We now pause for this important political humor break

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  #1  
Old 07-18-04, 12:38 PM
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We now pause for this important political humor break

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, heck, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." -David Letterman

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." -Jay Leno

"Well, the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' -Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a foolproof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." -Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." -Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." -Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." -Jay Leno

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." -Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." -Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" -Conan O'Brien

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" -Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." -Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." -Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." -Jay Leno
 
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Old 07-19-04, 12:06 PM
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Smile A great way of life our system of elections.

TG you know, no matter what the rest of the world thinks we have the best system of Government bar none.

Where can you go every 4 years & get so much free comedy? We laugh at the process because we can, & we also know If our guy did not win, we don't have to wait too long, & we get to do it again.

Can you imagine trying this in post War Afganistan? They would cut your toung out yep we vote to change our Government & they have to chose whos left standing after a big Gun fight.

I hope we can all agree to disagree, but just in case don't forget 4 years & we do it all again. New faces to blow up in Cartoons new jokes, Gepheart win VP Place! on the Times LOL that was as funny as the Dewey defeats Truman debacle.

I realy am having a good time! If by chance you aren't just think about Afganistan. I watch Jay before bed & he is just crackin us up. We think Canadates get mean just think not to far back & public debate would evolve into fisticufs between the Canadates. The 1800s political attack ads, were nasty by todays standards & they called names & picked fights to boot.

Enjoy yourselves, & have a little fun while your at it.
 

Last edited by marturo; 07-19-04 at 12:24 PM.
  #3  
Old 07-19-04, 12:42 PM
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LOL! That's some funny stuff, TG. I love a good joke. However, even though you are obviously a staunch Republican, you can still post some jokes about them, too. God knows there's lots. Let's be fair now.

Chris

Wait, I'll start:

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls." — Craig Kilborn

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno

"Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno

"You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno

"A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel

"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn

"Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." —Craig Kilborn

"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno

"Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman

"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" —David Letterman

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno

"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman
 
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Old 07-20-04, 05:27 AM
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Funny stuff on both sides. And well said, marturo.

I'm a staunch AMERICAN who happens to generally vote Republican, thank you very much.

Good column in yesterday's paper (Cal Thomas, I think) quoting what Kerry said about Edwards, and vice versa, during the primaries. Almost as funny as the Leno & Letterman stuff. One of the serious pitfalls of bad-mouthing your competition early in the election year.

Waiting for the national (liberal) media to bring up John Edwards inexperience as an issue; you know, like they did with former Vice President Quayle. Yeah, right. Edwards is a first term Senator (and I've read reports his re-election would be in question). Quayle had 4 years as a Congressman and 8 years as a Senator. Edwards, by the way, sat on the Senate Intelligence Committee and was privy to most if not all of the pre- & post- 9/11 intelligence; how come he didn't do a better job? Did I ever want Quayle to be President? No! But fair is fair; this is just one of hundreds of examples of which show the direction the major national media (who express shock when someone suggests partisanship) lean.
 
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Old 07-22-04, 07:04 AM
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Ok, this is just plain funny as hell:

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/this_land

Click on "Watch Film".

Chris
 
  #6  
Old 07-23-04, 04:53 AM
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AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROFLMFAO

Especially liked the part with Bill and Monica with Hillary slapping the crap out of Bill.
 
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Old 07-23-04, 05:42 AM
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Yeah, that whole vid is hilarious!

Type in "Bush humor" or "Kerry humor" into Google and you get so much it's ridiculous.

Chris
 
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Old 07-24-04, 06:11 PM
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Old 07-24-04, 10:16 PM
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Too funny!

I'm rolling on the floor. Can't wait until I get my ISP back on monday so I can get off the router and laptop. (worse than being on dialup here).

These are great and I am fowarding this link to everyone I know *lol*.

Have a great one guys!

Kay
 
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Old 07-27-04, 09:54 AM
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Haven't been on in awhile figured I would checkout what was up. POLITICS !
Ok film was really funny so are the jokes, I can't stay up long enough to watch this stuff so I will let you guys keep me up dated. I'm jjust waiting for a canidate that shows some common sense and no I am not holding my breath.
have a good one.
 
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Old 08-03-04, 06:57 AM
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I'm glad to see that we're keeping the humor "fair and balanced". I hope the F-word network doesn't sue me for using their phrase. Oh yeah, that's right they finally admitted a couple of weeks ago that they're anything but.

You're looking for a "common sense" candidate. Well I'm your man. My campaign slogas is, THE JOB NEEDS FRANK, AND FRANK NEEDS THE JOB. If I'm elected my first official act will be to demand a recount. But on a serious side, back in the 70s a guy in my squadron in Germany used to always say that he thought the best choice for politicians would be someone who's already a millionair, like a Kennedy or a Rockefeller. His theory was that they alread have so much money that they're not as likely to steal much, where a working slob like us would be grabbing it up with both hands. Hmmmm, we may have reached that point since both tickets are all multi-millionaires.

On another note someone earlier posted about the nastiness of the campaigns of 100 plus years ago. In a lot of regards the "mainstream press" back then was just as asleep about the issues, and concentrating on the flugg as they are today. A group of us were discussing "Mark Twain" the other day, IMO the greatest author the USA ever produced. Most of us just know Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn from our school days, but Twain was probably the most widely read author worldwide in his day and the pages of essays on morals and current events far outweighed his popular fiction.

Anyway in the discussion I pointed out that in some ways Twain was similar to Michael Moore, although skinny and with just a moustache. Go read some of what he wrote about the president and his cabal. Paraphrasing here, "...they claim that the only way to be a patriot is to constantly shout 'our country right or wrong, anyone who doesn't shout it is a traitor'" and "they say that we are in the war now and must see it through, to withdraw from the field would be a badge of dishonor" Tensions were so high between Twain and president (??Teddy Roosevelt?? I can't remember) that when the were both being granted honorary doctorates at (Harvard or Princeton IIRC) they were on the stage together for a couple of hours and made a point of ignoring each other.

Notice that the paraphrases above could have been lifted from the 60s or the present day. From this comes the aphorism "the more things change the more they stay the same.

enough

Frank
 
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