A little humor

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  #1  
Old 12-18-09, 05:09 AM
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A little humor

I think maybe we've had this up before, but it's worth a repeat:

======================================

Oil Change instructions for Women : >

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. >

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle. >

Money spent: >

Oil Change:

$20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

==========


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1.Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a
case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.>

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
$20, drive home. >

3) Open a beer and drink it. >

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. >

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. >

7) Place drain pan under engine.. >

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench. >

10) Unscrew drain plug. >

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. >

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. >

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. >

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off. >

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Drink a beer.>

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface. >

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. >

19) Remember drain plug from step 11. >

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. >

21) Drink beer. >

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. >

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink
beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with
stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. >

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.

28) Beer. >

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood
flow. >

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. >

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car. >

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail..

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. >

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
 
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  #2  
Old 12-18-09, 07:51 AM
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Wow, most of that is just dead-on. Forgot about driving around to find spot to dump used oil then getting fined for giving up and just pouring it in the storm grate on your street.
 
  #3  
Old 12-18-09, 09:20 AM
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LOL!
Too funny, ha!
 
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Old 12-18-09, 12:50 PM
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This is exactly the reason I stay home and drink a beer while my wife takes my truck for an oil change.
 
  #5  
Old 12-20-09, 08:49 PM
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You are right there is a lot of difference in cost of oil change of car. It usually happen with man while they go for it in weekend.
 
  #6  
Old 12-21-09, 05:14 AM
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Originally Posted by mjd2k View Post
Wow, most of that is just dead-on. Forgot about driving around to find spot to dump used oil then getting fined for giving up and just pouring it in the storm grate on your street.
I did a partial edit, mj; the original included a line about wrapping up the oil filter to hide it in the trash or words to that effect.
 
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Old 12-21-09, 07:24 AM
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Let me give you a real life version of that that happened about two weeks ago to an elderly friend, in her late 80s. Wind caught the back door as she was going between the house and garage. It slammed and some how the knob lock engaged, It's cold out and shes in her pajamas and of course no keys.

Most people in the neighborhood work so no one one near at home. Finally found someone home and she called a locksmith. Locksmith comes out and immediately starts trying to get the hinge pins out. Yes, the door does swing out and no we aren't talking dead bolt just an old knob lock in an old house where there is a quarter inch between jamb and door and the bolt is easily accessible. The alleged locksmith never made an attempt to open the lock, just started on the hinges.

After watching him struggle for over two hours to get the door open by removing the hinge pins this elderly lady gets a screwdriver out of the garage walks around the house, pry up a window and tells him to just go in and unlock the door.

The punch line should be that he charged her $30 but no the real punch line is she is such a nice lady she feels bad he worked so hard and only charged her $30.
 
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Old 12-21-09, 10:26 AM
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My favorite oil change story (since it happened to somebody else) is from a couple of years ago. My late business partner's wife's Trailblazer was due for an oil change. Those of us who were close to the dearly departed try to take care of her as far as automotive things goes. One of us, who is a really good mechanic plus used to drive part time for us and currently working at one of the local parts houses, agreed to stop by the house and take care of it. She already had the oil and filter and there was a drain pan/container in her garage to use. I knew the operation was going on and I was between jobs so I stopped by the house. Ronnie (name changed) is already there and getting all the stuff together. Lots of space under the Blazer so he slides the drain pan/container underneath and pulls the oil drain plug. The funnel built into the side of the pan/container starts to fill up and is apparently not draining into the container itself. The funnel holds maybe a quart and a half or two quarts. He grabs a screwdrvier and pokes frantically (and unsuccessfully) at the center of the funnel trying to unclog it. The funnel finally overflows two or three quarts of oil. Fortunately the lady has a cat and we grab a bag of kitty little and dump it to stop the river of oil heading down the driveway. When it's done draining he carefully slides the container out from under the vehicle and tries to figure out what's up. Some of you have probably got the punch line already, but what he discovers is that the plastic funnel on the indentation of the side of the drain container is only there for storage; the proper use of the beast is to remnove it and screw it on to the threaded opening that's provided. Here's what it looks like: The Plastics Group Drain Pan And Container : W78 - Buy.com.

We still laugh about that. Beer 4U2
 
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Old 12-22-09, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by ray2047 View Post
The alleged locksmith never made an attempt to open the lock, just started on the hinges.

After watching him struggle for over two hours to get the door open by removing the hinge pins this elderly lady gets a screwdriver out of the garage walks around the house, pry up a window and tells him to just go in and unlock the door.

The punch line should be that he charged her $30 but no the real punch line is she is such a nice lady she feels bad he worked so hard and only charged her $30.
Too bad everyone can't be rewarded simply for working, even if the work was fruitless. I think most of us do not want to pay for that which does not yield positive results, in most cases.

Most people do not say of the mechanic that struggled and scuffed his knuckles while replacing all the wrong parts on your car, that they should be paid more because they worked so hard. Huh. Most people would want their money back!
 
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Old 01-20-10, 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ecman51` View Post
Too bad everyone can't be rewarded simply for working, even if the work was fruitless. I think most of us do not want to pay for that which does not yield positive results, in most cases.

So, ecman, look man, you need any work done around the house?
I know a little bit about foundations and ... I'm a real hard worker.
 
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Old 01-28-10, 10:56 PM
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sounds great! haha...
 
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Old 02-01-10, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by mickblock View Post
So, ecman, look man, you need any work done around the house?
I know a little bit about foundations and ... I'm a real hard worker.
Since you mention the fact you are a hard worker -

- That does not necessarily lead to a job. It may if you are seeking a construction work and tell the Super you are willing to push a wheelbarrow of concrete through sand and 90+ degree heat all day, and scale tall buildings, etc.

But say you are a star college football player, who is known to have a superior work ethic. That may not be enough to get you a high draft number(which usually equates to more money, right off the bat, without having to prove your worth, first.). Same applies to professional positions where skill and experience are a prerequisite.
 
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Old 02-01-10, 08:28 PM
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many years ago when I drove a wrecker I got a call from the local lincoln dealer for an unlock, unfortunatly since we were their exclusive wrecker I couldn't charge for the unlock because when I got there I found that the unlock was a running lincoln with the passenger window that was down about an inch and all it took was sticking my slim jim in and hitting the unlock switch onthe door arm rest. I really do think that the salesman was too dumb to think of doing that though.

I adore long walks especially by those who annoy me.
 
  #14  
Old 02-01-10, 09:43 PM
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True oil change story. I used to go to a friends farm to work on vehicles. Drained the oil, dumped it where they wanted nothing to grow. Farmers are into that. Ready to go. Gal friend who lived at farm was hanging with me while I changed the oil waved for me to stop. Four quart (litres) puddle of oil on ground. Forgot to put plug back in. Borrowed her car to drive into town to buy oil. Just lucky she flagged me down.
 
  #15  
Old 02-02-10, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by mjd2k View Post
Wow, most of that is just dead-on. Forgot about driving around to find spot to dump used oil then getting fined for giving up and just pouring it in the storm grate on your street.

Wow.......do people still do that?
In these times there are cameras everywhere, you just dont know who's watching you.
I take my old oil back to where I buy it but back in the day I have taken the old oil for walk in the woods......hint, hint.
Ya know....putting it back in the ground where it came from.
 
  #16  
Old 02-02-10, 05:49 PM
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When Im too busy or its too cold to change the oil myself I allways ask my wife to take her car to Jiffy Lube but she never goes..........so ultimately I still get stuck doing it.
As long as it running, who needs maintenance? (that logic never works for me ???)
 
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