Why do I feel guilty?

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  #1  
Old 02-27-03, 01:56 PM
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Why do I feel guilty?

Why is it that when my life goes good, I can stay on budget, can afford something special or am given an opportunity to do something great in life I feel guilty?

One side of me knows that I shouldn't since I work hard to keep balance in our lives so that good things can happen. I use the phrase "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" in many situations, including financial ones. I stay prepared by keeping my car in good shape so if a trip is to made, pleasure or otherwise, I can make the trip.

I don't want to share good news with others since they aren't having a 'good life', or the fact that I saved and finally got something I had been wanting since others can't do the same, etc. Why on earth should I feel guilty?

Can anyone give me a little insight into this? I try to reason this out, but am unable to right now. Its almost as though if my family and friends are broke, I feel the need to be at their status to not make them feel bad. This is a side of me that I'm finally noticing. That I, honestly, get in the hole financially at the same time family and friends do. I get depressed when they do. I would like stop this trend! I have my family standing on its feet again financially and can keep it that way. Not hard for me, I like to see how much I can save. However, I feel guilty because I can go buy things, extras, for my family. I just bought a digital camera since my husband is working out of town for awhile. I thought that pictures from home uploaded to the website for him would be nice. He loves them! I invested in the best one we could afford. I feel guilty because someone close to me just got one as a gift, but I purchased a more advanced one that I felt would better suit our family and its needs. I feel guilty because I have two computers, one a laptop, so that I can take it on trips to keep up with moderating here, my emails and friends. If my hubby needs to take it with him, he does. I have cellphones for me and my husband. That way we can all keep in touch wherever we are. I feel guilty since some don't have but the home phone. I allow myself to feel guilty when I hear of someone's long distance bill being so high because I get free nights and weekends on my cellphone. I feel guilty when I talk about some show I saw on cable the night before since they can't afford cable. I feel guilty because my son, daughter and I take taekwondo and they can't afford to do anything like that for their kids. I feel guilty because even though I am a stay at home mom, we are so blessed. I am also blessed, but feel guilty, that I get child support checks. Some mom's that I know don't get them.

The biggest thing that makes me feel guilty today is that Saturday I'm leaving to go spend the weekend with my husband. I know that there are military wives that would give their right arm to see their husbands right now. My SIL is also dealing with her husband working out of town, but he's all the way in California right now so there isn't any way she can go see him. I hated to tell her that I was going to see Mike, but needed to let her know that I would be out of town for a few days.

I know that this all sounds so crazy, but it a problem with me. What am I going to do? I am going this weekend no matter what since I really miss my husband. He's already gotten my room and I AM going to see him because I want to see him.

Arrrggg! Just don't understand why I feel guilty.

Kay
 
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  #2  
Old 02-27-03, 03:20 PM
offcenter
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There is a happy medium between being sensitive to the point of feeling guilty because you might have a little more than someone else, and being arrogant and bragging about any and every accomplishment, etc. You sound like a very sensitive person and a person who has had their share of trials and tribulations. So... it would be logical to believe those who love/like you would smile and rejoice in any happiness sent your way! And- joy is contageous.

 
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Old 02-27-03, 03:26 PM
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Guilt Trip

You want to take a trip? Call your travel agent and pack your bags. Who wants a guilt trip?

Let go of guilt. Are you harboring it within yourself as unworthiness? Do yourself a favor and give up the guilt. It will make you miserable and those around you the same way. Guilt does not make you a better person. All it does is reinforce feelings that you are not good enough and don't deserve your prosperity.

Guilt can eat away at your soul like a cancer. It can destroy self-love, self-esteem, self worth. You and your family deserve the best you can afford. Never feel guilty about your prosperity. You deserve it.

Yes, there will always be those less fortunate than we. And, there are others who are more fortunate than we. I am sure wealthy people aren't feeling guilty about how you and I have less than they.

Your prosperity is a result of your family's hard work and striving to do better, good money management, establishing goals and priorities ("an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!")Take a harder look at those friends and family members. While some may not have the same opportunities as you, do they work hard and strive for better, properly manage their money, have goals and priorities?

