibilities associated with the traditional roles that our mothers bestowed upon us, then you will set yourself up for failure.

This is a new day and new age where we have dual income families and unfortunately the burden of household labor tends to fall more heavily on the woman. We can accept and go on or we can rebel. Your focus should be marital satisfaction. A perfectly clean house and perfectly repaired home does not guarantee marital satisfaction.

Before you can achieve marital satisfaction, you have to achieve happiness from within. Once you do that, our happiness will spill over into family members and coworkers. Once you achieve that your problems will be resolved at home and work. Remember that we can not impose our high standards and demands on others.

We live in a world of imperfection and inequity. We either learn to dance around those issues or take the bull by the horns. Research, of course, proves nothing, but it does indicate that most who fight the inequities tend to lose. And, that brings us to the Costs vs Benefits Theory. You must weigh the costs of your behavior versus the benefits. As you state, your behavior thusfar has not been beneficial. It is time for a new approach and strategy with behaviors that will have hubby eating out of your hand.
 
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Old 02-03-03, 06:04 AM
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Okay, this is what I slept on last night:

**The only day when help is available to us and he is out there with them playing while I sit inside recovering from mono & a killer sinus infection while doing laundry.**

How long have you had mono? It takes what, 6 months before you even get to feeling a little better? No energy either, correct? I haven't had it, but my concept is the same feeling you have after surgery from the anesthetic (weak muscles, sleepy all the time, no energy). Correct me if I'm wrong, please. This is what I remember from childhood when a neighbor had it.

Anyway, the whole world would be on my list if that happened to me. First off, here is a knight in shining armor to help. Oh, wait! There are several knights in shining armor. What joy. My fears and worries will be over soon....but alas, what is this? My heros are riding away. Oh no! Where can they be going? Is there a dragon to be slain? Is there another damsal in distress that needs saving worse than me? They've gone where!?! Jousting you say. Hmmmm.

Okay, so that's a silly way of the way I would see things, however, lets be fair to the man, too. I don't know how to do the 'story line' from a guys point of view so I'll just write what I figure they think in 'logical guy talk'. Okay, so here are my buds to help me out with the house. Its a beautiful day. I have a choice here. I can fix the house so that my wife will be safe, and I won't have to buy tools anymore since they won't get stolen. I'm not real sure that this is going to stop them, deter them, but stop them no. I need to figure out how to stop them for good. I'm going to jump on my thinking machine so I can figure this out. Besides, my wife has been extremely sick and doesn't feel well. She needs her rest, she is always tired and says so. Instead of us being loud and banging around trying to work on the house, the ride on the thinking machine sounds like it will give her a chance to rest without any interuptions and me a chance to solve our problems. In the back of his mind - I really need to think this working on the house deal and the thefts. My damsal in distress needs me to be able to do this, but if I fail...I don't want to fail her, she is my world.

Guys and gals are different. Guys are fixers (not always as in physical fixing) and gals are the caretakers. I have noticed that if I say anything about having a bad day, or bad day at work (I don't work outside the home anymore), or at someone else's home and tell my husband about it, he doesn't realize that I'm just venting then. I've heard: go shopping, quit your job, and don't go over there anymore. Each response in order to the three 'problems I would vent about' listed above. Apparently guys don't talk about problems since that's actually their form of asking for help. Women talk about things bothering them so they can cope. For the most part, obviously I have a gender identity problem, women just listen, nod, say things like "oh my" or "that idiot!", etc. A woman knows that this woman just needs a hug or a reassure that they are loved, cared about, and that they are doing a great job and appreciated. A man takes this as a sign that they can swoop in and fix it all. Quit your job, take a break, go shopping all sound wonderful and relaxing for the woman BUT only to the man. He doesn't have that mechanism that we do that says: yes, shopping would be nice, taking a break would be great, but...if I let this all go today, not only will I have today's things to take care of, but yesterday's, too. At some point, getting out of bed becomes a chore because the first thing in the front of a woman's mind is: the do-to list. Our lives become boring and mundane because we begin to live for the to-do list.

About the security issue, well, give me a day or so to figure that one out. I'm in this gonna have a great day if it kills me journey now so I thought maybe we (you and I) could have some fun with our would-be theives next go round until you can actually get this solved. Hey, maybe even mention to hubby what you're planning so he can say: are you nuts? and then he'll get up there and fix the prob so you won't follow through with the plan. Whatever the plan will be. I thought about itching powder, but that might end up both in the house and in your sinus' and we can't have that. Or maybe a bed of nails waiting for the guy(s) when they try that entrance again... Has to be something manageable, plus something that can be done secretly so they don't know what to expect.

