Are you considering having children?
#1
04-29-03, 03:51 PM
Are you considering having children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
#3
04-30-03, 03:25 PM
**Originally posted by fatkid66
You been lookin' in my windows again!!!LOL
**
Ooops....got caught
PART II:
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
You been lookin' in my windows again!!!LOL
**Ooops....got caught
PART II:
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
#4
04-30-03, 03:56 PM
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**Quote:
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.**
This goes for women, too.
Kay
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.**
This goes for women, too.
Kay
#6
05-01-03, 01:14 PM
Very good, Jeff and as a stay-at-home father of a 3 yr old daughter, if you don't mind, I'd like to suggest the following additions;
---
ENDURANCE TEST:
Explain "why they can't" for half an hour while listening to a tape of a saw caught in a bind.
SPIRITUAL TEST:
Six times a day, exclaim; "Why are you naked?". Wonder about divine retribution.
CREATIVITY TEST:
See how many things you can nutritiously sneak into Mac & Cheese over the course of a month.
DIPLOMACY TEST:
Befriend someone with whom you have only one thing in common and then, get together twice a week.
TOLERANCE TEST:
Tie an 18" rope to the goat from the GROCERY STORE TEST and keep the other end tied to your ankle for at least five hours a day, every day while trying to accomplish everything you must do in this timeframe; Occasionally, untie the goat and listen to the aforementioned tape of a saw for at least ten minutes.
---
Kudos Again;
R
---
ENDURANCE TEST:
Explain "why they can't" for half an hour while listening to a tape of a saw caught in a bind.
SPIRITUAL TEST:
Six times a day, exclaim; "Why are you naked?". Wonder about divine retribution.
CREATIVITY TEST:
See how many things you can nutritiously sneak into Mac & Cheese over the course of a month.
DIPLOMACY TEST:
Befriend someone with whom you have only one thing in common and then, get together twice a week.
TOLERANCE TEST:
Tie an 18" rope to the goat from the GROCERY STORE TEST and keep the other end tied to your ankle for at least five hours a day, every day while trying to accomplish everything you must do in this timeframe; Occasionally, untie the goat and listen to the aforementioned tape of a saw for at least ten minutes.
---
Kudos Again;
R
Last edited by magister; 05-01-03 at 01:38 PM.
#8
05-02-03, 06:23 AM
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Hey guys,
you forgot the Pouring Proficiency Test. you know, the one where you take a cup and one at a time pour every liquid in the fridge that would be drinkable by a kid into the cup and then either drink it yourself or dump it down the sink, being careful to wash, rinse and dry the cup between pours, ending up with the first thing you poured. i believe for extra credit the goat can again be tied to your leg while the tape of the saw is being played!!!! 
you forgot the Pouring Proficiency Test. you know, the one where you take a cup and one at a time pour every liquid in the fridge that would be drinkable by a kid into the cup and then either drink it yourself or dump it down the sink, being careful to wash, rinse and dry the cup between pours, ending up with the first thing you poured. i believe for extra credit the goat can again be tied to your leg while the tape of the saw is being played!!!!
#9
05-02-03, 07:01 AM
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An addition to the test above is to also pour at least 1/4 of every other glass on to the counter top. You can use less if red koolaid, the effect is the same.
In preparing for those pre-adult stages (ages 10-26) use every cooking utensil in the house while preparing a small meal or heating a can of soup. Minimum requirement: at least two cookie sheets, 2 mixing bowls, every spatula, at least half of the count of spoons, knives, and forks that you own. Also half of the plates and bowls. Scatter them non-stragetically throughout the kitchen - and while you're at it put a few of those same items in a bedroom, bathroom and/or family room. A thorough testing also requires that the microwave be cleaned afterwards, in addition to any pots/pans used on the stove.
Kay
In preparing for those pre-adult stages (ages 10-26
) use every cooking utensil in the house while preparing a small meal or heating a can of soup. Minimum requirement: at least two cookie sheets, 2 mixing bowls, every spatula, at least half of the count of spoons, knives, and forks that you own. Also half of the plates and bowls. Scatter them non-stragetically throughout the kitchen - and while you're at it put a few of those same items in a bedroom, bathroom and/or family room. A thorough testing also requires that the microwave be cleaned afterwards, in addition to any pots/pans used on the stove.Kay
#12
05-02-03, 03:45 PM
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sorta took care of that by putting a shower in where we had a closet. now we have 2 baths!!!!
Im still not sure what to do about the car, tv remote, telephone.....
guess ill have to stay tuned!!
Im still not sure what to do about the car, tv remote, telephone.....
guess ill have to stay tuned!!
#15
05-02-03, 08:45 PM
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My two girls are 12 and 15. Some days I don't know what I'd do without them, others, well...
I don't think it would be so bad if I didn't try to repopulate the earth on my own. I have 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. The oldest boy turns 19 Saturday (tomorrow). The youngest boy is 10. Too many!
Kay
I don't think it would be so bad if I didn't try to repopulate the earth on my own. I have 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. The oldest boy turns 19 Saturday (tomorrow). The youngest boy is 10. Too many!
Kay
#16
05-03-03, 05:15 AM
I think that the best part is after they are grown. When you are raising them, you a responsible for them and hope everything turns out fine. Once they are grown, you can just be friends. That is the part that I am enjoying now.
#17
05-03-03, 05:49 AM
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Looks like Ive still got a long way to go!!!