Keep focused on your goals and priorities and you will find that you will feel less guilt. kaybyrd and all the byrdies come first! Pack your bags and take that trip to visit your husband and enjoy it. Don't take a guilt trip. And, remember to be thankful for all you do have.
 
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Old 02-27-03, 03:48 PM
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my $.02 worth is, you guys are paying the price of being apart due to the fact that the $$$ situation depends on it. as offcenter said, any one who is truly friends w/ you will be happy and from the mans point of view il bet Mike CANT WAIT to see/be with you!!!! good luck, be safe and most of all ENJOY!!!!
 
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Old 02-27-03, 06:23 PM
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The more I think about this situation and the guilt, maybe its not guilt so much as it is fear? Part of it may be due to the fact that I don't want to be the one they come to when they need money since dumba$$ should be tattooed on my forehead because I will loan them the money. I'm getting better at saying no, however I am afraid that they will come to me again. A lot of our financial problems are because I do feel so blessed that when someone needs something, I offer help. This is the vicious cycle that I'm slowly but surely, no rather quickly stopping. If I get excited about the having something new, or being able to take a spur of the moment trip then they will know that we have money and will come to me? I'm new to the 'no' thing. Some days I'm stronger than others.

I need to find balance. The balance mentioned of being overly sensitive and being arrogant. Its odd, if I tell people about something I've gotten then I hear "oh, I wish I could have that, too" or "I wish my husband made enough for us to do that"; but if I don't tell them about it then they assume that I'm made at them for not sharing the good news. I don't have that many friends because I can't deal with the demands some 'friends' put on me. I honestly have one that I know in person and a few that I've become friends with online. My dearest friend that I've known for 24 years has her ups and downs, too. We call each other, even if the other is down, to share good news. The down 'one' of us always feels better when there is good news. I don't find that with my family.

Thank you guys for letting me get this off my mind. I want this weekend to be nothing but Kay and Mike. No worries, no concerns. The rest of the world to disappear only for our short time together. I think things are really going to change for us after this weekend. Long story short: we've both been holding back in this relationship and have been talking online about the reasons why. We're both afraid. Both been hurt before so we are holding back. Guys, we've been married for almost 4 years now. Our marriage has never been in trouble, divorce never a thought, but there could be so much more to us. Our family will benefit from it as well. We've always considered us parents first, family second (brother, son, sister, daughter, brother-in-law, etc.) and husband and wife last. We're going to learn to put us first from now on...

Kay
 
  #6  
Old 02-27-03, 07:36 PM
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Don't feel guilty about doing something nice for yourself.
Life is too short ,enjoy the ride!
 
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Old 02-28-03, 05:29 AM
maggy1
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Whoa kay!

Kay: I volunteer at a local service club - I do what I can in the club.........that's my way of "giving back".

Have been in your situation: I have friends (remember my question "are you sure you don't live in Canada"?)about five years now, who are constantly in financial turmoil......Revenue Canada, debts, no money, never can afford to do anything, etc. I would be easier if I gave them money (it has crossed my mind a time or two)....however when I look at their history ( constant bad decisions, overspending on things which, in the end, won't get them ahead....) it makes me angry, not sympathetic. I have offered to help them a number of times with a budget, etc but they won't take it......it's my personal belief that, if they ever were on their feet again, they would realize that, without constant crisis, they would only have each other which is something I think they've forgotten about.

Education is better to give than money...the next time the same people ask you for money, ask them if they would like some help with budgetting, etc instead. If THEY CHOOSE to be angry because you don't lend them money, THAT IS THEIR CHOICE and should make it pretty clear which way they're headed.

Don't feel guilty - you have struggled and overcome........and you and Mike have a right to celebrate this weekend.......other than abject poverty due to absolute helplessness, making people help themselves is the best way for you and them to learn.

See Mike, go out for dinner (or stay in and HAVE A GREAT TIME! You and him deserve it.
 
