INTENSE anxiety...


Old 08-22-03, 08:54 PM
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INTENSE anxiety...

I generally don't have a problem with stress, but I find myself in a situation that has me reeling with true anxiety...

A little background... About 13 years ago, prior to being married or having kids, I applied for a job that I thought would be my dream job... I passed the entrance test and got all my paperwork and stuff out of the way, and then got the old "Don't call us, we will call you."... Anyway, here I am 13 years later, just turned 30, and I am running my dad's plumbing company with him... We are 50% partners... He does all the paperwork, licensing, bidding... I do or oversee all the work in the field... I make enough money to support my family, but running a business is not always stress-free... At any rate, the problem is this... I was called in December and was told that I am now being considered for employment for my so-called "dream" job... The catch is that I would have to transfer to my facility wherever I was needed... Well that facility is Albuquerque, New Mexico!... I live in Atlanta... What is that? Like 1500 miles away? So now, for me to take the job, I have to go train for 4 months prior to moving to New Mexico, during which time I won't see my little baby girl, my little boy, or my sweet wife... After the four months, I will have to uproot the whole family and move them 5 states away from all the moms, grandma's, grandpa's, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc., etc... My father will lose a good deal of income and might have to stop the plumbing business all together that has been in business since my grandfather started it nearly 60 years ago... He could continue with it, but I don't know that he will want to without my help... And here we will be, living in a state I have never even driven through... everyone having to start over with friends, schools, etc., etc., just for me to have a chance at my job that I applied for so long ago... Thoughts? Advice?

Come on Kaybyrd and Twelve, this is right up your alley... ...

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Old 08-23-03, 03:04 AM
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: USA
Posts: 15,834

Ragnar, I hope your life's decisions & guilt are not going to be placed upon kaybyrd & me. kaybyrd & I have full platters and wish our lives were different.

When we are at a crossroads in our lives, it is always an issue of whether we turn left or right or take the road that runs straight & narrow that lies straight ahead. The road that lies straight ahead tends to be visible and usually without obstacles. Those turns to the right and left tend not to be visible.

It boils down to the issue of risk taking. Making wrong turns and dealing with guilt can be a heavy load. I live with it every day.

If we don't take the risk. then we spend the rest of our lives wondering how it would have been if we would have taken the risk. Maybe this? Maybe that?

I made a wrong turn & am stuck in a small business situation with huge debt. I will be in this situation until death. I don't like it, but it is where I am. But, it is better than where I was despite he pain. I am independent.

It boils down to what is more important to you. Family or dream job. Your issues you posted focus upon family. It boils down to what is more important--a dream job or all those warm, fuzzy familial connections.

Based upon my personal experience with my familial relationships, twelvepole would say go with the job rather than the family decisons. kaybyrd may state the opposite because she still has little byrdies at home and is still parenting.

I am flattered that you that you ask us two ladies for advise. I look forward to reading kaybyrd's advise. It is a heavy load you place upon us two little ladies. kaybyrd always has greater wisdom than I in such matters. I look forward to kaybyrd's adivice. She is a guru with great gifts and by far more sensitive than I when it comes to familial relationships. My love and respect for this gal is unsurpassed.

Whatever you decide to do, please let us know. Please stay part of our family at
Old 08-23-03, 04:35 AM
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Northeastern NC On The Albemarle Sound
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This is one of those life-changing major decisions that we all face from time to time. Only you and your wife can make it.
Far be it from me to pretend that I've always made the best decisions. (Anyone who claims that doesn't have a grasp of the real situation. LOL)
Benjamin Franklin had a simple method of helping himself make decisions. Draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper, and write "Pros" and "Cons" above each side. Then start listing everything that you can think of in both columns.
It isn't perfect, but it will be a basic start in the process that will help you think it through.
I've lived in Altanta and worked temporarily in Albuquerque (lived in Dallas at the time). Obviously, they have a VAST difference in cultures, geography, etc., but that isn't all bad.
For starters, on the one hand, you have well-established "self-employment job security". On the other, working for others, you have none in this day and age. There is stress in either situation.
If you went with the dream job, would the family business still be there if you changed your mind? Is the financial reward great enough, factoring in company benefits, as well as income?
You're young enough to take employment "risks", but only you and your wife can make that call, based on how it affects you and your entire family.
Good luck!
Old 08-23-03, 04:54 AM
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I don't know what your "dreamjob" is, but I discovered one thing a long time ago.....there ain't no GOOD jobs......a company will use you until it doesn't serve their economic purpose anymore and then discard you like last year's computer model......especially if you're a health liability or close to retirement. 350 of the Fortune 500 companies have unfunded pension plans........contracts they made with their employees and now, due to basing their projections on unrealistic growth rates, may well not be able to keep.