Okay, yes I have a devious side. Am trying to use those powers for good instead of evil today. Maybe we could visit this silly site I found the other day. Its supplies for villians that want to achieve total world domination. Its a hoot. There is a gun so small the it fits nicely in the grooves of your fingerprint. Not detectable by anything. You will always be armed. How about a black hole? Guys, this site is based on comic book supervillians. If you want the link, let me know. Its a hoot. I guess I could post it here since it doesn't really sell anything, but I'll PM the link to you just in case.

Kay
 
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Old 02-03-03, 05:56 PM
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Wow! That other topic is huge and very, very helpful. Seems Tom hit the nail on the head when he said 'time is on our side...' I will also do things if they aren't done in what I consider a reasonable amount of time, thus adding to my work load and then resent the things I have to do that got left behind while I picked up and did the thing I had asked for help with. Kaybyrd, now I understand why I hear all of those phrases, 'go shopping', and the most frequent "Just don't go over there anymore"! I'll have to talk to my hubby about that in particular and let him know that I am venting 95% (okay, maybe 99.9%) of the time! Ragnar also gave me some great insight by showing that it is all in how you approach things, so if I ask for help after he has a chance to wind down and relax, then phrase my request as if it were something I couldn't accomplish then he will 'fix' the situation and I don't nag!

Kaybyrd, you and I do sound alot alike, and I love your analogy about the damsel in distress, and he says riding clears his head. For me it just makes my arms and legs sore! but the thrill is the most amazing natural high and the sense of accomplishment when you finally nail the turn, or jump, or for me just finish and made it past 3rd gear in at least one lap!!

I won't be riding much for the next 4 months due to the mono, it takes 2-6 months to get over and there is absolutely no way to get more energy. Some days, I can feel my strength drain out of me and I realize it is only 9am... At least now I know what to expect from this awful virus and that will help me deal with things since I know there is an end to it. Hopefully sooner than later, but I'll take it whenever it ends!

I will make a daily effort to be less demanding - twelvepole, you are right, I am very demanding on myself - on everyone including me. The house that has been broken into is our new house that we are building (paycheck by paycheck) not the one we live in currently, but it is 400 ft. away. The hubby decided to buy a truck box and store the tools there, and to weld up three prong spikes that are now strewn about the front and side yard. I put boards with nails sticking up in the weeds, and the brother-in-law has rigged some noisy capacitors just inside the house!! I hope it all scares the pee out of the next unlucky perp who has some expensive tires to buy!LOL

I came home today to find that the hubby had washed all of the clothes, dried and hung them up too! He even changed the sheets. The doctor finally gave me some antibiotics for the sinuses, so some of my energy -not much- may return soon.

Things are looking up, the hubby wants to watch a movie with me now. That is generally when we get some of our best 'talks' in, with a tub of popcorn and credits rolling. I tell you, I haven't seen much of the movies we rent from all the talking but I wouldn't change it at all.

This forum is fabulous! It does help to vent here! Of course, I'll be back.
Thanks

Sandie
 
  #10  
Old 02-03-03, 06:04 PM
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Please post any good news. Any tips, hints or tricks you learn would also be greatly appreciated! I will continue to share as well.

Kay
 
  #11  
Old 02-03-03, 06:48 PM
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Regarding the comment that men are fixers. The most difficult thing that I had to learn in being married was that women often just want to have someone listen effectively and supportively to a problem. The difficulty arises from a man's perspective. He wants to identify the problem and fix it. So he mistakenedly directs the conversation to what can be done about the problem and how to fix it. Generally, that is not what the woman wants. She wants to talk about it. In some sense, it is not a 'problem' for her. It is more of an issue. When he classifies it as a problem to be solved, he derails the entire conversation and tension and misunderstanding result.

As a lesson learned, I listen supportively to my wife, and don't offer a solution unless she asks for one.

By the same token, a man brings up a topic looking for a solution, not a discussion.

When men talk to each other about a problem, the discussion lasts about twenty seconds. "I have this problem.....and I plan to....." "OK" "Right" "How did the Packers do Sunday?"

Now we can see how the man and woman are not on the same channel. The book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" may not have the answers, but it certainly helps us to understand the miscommunications.
 