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Old 02-28-03, 05:57 AM
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I am so excited about this weekend. The kids are so funny. This morning my 12yo daughter said that her throat was swollen and she couldn't swollow. I gave her some meds and she was fine. I'm on to her. She's trying to pull one on me! She wants to go with me so much that she's playing sick LOL. She's fine. No temp, no swollen throat, just a little dry. The last trip I took to see my husband the kids were suppose to be at their dads. I ended up taking all 4 of them with me since the stomach virus deal was going around. Now, they didn't know I was going to Nashville so they were really sick, not just playing. Guess she thought she was going to pull that one on me again LOL. They better get a clue! I have a mother in Memphis on stand by for them. They get sick...they go to my mom's. They have problems here, my mom comes and gets them. I hate for them to miss school on Monday if they end up in Memphis, BUT I'm going to see my husband.

I have so much to do to get ready. Maybe not, just a little excited so I feel like running around here getting ready. I have a meeting this morning at 10 with some local ladies (will post about this later) and then taekwondo tonight at 6. I've been getting ready for this all week so now I'm not sure what to do with myself to continue getting ready. Other than that, I'm probably going to avoid family and friends until I leave so that no one starts in on me about "I wish I could...". I'm so ready to be rude and tell them to spit in one hand and wish in the other, and see what they have more of LOL. To quit wishing and start making things happen for themselves.

Thank you all for posting. I remember something my first husband told me (the whole marriage wasn't a waste). It was that one day my kindness was going to get me in trouble. He was right, and since he's my ex and I'm not suppose to like him I have no choice but from this day forth to prove him wrong LOL.

Kay
 
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Old 02-28-03, 06:01 AM
maggy1
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kay

I think you already have!!!
 
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Old 03-02-03, 12:08 AM
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Not feeling guilty!

After a very long drive I finally got here. Its 2 a.m. now and we're finally settling in again. I had to 'nap' a little when I arrived, then went to eat. After bugging my husband's roomy for a little bit, his roomy took us out to eat again. Its been great being with Mike. I felt kind of foolish making the trip since he told me that he was coming home next weekend, but decided that it didn't matter. We needed the time alone.

Tomorrow the guys and I are going shopping. That's going to be a hoot! If its clear we're heading to the beach to see the sites. Well, I guess that would be later today LOL.

Will check back in later.......

Kay
 
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Old 03-03-03, 10:13 AM
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Hey Kay

Well....how was your weekend? Hope it was wonderful!

Just found out our 25 year (amortization period) mortgage (bought house 3 years ago) is now down to 12 years! We have putting a little extra on it every year and increased payments twice and we're almost there! I'm hoping we can cut that 12 down to 5! (I think our mortgages differ slightly than your points system from what I understand - what I did would be equivalent to paying off points, I think).

Boy, when the house is paid off, gives working a whole new meaning!
 
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Old 03-03-03, 03:38 PM
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kay hope you had a wonderful weekend. ditch the guilt stuff. you deserve what you have. you worked hard for it . i know cause iv read you working through things here. if others are jealous thats their problem. i have a " friend" that met the man of her dreams has a beautiful house. is building another one in a few years worth 2 million dollars and is still unhappy. she as all the depth of a puddle. ive known her for 10 years and i havent hardly heard from her in the past year except how upset she is that i havent seen her new house. you are a caring lovely person and others can have what you have if they manage the way you have. hugs
 
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Old 03-04-03, 11:43 AM
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I had a great weekend. Although the drive was long and I got lost in Mobile (LOL ~ Mardi Gras) due to detours I made it fine. The trip home was nice since I knew that the kids had cleaned up the house (somewhat) and had a great weekend too. I stopped in to see my cousin who lives in Mobile on the way home. Ended up not getting back here until around 11:30 at night.

It looks as though our guys will be coming home this weekend, but one will have to stay there. Yikes. If Mike has to stay there for another month, we may try to work it where we can all go see him next time. It was a fun place (if you had money, tourist town) and we'd like to take the kids to race the go-karts like the big-boys did while I was there. Most of my time there was spent just resting and relaxing.