And if it's a government "dreamjob", you might want to glance at the current debt situation and how much it has grown in the last couple decades. With the coming of retiring boomers, there is likely gonna be a REAL fiscal crisis in the next 5-10 years.....and government MAY have to do something unheard of.....actually trim down in size.

Your current situation of self employment or partnership in a family business is something you ought to look REAL close at before you throw it away on a pie-in-the-sky deal.

On the other hand, New Mexico is a real nice place to live ......what do I know
Old 08-23-03, 06:59 AM
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Location: N.W. MS.
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Wow, your dream job! I can't remember what my dreams were 13 years ago. I know what it was 30 years ago: to be a wife and mother. It took failed marriages to get there, but I'm living that dream now.

I read this at 1:00 a.m. this morning during my routine check on my daughter. When I watch her sleep, so many things go through my mind. She's still beautiful, stitches and all. Then hate fills my heart. I have to push it away so it doesn't fill me up and I have no room for love for my family. I want to hurt the boy that did this to her. As Twelvepole stated, I am very familial, and I want you to know my state of mind when I write this so you can take it from where I am today.

You've gotten some great posts on what to think about. I was going to recommend the list the pros and cons. Are the cons something you can live with? Are the pros worth the restructuring and relocation? Life is balance - you cannot have pleasure without pain.

What does your beautiful wife say? I tell my husband anything that I think he wants to hear. I will also follow my husband to the ends of the earth if he asks me. I trust him. In all honesty that isn't true. If he asked me to move to Saudi Arabia I would have to decline. I don't want to be that far away from the rest of my family. New Mexico sounds nice, but I would sincerely have to think on that one. If Mike and I were there together, then I believe it would be okay.

What does your father say? This does involve him in every way. He may need you to stay or he may want you to go follow your dream. Let him be an active part of this decision so there will never be any regrets on either's part.

Four months seems like forever and a day. It ends up being only four months. My husband's longest trip away from us was 9 months. He came home for visits every 2 months. If things had worked out a year ago he would have been in Saudi Arabia for a year, with no visits from or to home. It was a family decision. A whole family decision including my family and in-laws. I would need help and support while he was gone. War broke out there, so the contract on the job became null and void. I silently thanked God for the war (sorry to those involved in it) since I didn't know if I could actually be that brave or strong for that long. He is leaving in two weeks for a 2 month job. This is, however, a part of our lives. He won't be coming home during this time, but by golly I can get to him if only for a weekend.

Back to the Saudi job: we didn't have much time to really make an honest decision about it. During the time we did, we discussed it, plus prepared for it as though he was going to go. We realized in acting as though we were going through with it, it would be okay and would benefit our family as a whole financially. Today we realize that none of us are emotionally strong enough to be away from each other that long (our circle of family - me, Mike and the kids). We can handle four months, with visits but not a year.

Personally I want you and your family to follow your dreams. How often are we given a chance to do so? Then again, is this one of lifes tests? How important is that dream to us? Can we achieve this dream closer to home, or is this the only way it can be done. The big question, and the one that you are asking: can I live with my decision.

If you decide to follow your dream, is there a way that you can help set your father up to continue the business on his own? Does your father actually want the business to continue or would he like to sell out and have an early retirement? Can your father live with you not taking the job because of the partnership?

Will this dream job allow your family to make regular visits back home or will it create a situation where seeing family is a once or twice a year (if that) situation?

Talk to all family members involved. Keep talking until everyone can get past the selfish emotions and look at this decision with clear minds and hearts.

I will keep you and your family in my heart and thoughts. I want the best for you and your immediate family (your wife, you and your children). This is your main life circle. The rest, unfortunately to our hearts, have to be secondary.

If one of my children didn't follow their dreams so they could stay around to help me I would be heartbroken. No matter the situation. I don't want my children to live their lives for me. If they do that, when I die who are they going to live their life for? I want my children to follow their dreams and be happy. This is this mother's point of view.

My father passed away in 1988, and Mike grew up without a father. I have no fathers to ask what how they would view this set of circumstances.