  #12  
Old 02-03-03, 07:56 PM
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Okay, my man and I had the movie going, we were talking and I tell him sometimes I just need to vent about things without looking for an answer to the situation. He said he could understand that but it is hard for him to not offer suggestions. I told him I would try to remember to tell him I just need to blow off some steam about this or that. He said he would try to remember to keep his suggestions (tea-bags) to himself whenever I "blow the teapot whistle" - we both have a very strange sense of humor!. Fair enough. The movie continues and quiet for a bit then more talking. We eventually turned it off and he said we need to talk some more about things, get some rest and tomorrow night we'll talk some more. All of this comes from me saying I don't know if I'm still happy with my job or if I'm using my job as an excuse for something else I'm not happy about. I don't know where the source of this contention is coming from so I need to find out or quit hiding it from myself. If it is the job, then that is easily fixed, but first I must find out what it is. He said maybe I should think about things and if I can't come to any conclusions on my own, then go talk to somebody. He said he will help any way I need him to. I think we are on the path. I'll keep posting ...
Sandie
 
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Old 02-03-03, 08:21 PM
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Sounds like you two had a great night in coupledom. Good luck, and it sounds like you may not need any luck since you are off to such a great start!

Kay
 
  #14  
Old 02-07-03, 05:29 AM
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Something to think about

Hi: Katy - glad things are getting better for you.......

I'm going to mention something and I hope no one is offended....(guys, don't know whether you'll want to participate in this or not - be interesting to hear your point of view)......because of my age and historically, the women in my family have gone through early menopause (started at 36) - it actually rang a little bell when Katy said she wanted to punch her other half so hard........since I am trying to do this drug free - there are morning when I wake up and feel a rage like nothing I have ever felt. It's controllable but it takes a recognization and a great deal of control through the day to make it go away or to deal with it.....among many other symptoms that is the one, interestingly enough, which my husband and my mom recognized even BEFORE I did. I didn't even realize what I was doing: i.e. mood swings (nasty), hot flashes (jesus, can't we turn the heat down!) - among many other things - I'm glad eveyone loved me enough to mention them because they carry through to your job too. The scary thing is that you may not recognize them when they hit.

HEY, if this doesn't apply to any of my women correspondents on this page.......CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY! Just suggesting a possible solution - not trying to say it's us women.........
 
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Old 02-07-03, 05:53 AM
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When I first started feeling those moods, I went to my doctor about menopause. I am adopted so I don't have a family history to follow. He put me on a temporary dosage of Zoloft until we could pinpoint what some of the possible causes were. I do have a depressive personality. It seemed that everything that motivated me at the time was anger based. During this time (of being medicated) I worked on anger control methods, and distraction. I was off the Zoloft for 6 months when one of my kids told me that I was doing so much better since I was taking the meds. I just smiled. I had to get off the meds since they were beginning to make me irritable, with the doctors blessings, of course.

As I journey through this marriage and raising of my children I find that a lot of my anger is from past relationships. Those with my ex's and also my parents. Put that with the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself (taking on too much responsibility, working on things through the night and day - home improvements, worrying about other people in my family, basically trying to save the world but ignoring myself and simple needs....) by getting the proper things to eat, plenty of rest, being kind to myself and my body, and realizing that the rest of the world isn't my problem. This last statement isn't a cold one, just a realization that I need to focus on my little world.

Maggy I appreciate that you posted this here. Eliminating possible health reasons is a must. I had iron anemia, and also had bronchitis at the time of the first incident. I didn't know it. Seems anger was the only way I could get energy together to do anything that was productive. Today, it is me trying to play the role of a superhero instead of just trying to be a super person.

Something else that causes me to get super grumpy is the fact that my joints are settling. I have begun doing simple yoga along with the taekwondo. I don't do all the crazy pretzel looking moves, just simple stretching and breathing exercises. I am amazed at the different in how I feel, how much taller I stand, and for once in my 40 years am actually standing up straight without someone reminding me. I've slumped as long as I can remember. I don't have the neck aches, headaches, backaches or knee and shoulder pains that I had maybe 6 months ago. I can breathe easier, and have now been able to join the rest of the students in the more rigourous black belt workouts. Something strange is that I've never been worried about being able to do the splits, but I have become so flexible without trying hard that I can almost do the splits (forward and center). I am relaxed today. My Vegas kid use to massage my shoulders every day to help relieve the tension. He came home last month and still cannot believe that my neck is relaxed like it is. He use to work on it for awhile before it would losen up.

I never realized that doing such simple stretching exercises could be so relaxing, non painful and so beneficial to my overall health. It also does wonders for my emotional state of mind as well.