I guess I'm a little sneaky about the kids. They aren't allowed to eat in the living room or their rooms, but I told the oldest that he could be the 'hero' instead of the keeper and allow them some freedoms while I was gone. They didn't go overboard so I was very pleased when I got home. I have to vacuum the popcorn out of the living room and collect dishes out of the bedrooms. They tried to cover the 'evidence' by cleaning up, but there are telltale signs everywhere.

Kay
 
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Old 03-04-03, 12:55 PM
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glad you had a good weekend. kids always leave evidence. i know mine did they just dont clean like we do. hope mike gets to come home.
 
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Old 03-04-03, 01:06 PM
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I hope he does too. This weekend re-spoiled me to having him near me. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to sleep last night, but I was wrong. Zonked right out after my head hit the pillow.

I feel truly blessed that I got to see him even though it wasn't but for a few days. I am going to start taking advantage (morally and responsibly mind you) that come my way for happiness and simple pleasures such as this. Guilt free, too. I have been so blessed but haven't even noticed due to the 'stupid' guilt deal. We weren't always this blessed, but today we are. We may have been then too, if I had allowed it.

Kay
 
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Old 03-04-03, 01:11 PM
sunshine1952
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i dont have the clappy hands but if i did i would put up a whole bunch of them for you. blessings are small miracles and should be treated as such and enjoyed to the max. enjoy away my friend hugs.
 
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Old 03-04-03, 01:38 PM
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I was reading through some of the posts in this thread that I didn't catch while out of town.

I am not sure what has brought on this change of mind that I've had over the past year. I know that voicing these problems (couldn't pick just one thing I wanted to change since everything seemed so out of whack) I have been able to get rid of the small ones. The big ones seem to be the easiest to figure out, the little ones are the ones that literally take me down since there are so many of them.

I guess the biggest help in my life has been this statement. Not sure where I heard it but it is this: is this battle worth fighting? Took me awhile to grasp the meaning of it. Is it really worth it to get bent out of shape over the fact that the towels never remained folded in the linen closet after someone grabbed one. Was it worth it for me to have an immaculate house? Most of the answers I came up with were no. The headache and worry over some things were just not worth it, and wouldn't have a significant reward if I 'won' the battle. After awhile, I began looking at things differently and although I still have a long way to go I can see a smile on my face more than war paint today. Slow process, but hey, took me 40 years to get this way I can't expect to change everything in just a few days. Took a whole new way of seeing things for it to be effective.

Kay
 
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Old 03-04-03, 01:39 PM
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kay,
glad your weekend was everything you wanted!!!!! another daddy-daughter nite tonite !!!YAY !
 
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Old 03-05-03, 04:27 AM
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is it a mountain or a bump?

Nice to see you back, Kay - glad you had a good time!

When you mentioned about the house being cleaned, towels folded, it struck a little chord: my hubby and I have put an addition on our house (spend a lot of time in room design and flooring posts) - he has a chair which used to belong to my stepdad years ago - it a simple version of a lazy boy - very dated (smokey grey) and kinda holey with some duct tape here and there - I would like to get new furniture once the addition is done (it's the biggest room in our almost 1000 sq ft house) - and the chair was becoming a mission to get rid of - you know, nice matching furniture, etc.

I was looking at my hubby sitting in it the other night (one of those sneaky watching things out of the corner of your eye) and realized that he truly loved that chair and he was just so comfy - it was one of those put it in perspective things - now, I don't care if that chair stays the rest of our lives, as long as he's in it I'm happy.

Funny how later in life, things that you would have argued tooth and nail about when you were younger, don't really matter now.
 
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Old 03-05-03, 05:52 AM
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Yahoo daddy-daughter night! My girls and I have momma-daughter weekends. Usually out of town at my best friend's along with her daughter. We watch movies like Crossroads...

The boys and I eat lots of junk food and watch movies with very fast cars on 'guy' nights. Its not momma-son night, its the guys night

I don't know if I should be honored to be one of the guys or offended!