Just keep talking through this. You will find an answer. No major regrets Ragnar. Don't spend your life regretting. Keep in mind as selfish as this sounds the final decision is to be yours and your wife's.

Something I am learning in life is that the more fullfilled and happier Kay there is, the better Kay the wife, Kay the mom, Kay the Friend, etc. emerges. It all depends on the foundation of Kay. The stronger that foundation is, then the different roles I play are based upon a strong foundation and I can be better at those roles.

You and your family have my love and friendship in whatever you choose.

Old 08-23-03, 08:09 AM
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The words expressed here by those whom are far better than I could ever be putting thoughts into words, will suffice for me too.

With one added suggestion.

I too, many years ago faced the exact same crossroads you are currently facing. I too used the line down the center of the page method. Pros on one side, cons on the other. The method worked for me.

On one side of the page listed many of the pros. One the other side listed just one con. It made all the difference in the world.

That only con was, life-style.

I simply would not fit into the lifestyle in that particular state in which I would have had to move into for the job, much less fit into the life style in that area.

So how did I determine this? Simple. I went alone for a visit. Stayed in the area for a few days and took close note of the surroundings, life style and how I would appear to the residents as I am.

Thus the turning point, based on first hand prior experience. Test drove it first and did not like it. Same methods used to make product purchases.

Worked for me. I suggest you do like wise, if possible. The method may work well for you too.

And there it is..."My Entire Two Cents Worth"......

Best Wishes.

Last edited by Sharp Advice; 08-23-03 at 09:19 PM.
Old 08-23-03, 12:46 PM
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Wow! What a heart-warming, well thought out list of replies... Rather touching, and I didn't even cry at the end of Old Yeller...

Anyway, I really appreciate it... I have tried to think fairly of all the pros and cons, but I always find myself circling back to wanting to take the job... After being there for around 2 years, I can get transfered back closer to Atlanta if I play my cards right... I believe I will be in a situation where I can afford to let my wife fly back with the kids once a month or so to see her family.... And while my father may cut back on the business while I am gone, I will always have the option of going back to the family business, so I guess that is not too much of a risk... It is a government job that I am looking at so I don't have to worry too much about being laid off, but I do know from experience that the red tape involved in working with the government may push me far beyond my tolerance for inefficiency... I suppose that I feel very sure that I could succeed at the other job, OR come back to this one so the risk is not so great in that area... My greatest concern is that I may hurt my wife and kids by pulling them away from their current friends, family, etc... However, I also think that most people live their whole lives without ever taking a real chance... I am most excited about living in NM... Somewhere new and different unlike anything my kids or wife have ever seen... In a lot of ways, I think I may be doing them a favor... I just hope they see the pros as readily as I do... Thanks so much to those that took the time to post back... I won't be sleeping this month, and will be up late on DIY...

By the way Twelve... (and Kay)... I would never dream of transferring guilt to you... All advice is appreciated but I am always willing to stand up and take whatever consequences are created by the decisions I make... Your thoughts and advice are always welcome...
Old 08-23-03, 02:54 PM
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It sounds like a great deal. Gov't job...well, talk about some security! I never realized the security we had as family while growing up simply because my father worked for the gov't.

However, he always joked about everything having to be done in triplicate...even toilet paper usage LOL.

The benefits are unbelievable when working with the gov't. Sometimes the stress is there but that is the way it is in any job.

It seems the relocation issue is what is at hand at the moment. As you said, if it doesn't work out then you can always come back to Atlanta, and even better maybe come back to Atlanta as part of your job. If your family is supportive, then I say go for it. Catch the dream.

Just my humble opinion .

Old 08-23-03, 03:32 PM
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Canton Ohio
Posts: 1,397
A dream job only remains a dream job until it becomes reality, then it's just a job. If it were me I'd discuss it with my family. If you go and it don't work out your dad will surely have you back.
Old 08-28-03, 04:20 PM
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my two cents .well maybe one. i never regreted anything i did only the things i never tried. what an adventure. NM is beautiful. i have a friend who lives in ruidoso. she wants me to come and visit. which i will do when i can. you can always come back to atlanta and theres cheap flights now and phones and email. good luck
Old 08-28-03, 07:05 PM
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Northeastern NC On The Albemarle Sound
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I think that I'd go for it, Brian, but that's up to you and your's.
Good Luck!

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