I still have my 'moments' where the wrath of Kay wants to appear. I will keep watching for the change. The biggest thing that keeps me from punching my husband in the mouth is that he does have such a beautiful smile! He can walk into a room, smile at me and I still melt. corny, but true.

Kay
 
  #16  
Old 02-07-03, 11:19 AM
maggy1
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Just out of curiousity - how's your budget coming?
 
  #17  
Old 02-07-03, 02:49 PM
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So far so good on the budget. The kids are slowly but surely adjusting to us not going out to eat, or getting to buy something when we go to the store.

It feels really good to have money in the bank, and all my bills paid. I've found another 'hole' that money goes into, but I won't go into it here. Its a hole that appears to be a necessity at times, but then again, it turns out differently.

I am having fun going into stores now and not buying something just because its on sale, or more than one because its on sale because we may need it later. Its nice to go to the grocery store with my list and know that I don't have to worry about am I going to have the money to cover it or not.

I know that this is early into the budget. Also, I know that my husband is getting a lot of overtime and this can change. The best part is that the savings is growing, and I will have to move more money from checking into it since right now we're having more money coming in than planned.

I'm excited about this turn around. I intend to make it a die-hard habit even when times are good like they are now so when things are tight, it won't be an adjustment time. We can actually fly with the savings deal since my hubby just found out that he is once again going out of town (which I dislike) and will be making a lot of money (which we adore). If we continue to live on a basic check during this, and the future work that is lined up, we should have a really good start on securing our financial future.

The time is now...

Kay
 
  #18  
Old 02-09-03, 06:11 PM
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Hmmm... you left us hangin there... You mention another hole that money goes into, but you don't wanna mention it here... So I am guessing this is a hole created by hubby again, and you are afraid he might come in here and see it again... ... And since you are curbing the family eating out, then it would naturally bug you if your hubby were still eating at restaurants 2 to 3 times a day while he is working... And that would certainly fall into the category of necessary sometimes but not always... Just a wild stab in the dark... but you can tell us when you are ready to vent some more...
 
  #19  
Old 02-09-03, 06:39 PM
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Believe it or not this time it isn't hubby.

Its my generous, caring and nurturing nature that causes this. Its not a bad thing, but could be if I don't watch it.

Hubby has been very careful while out of town. He is leaving again on Tuesday and will have the details on the trip tomorrow. We will plan better for this trip. While in Nashville we knew that they had a kitchenette. What we didn't know is that they also had a refrigerator and a dishwasher. Also, free use of the washers and dryers in the hotel. I don't know exactly where in AL he is going so we don't know the pricing of things there, but we will pack dishwashing tabs, laundry detergent and my 'party ware' (which is basically the plasticware that we use during cookouts - which is washable). The last kitchen was stocked with pots, pans and cooking utensils, but we will pack a few of those to be sure, plus they only had 2 plates, two forks, two etc.

Internet is also a great tool to help find the local grocery stores, and non-foreign ATM's. We did go to the bank and ordered him a debit card for those times when a teller isn't available. Not sure if it will be here before he leaves, but is a real possibility. If not, I can take it to him if he's going to be there for more than a month, and if he isn't too far down in AL.

K.
 
  #20  
Old 02-10-03, 04:27 AM
maggy1
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budget

Hi: Boy, am I glad to see things looking up for you - knew you could do it!

One thing we do, not sure if you have there but i can't imagine it would be that much different - but it's in the credit card department - I have a mastercard with air miles - now we don't save enough air miles to actually go anywhere but just before Christmas - I cash them in for grocery coupons - last year I got $120 worth of groceries - I bought christmas turkey, easter ham, etc with it.

Also, on an off topic - from what I understand in the US - you have what they call points on your mortgage........can you explain what this is?

Here we just get our mortage - say with 7.5% interest and that's it........but I've heard of points in the U.S. How do they work?

Just curious.
 
  #21  
Old 02-10-03, 05:43 AM
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Mortgage Loans

Hello, maggy1, post your question about loans on our Loan Forum where you can get your questions answered there.

Like, maggy1, I am glad to hear that things are looking up for everyone who has posted here.
 
  #22  
Old 02-10-03, 05:48 AM
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I'm not sure about the points. Seems there are a couple of types of points. I know that our score wasn't as high as some because even though our credit was good, we didn't have a long credit history.

Seems there is also closing points? Maybe someone can explain all this to us.

Kay

Ps. Our credit cards are cut up and paid off now that we established enough credit to purchase our home. That was the only reason we got them - we had no credit.

K.
 
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