Maggy, your husband's chair is an eye opener. More than likely it was moments like that in my life that I began to question why I was so unhappy. I was unhappy and yet I see my kids smiling when they could wear an old shirt of theirs. I didn't see how the shirt was special, so I usually would frown about them wearing it. More than likely a good friend or their dad had given it to them. I'd find a stick in my son's bedroom. I couldn't throw it away since everytime he had that stick he was a hockey pro or a baseball pro. He has a hockey stick and a baseball bat. Why a stick? The real question: what does it matter? They are happy. Happy with the simple things.

I have an old chair, too. It was the first piece of furniture that my husband and I bought. We paid $20 for it at Goodwill just about 6 years ago. We werent married at the time, just dating. So funny. We were both working at the time. I made as much money as he did which means we could have purchased a brand new living room suite, but I sat in this chair and fell in love with it. So did he. Every time I think of either getting rid of the chair or redoing it, I can't. I think that every time that life seems unfair to me I'm going to go sit in my chair. Life is always good sitting in my chair! So simple, such simple pleasures. Simple pleasures always seem to be the purest and last the longest.

I think that I've allowed other's comments have also been a huge factor in my unhappiness about my life. I take everything personally. Even comments by friends and family that they don't even think about before they say. Mom mentioned one time that my home was a furniture store. Guess it could be, but I took it personally. I don't worry much about the statement today since it dawned on me that most of the furniture I had at the time she gave me because she didn't have room for it or had redone a room. I will never have a better homes and gardens type interior. I have my cousin's old kitchen table. I love it. Loved it the day she got it but never could find one like it when I needed a new table. Now I'm the proud owner of it. I use Corelle dishes instead of Stoneware or China because I like the simplicity of the look. I use to have this big, bulky crud so that I would have a 'set' table at meals. I'm getting there guys!

Now, when I think that I need to get this or change that, I ask myself "who says I need to do this, or that". Most of the time its a comment or statement from someone else, but not the way I feel. I'm learning to consider the source and if they won't hush up I 'flick' them off my shoulder since I'm seem to have my whole family riding on my shoulders at times LOL just whispering in my ear, sometimes yelling, that I should do this, should do that...

Kay
 
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Old 03-05-03, 09:27 AM
maggy1
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Kay - How did the meeting with the ladies go? Is it a club?

It's funny what people collect - my husbandy has the keys to every car he's ever driven in a margarine bucket (it's full to the top)....he keeps it in his top drawer.

Kids have the most amazing collections - everything could possibly be something else - a stick is a sword - marbles are stones with secret writing inside them........boy, we could learn things from them about imagination!

I learned 10 years ago that people sometimes make comments with the intention that it's simply an observation, not a criticism. And even if it is a criticism, my mom always told me "consider where it comes from then decide if it's important". it's taking me a long time to gain my confidence and self-respect........at this point in the game, there's no one big enough to take it away!

I'm in the same boat as the money thing with my in-laws - they are seniors and forever broke. Not from not getting any income, just from making bad decisions over their lives..........they joke all the time when we're taking our yearly vacation, why don't we buy them tickets too, after all, they're just poor seniors!

While I feel badly that they choose not to save their money, I refuse to feel guilty because I choose to save for trips or other things.
 
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Old 03-05-03, 04:56 PM
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The meeting last Friday was for Flylady.net. Its a site for those of us that are born unorganized, instead of BO (LOL) born organized. Since we can't get everyone together in one place from all over the country, we decided to meet in our little neck of the woods. It was fun sitting around trading tips on how to organize a child's room, or your kitchen. Menu planning is a hard thing for me so I picked up some tips on that while there, too.

I am glad that I posted here about this guilt problem I have since it comes up on occassion. Guys, I swear just earlier this year I had my car repo'd and they were talking about foreclosing on the house. It took a little maneuvering, and NOT borrowing any money to clear it up (got the car back, too). Tell me that we aren't blessed! It is very poor judgement on my part. Had been for several months before that in me feeling guilty and feeling the need to put others first instead of my family. Today we have our bills paid and I even took a trip to AL to see my husband for a couple of days.

I've tried the 'teach the guy to fish' technique and end up wasting money on that, too. Well, I went about it wrongly in that I made the initial investment in whatever it was and the projects were never finished. I'm learning, and also learning not to feel guilty about saying no, too.