Im still not sure whos learning more, me or them!!!
we decided 2 was the way to go. would love to have a whole bunch, but time is a factor now with just 2, Kay i dont know how you do it w/ 4 (even tho your oldest is on his own), with mike working away and all. It gets toooo busy here even tho i work close to home (10min) and go home every night!!! I swear i dont how the wife does it with me working OT and all. some nights when iots just me and them its rough just getting them into PJs and bed. I swear at times they are like little Jonnie Cochrans. they can argue and defend anything.
if id have known that i woulda gone to law school B4 having kids!!!
Im still not sure whos learning more, me or them!!!
we decided 2 was the way to go. would love to have a whole bunch, but time is a factor now with just 2, Kay i dont know how you do it w/ 4 (even tho your oldest is on his own), with mike working away and all. It gets toooo busy here even tho i work close to home (10min) and go home every night!!! I swear i dont how the wife does it with me working OT and all. some nights when iots just me and them its rough just getting them into PJs and bed. I swear at times they are like little Jonnie Cochrans. they can argue and defend anything.
if id have known that i woulda gone to law school B4 having kids!!!
#18
05-03-03, 06:22 AM
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Things have gotten a lot easier since they have gotten older. Now I hear 'mom can I have some of this' instead of 'mom can you fix me some of this'.
I kept my niece last night. She's not quite two yet. Hmmm. I don't know how my SIL does it! She's a wonderful child, doesn't get into anything and if she's not suppose to be in something just tell her no. Just can outrun me, outlaugh me, out explore....
You're right about the being friends part. Its so much easier with the oldest today. He hits and runs (visits when he needs food, money, etc) then is off. He is a good kid though, so I try not to worry too much.
kid66, some days I don't know how I do it either. There are days where I want to run away from home. Some days I do better than others. Some days I look at my kids and wonder where I went wrong, start feeling like a failure and then...a neighbor will come over and tell me Im doing a good job (value these opinions, they've raised theirs and are playing with the grandchildren now).
My house will never be 100% clean or straightened. I don't always remember to make the 10yo boy bathe every night - thank goodness for talcum powder. Some mornings they have to remind me that they need lunch money, etc. but all in all its good. When Mike is out of town the kids kick into a different mode. Very helpful, sometimes overly helpful which causes them to fight amongst themselves ("you're not the boss of me" deal).
I also take a vacation (3 nights) once a year. Away from husband and children. This has been a feat to manage sometimes since my mom could not watch all four when they were younger. Sometimes it even works out well and the respective fathers of the kids will take their kids while I'm gone. Now the kids are old enough to stay here if Mike's not out of town. My SIL lives 4 houses up so she keeps and eye on the house, etc.
Oops, novelette going here LOL.
Kay
Ps. If you're wondering, I've been married 3 times. Mike and I just celebrated our 4th year. The oldest two kids are from one marriage, the youngest two from the second. Mike didn't want babies, but a family.
Worked out nicely, and still is today.
K.
I kept my niece last night. She's not quite two yet. Hmmm. I don't know how my SIL does it! She's a wonderful child, doesn't get into anything and if she's not suppose to be in something just tell her no. Just can outrun me, outlaugh me, out explore....
You're right about the being friends part. Its so much easier with the oldest today. He hits and runs (visits when he needs food, money, etc) then is off. He is a good kid though, so I try not to worry too much.
kid66, some days I don't know how I do it either. There are days where I want to run away from home. Some days I do better than others. Some days I look at my kids and wonder where I went wrong, start feeling like a failure and then...a neighbor will come over and tell me Im doing a good job (value these opinions, they've raised theirs and are playing with the grandchildren now).
My house will never be 100% clean or straightened. I don't always remember to make the 10yo boy bathe every night - thank goodness for talcum powder. Some mornings they have to remind me that they need lunch money, etc. but all in all its good. When Mike is out of town the kids kick into a different mode. Very helpful, sometimes overly helpful which causes them to fight amongst themselves ("you're not the boss of me" deal).
I also take a vacation (3 nights) once a year. Away from husband and children. This has been a feat to manage sometimes since my mom could not watch all four when they were younger. Sometimes it even works out well and the respective fathers of the kids will take their kids while I'm gone. Now the kids are old enough to stay here if Mike's not out of town. My SIL lives 4 houses up so she keeps and eye on the house, etc.
Oops, novelette going here LOL.
Kay
Ps. If you're wondering, I've been married 3 times. Mike and I just celebrated our 4th year. The oldest two kids are from one marriage, the youngest two from the second. Mike didn't want babies, but a family.
Worked out nicely, and still is today.
K.
#20
05-03-03, 07:01 AM
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I will tell him Jeff, and thanks. He starts his new job today, too. Lee is so excited, he is now working as a mechanic. Did all the training earlier this week and passed all the tests with flying colors. He's such a smart boy when it comes to working on cars. I think its just in his nature.
He also just purchased a car. He still owes the boy $300, but gets to drive it anyway. That helps me since I don't have to be without my car. For his birthday he wants money. Oh, like that is a shocker LOL. This car uses more gas than my truck on a good 'mud run'. Thank goodness he's working down the street instead of in Memphis or he'd learn quickly that he would be working for gas money instead of other things, too.
Kay
He also just purchased a car. He still owes the boy $300, but gets to drive it anyway. That helps me since I don't have to be without my car. For his birthday he wants money. Oh, like that is a shocker LOL. This car uses more gas than my truck on a good 'mud run'. Thank goodness he's working down the street instead of in Memphis or he'd learn quickly that he would be working for gas money instead of other things, too.
Kay