My side of the family is the most critical and I still allow it to hurt me. I spent 12 years in AA learning to take what I could use, and throw the rest away...until it comes to my family. I'm just now learning it, applying it. I can take a comment such as "she's too old to wear her hair that way" as I need to have short hair. Have worn short hair since I was 12 for heavens sake! Mom could be referring to a total stranger, too. Funny how someone you trust and put so much faith in can screw you up so much and not even realize it.

I am a total packrat. I finally cleaned out my closet last year of all the clothes I don't wear anymore. I had stuff that I had never worn, but was given by others that didn't want them anymore. I also found clothes that I had purchased thinking I would change my look/style and they still had the tags on them. I took these clothes along with 3 truck loads of stuff to goodwill one day. I'm still sorting out things and finding junk I didn't even know I had or remember where I got them. If a scrap of paper has a phone number on it, I won't throw it away. I don't even know who the number belongs to, and don't plan on calling it, but keep it none-the-less. I'm slowly but surely changing that, too. And magazines...well, lets not even go there LOL!

Kay
 
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Old 03-05-03, 05:00 PM
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A little something I just received from Flylady

From Flylady email today!

"This goes for those of you that are over generous in your giving.
Giving is not a bad thing, but giving to get attention and to look good to others is. You can't give till you have paid your bills and paid yourself first. This goes for birthday gifts and donations too.
If not you are going to be living on the kindness of others when you retire and run out of money."


Makes you go hmmmmm. Or it did me, anyway. Strange that I should receive this email today! The last sentence is the clencher for me.

Kay
 

Last edited by kaybyrd; 03-06-03 at 06:10 AM.
  #24  
Old 03-06-03, 05:07 AM
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Guilty

kaybyrd, Flylady hit the nail on the head!
 
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Old 03-06-03, 07:27 AM
sunshine1952
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kay do i ever relate to that saying i wouldnt be in the mess im in if i had worried a little more about helping myself instead of everyone else. i was always giving to everyone and his brother even if it was my last dollar. sometimes literally. if stupidity won prizes lol. kay i have some pieces of paper with phone # on them to you can add them to your collection and i could clean up one of mine. i had to get rid of a bunch of stuff when i moved in with my kid. great way to clean out. go from a 2 bed apt to a den . i wouldnt reccomend it though. i had a lot of my quilt mags and a lot of books i had to get rid of. most of the knick knacks ive collected over the years . furniture washer and dryer. i guess its just less stuff to collect dust. and its just stuff. i can always replace it thats what thrift stores are for. starting over can be fun.
 
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Old 03-06-03, 08:02 AM
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yes, starting over can be fun. Better if its by choice, not force. However, sometimes the force is good since it makes us get back where we needed to be in the first place. All in how you look at it I guess.

I like my starting over that I'm doing now. Is a little uncomfortable at times since its out of my comfort zone, but the house is becoming a home, and I think I'm becoming a better wife and mother because of it. Just adjustments.

Kay
 
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Old 03-07-03, 07:08 AM
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I'm with you on that!

Boy, Kay, sounds like you and I have some common interests - only I'm the "thrower" and my hubby is the "collector" - you never going when you're going to need that screw that doesn't fit anything now but might in the future!

I just go around the house, put them all in a jar and he takes them to his workshop - he seems to like having that stuff around and it's out of my way!

I've done the "change the look" before too - ended up with some clothes I wore once and that was about it. I've got a lot of those "they don't fit me now but might in the future".

Didn't do the AA thing but did it myself - still enjoy a cold beer once in a while though!

My mom used the say the same thing "boy, that haircut would look nice on you"...........you're too old to wear your hair long, etc. Thing is, I would love to hear that now - her voice is something I really miss.

Interesting thing is, her mom was like that too.......never really seemed to be happy with anything she did ........ we finally talked about it about 15 years ago..........because I was having a hard time dealing with the comments. Finally, I just told her that I was comfortable with myself and that she should be too and if she wasn't, she didn't have to see me. To my surprise, she was pretty upset and really didn't understand how her comments had come across. Ever since then, it was pretty much smooth sailing other than conversations that started with a giggle and a"well, I know it's none of my business but......".

I used to tell her how cute she was all the time and she would giggle like a schoolgirl.........she never got a lot of that from her parents and even at 60, she loved it! Another thing they were never into was physical affection - hugs, etc. I used to kiss her on the cheek every time I left her place and one day I didn't - can't remember why - she mentioned it to the very next time I was there - said it was a quality about me she admired - I was always very free with my affection - you know, holding hands with boyfriends, hugs, etc. (nothing like the gropey, touchy feely people, just casual gestures) (got that from my dad) ) - boy, bet I never missed one after that!
 
  #28  
Old 03-07-03, 07:46 AM
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Now that I've learned more about my mom and her mom I understand where some of it comes from. Mom and I talk a lot about how words hurt, and that we need to be kinder to each other. One thing that you mentioned that I would like to start doing is to stop always expecting my mom to say nice things to me or about me and me not doing the same for her. I just realized that I don't compliment my mom enough. Maybe that's what she needs and is why she can be negative to me. It may be that she is craving something nice said about her. I don't go there expecting compliments, just hate the negative comments that I receive when I do get brave and go over there. I think next time I will find something positive and ego boosting to say toward/to her when I first walk in the door. Maybe that way it will keep things on a positive note while there.

Kay

Ps. I'm the backrat with screws, nuts and bolts LOL. I am getting better, tho. Use to be that anything that broke got taken apart for the screws and the screws were stored "just in case" lol.

K
 
  #29  
Old 03-07-03, 10:09 AM
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Positive thoughts attract positive actions

Of all the odd things, my mom used to tell me "how would you feel if someone said that to you?" when I get overly critical. Now, I think before I say something, even for a minute and just gaze at the other person. I try to find something to admire (eyes are a big thing with me).

It's easier when you don't get that tense feeling in your stomache 'cause you just know she's going to say something to make you scream inside. Even when she used to get critical, I'd just smile and mention something positive - "when you get older, you shouldn't wear long hair"........I always used to say something like "you look so great with short hair.....did you just get it done?". Even if she didn't, it triggered a positive response or at the very least, changed the subject.

I always try to think positive (sometimes think that people believe I'm a bit ditzy because when I can't think of something positive) I just smile and nod) but it's better than saying negative things.

It seems to atttract more positive people and the ones who are constantly whining or criticizing tend to feel out of place and try to be more positive. (if that makes any sense).
 
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Old 03-07-03, 10:27 AM
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I think that would be a good thing for me to start doing. The first thing out of my mouth when I see someone, anyone, should be something positive whether just a smile or if I know them or the situation warrants it, a compliment of some sort. Not just a comment on a possession but how well that shirt looks on them, or how cute their hair looks, etc. Something personal.

Thanks for pointing that out to me. It something that could really evoke positive change in almost any situation.

Kay
 
  #31  
Old 03-07-03, 10:39 AM
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the co. i work for sends us to alot of training classes especially ones dealing woth interpersonal relations, and one of the things i remember them saying was if you have negative criticism(a little redundant, eh?) to give someone you should try to start out w/ 2 positive comments first. sorry to butt in but i was just lurking around an figgured id give my $.02 worth.
 
  #32  
Old 03-07-03, 10:48 AM
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I'm glad you did! This is such a simple concept that its amazing how easily its overlooked. I am slowly but surely realizing that the KISS principal works best in live, period. In case some don't know what KISS stands for (we use the term in computer forum a lot) is Keep It Simple Stupid. Sometimes when we know how to do things we forget that someone else is just starting out and we may be talking about something way over their current knowledge or abilities. I'm not sure why 'stupid' is there, maybe because we are 'stupid' to assume that someone knows what we're talking about LOL.

Kay
 
  #33  
Old 03-07-03, 10:58 AM
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they also taught that tone of voice is important, as in if it sounds sarcastic angry or partronzing obviously it automatically puts people on the defensive. your tone should be as even as it would if you were saying "it's raining outside". sounds like a little psychobabble, but the concept works. its amazing how a conversation can be shifted with the proper or improper inflection in ones voice.
 
  #34  
Old 03-07-03, 11:11 AM
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{{Ragnar}} had pointed out to me some of the words that I use are extreme when describing things. The example was a statement I made here: my life is a nightmare. The same principal can be used in criticisms as well. Instead of saying that shirt looks horrible on you, maybe something like that shirt doesn't bring out the brightness of your eyes. Okay, I'm grasping here, but trying to make a simple point LOL. Instead of: you're hair is a mess, maybe say that your hair is a little mussed or something. I am thinking of the things I say to my daughters while I type this. Meagan, my 12yo, never brushes her hair except in the morning or after taking a shower. I need to be kinder on how I approach her when we go somewhere and she needs to run a brush through it before we go. She would probably be more receptive to "your hair is a little mussed (they get tickled when I use that word)" as opposed to "you look like an orphan, go brush your hair" or "go brush your hair". I also agree that the tone can make a big difference too. Thinking on this hair deal made me realize that I am usually short toned with her on the 'go brush your hair' and it comes out more than I say just from my tone. I do get frustrated with the fact I have to remind a 12yo to brush their hair and I know that it comes over in the way I say it.

Kay
 

Last edited by kaybyrd; 03-07-03 at 12:58 PM.
  #35  
Old 03-07-03, 11:25 AM
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how they told us to apply this technique, was to say "its raining outside" to your self and to use the same tone when saying "you need to brush your hair. " seems a little silly, but it works!! i have tried it out on my 2 and although they are young yet, (3&5) they seem to respond better to a conversational tone than to one of hysterics!
 
  #36  
Old 03-14-03, 01:56 PM
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Positive thoughts

It's funny, over the years, you come to realize what is important to you and what isn't.

Being positive all the time takes concentration for a while and some hard work, but then it comes as a habit.

I get teased a lot at work (I'm the only girl working with 11 guys)....for always being positive (not giggly and airy)....they ask me all the time how the butterflies, kittens, fluffy clouds and happy people are in my world!

It's taken a lot of years and a lot of work to get this way..........10 years ago I could have given you the negative side of a sunny day!

I'm glad that I could help, Kay....hope things are going well!

P.S. My neice is a non-hairbrusher - she has the most beautiful coloured hair - so for special occasions I buy her lots of the stuff kids put in their hair (plastic clips, hairbands, that kind of stuff). She seems to like it and it works - not all the time but some.
 
  #37  
Old 03-16-03, 06:49 AM
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I try buying my daughter pretty hair accessories, neat brushes, etc but it works for about a day, if that long. She's just not a 'fusser' when it comes to her appearance. Just clean and neat. Sometimes I think she 'hides' behind her hair. When she feels good about herself, the hair is behind the ears and brushed smooth, and looks very nice/shiney. When she isn't feeling so on-top-of-the-world she is still clean, but not always so neat.

I am trying different approaches to both the hair and esteem deal with her. I may be going overboard (personally I don't think so) but now when one of the kids walks into the room and stands near me I put my arm around them for a few seconds, and if we start talking I keep my arm around their shoulder for a few seconds into the conversation (usually when they pull away a little so they can talk - we all talk with our hands LOL). If one of the kids is in the kitchen and I walk in, I touch them on the shoulder to let them know i'm there and just say hi. Some of it sounds silly, but I'm not sure how to describe exactly what I've been doing. Basically, just letting them know that I am aware of them, and I care. My husband does that for me and I love it. He walks into a room where I am, kisses me on the cheek or puts his hand on my shoulder, says "hi honey" and then moves onto the next room or wherever he was headed. It makes me feel special in his eyes/heart and I want to pass that same feeling of being special to me to the kids.

Kay

Ps. It has helped me to remain calmer during the mini-crisis, and also helps them to remain calmer and they are happier, less fussy kids. I've only been doing this for a week now so I'm not sure if it is short term or long term yet for them.

K
 
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