I recently saw an episode of Jenny Jones with "Out of control Pre-Teens". The yougest of which was 7. It was very shocking and got me thinking.

I have a 3 year old daughter, and a 2 year old son. My daughter is very independent, and always wants her way. When she does not get it, she is very mouthy and tends to repeat what my wife and I tell her. Thing such as "Did you hear what I said?", or "I said to do it!"

We ask her to pick up her toys that she just plays with in the living room and then leaves there for us to pick up. She flat out refuses to do so, and goes to do something else. We have tried telling her to do it both in a nice way, as well as a direct authoritative way, plus after a few atempts also threatening with a spanking or to put her in her room. We have carried out the room time out many times however it does not seem to work.

Now I know she is only 3, but I don't want to use that as excuse, and I would like to curb any "Out of Control" behavior she may be heading toward now.

Any ideas?

 

I always found simple cause & effect to work very well. Don't pick up your toys when we ask you to? Fine, you lose the toys (find an inaccessible place to put them temporarily; sooner or later you'll confiscate something of real importance and/or the child will simply run out of toys).
Like to slam your bedroom door when you get mad? Fine, you lose your door (actually did this with my daughter when she was about 7 or 8 (now 14); took the door off the hinges and put it in the garage). She took the hint and got her door back; never slammed another one. Parents have all KINDS of leverage they don't realize they have if they use the right incentives. I rarely repeated myself if I was sure she heard me the first time; the consequences of ignoring me or smarting back were immediate - loss of TV privileges, early bedtime, or some other attention-getting effect.
I've heard of people who had to take drastic action to curb out-of-control behavior that included removing everything from the childs room and putting it away except the bed, so that "time-out" in the bedroom was not "play-time away from the parent who thinks thy're my boss". Fortunately never had to resort to those tactics, daughter was a fast learner and is now a model teenager; does what she's told, never mouths off, never in trouble.

The phrase, "Well, I guess maybe we'll stay home tonight instead of going out to McDonald's (or the movies or whatever)" can be very handy, but you can't use it as incentive, i.e. if there is bad behavior and you use that tactic, you can't back down when the child says, "okay, I'll do what you say, now let's go to McDonald's". The response would be, "no, you've already blown it for today, maybe next time we decide we might go out your behavior will be better and we can". You also can't say, "If you __________________ (fill in the task) we'll go to McDonald's". That's not parenting, it's bribery.

Good luck.

 

This may sound odd, but I've taught my daughter how to argue.
Not whine or be mouthy. Just the correct way to make her opinons be heard.
Rule one, no yelling.
Rule two, no repeating yourself.
Rule three, wait.........there is no rule three LOL!
She got all that by the time she was about 4.
She knows as soon as either rule is broken, discussion over!
She's 10 and pretty good at pleading her case.
I also have learned to pick my fights. If she want's to wear her clothes to bed, what do I care? That's less laundry for me to wash LOL!
So far I get the respect I give her. I show people respect and she sees me doing that and follows suit. I consider her feelings when making a decision about her and I usually include her in the decision making.
Things don't always go her way, and she knows life sometimes isn't fair.
Remember be consistant and be reasonable.
Notice I didn't say be fair, what's fair to you doesn't feel fair to your kids

 

If you don't want to hear what you say spoken back to you by a toddler, don't say it. With my daughter, I decided I would never use the word 'no' because I had heard too many toddlers say 'no.' It worked like a charm. But, when I had my son, my daughter said 'no' to him, so I heard 'no' frequently.

How we parent should be age appropriate. Expecting a 3-year-old to pick up toys on command may be expecting too much. Leading by example works better, until the child is in the habit of picking up toys and understanding your requests. When it is time to pick up toys, lead by example and say, "It's time to pick up toys." The two of you can do this together. You can also make a game of it. Who can put the most toys in the toy basket? Who can pick them up the fastest? Make the chore fun and it will tend to become a fun habit.

When children are old enough to fully understand and that you know they understand, then you can use the technique of the "If you, then you" and the "When you, then you" statements. "It's time for you to pick up toys." No response. 2nd request, "If you pick up your toys, then it will make me a happy mommy." No response. "If you do not pick up your toys and mommy has to do it, then you will lose your toys." You do not want to get into the bribery game. "If you pick up your toys, then you will get ..... as a prize." They will expect to be paid for anything they do the rest of their life. The toys that remain on the floor can be put in a shopping bag and placed on the closet shelf. 3 years old . . . 3 days. Explain to the child. "When you did not pick up your toys, then you made me have to put the toys in time out. When you learn to pick up your toys, then your toys will not have to go to time out anymore." Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

If the child does well at picking up toys with you, praise the child highly. "I love you. You are such a good girl. I love it when you pick up your toys. You are mommy's best little helper." The special attention for a job well done is called positive reinforcement. It's a lot of attention. Kids love attention.

If the child does not jump at your command to pick up toys, and you say, "Did you hear what I said?" "I said to do it." The tone of voice is easily recognized by a child. Commands will not work with 3 year olds. They must be led by example and praised for good behavior. Remember, kids love attention. They will take it anyway they can get it. Positive reinforcement results in good behavior. Negative reinforcement for bad behavior results in more bad behavior. They quickly figure out that attention is attention whether good or bad. Kids can be quite manipulative. They quickly learn what buttons to push to get you to raise your voice, scream and yell. That's a lot of attention. Wow!

Consistency is the key when parenting toddlers. Everything has to be routine. Play with toys, pick them up. Doing so with them, establishes the routine until they can do so on their own. It will work with anything you are trying to accomplish. Potty training: "It's time to pee pee potty. ... Good girl! It's time to wipe! Gooood girl! Now, flush!! Let's pull up our pants. You are such a good girl. Now, let's wash our hands. You are getting to such a grown up girl. Mommy loves her special girl." Same steps every time. Establish a routine and be consistent and use lots of praise.

Yes, toddlers display a lot of negative behaviors. Many of which they do not know are inappropriate. Learning to ignore a lot of toddler behaviors is the key. And, of course, always model appropriate behavior and use only language in front of them they you would not mind if they repeated at church. Simply ignore inappropriate behavior, as long as it is not dangerous. Praise the good behaviors. Negative reinforcement of bad behavior results in more bad behavior.

When it comes to dangerous behavior, it is your responsibility to protect your child. For example, your children is playing with electrical cords. It is best simply to distract them. At 3 years old, you can scoop them up and say, "Let's look out the window to see what we can see." An older child can understand a discussion about the dangers of electricity, not a toddler. Screaming and going off the deep end is negative reinforcement. "Wow, I got a lot of attention when I got near those electrical cords. What's the big deal with them? Hmm...I've got to check those out again."

Time out has been found to be an effective technique for discipling 3 year olds. It begins the training of making a child responsible for its own behavior. Time out should be done in a safe place. It should not be in the bed or bed room. The bedroom is often a fun room where there are toys, TVs, and other fun stuff. A little chair or stool placed somewhere you can keep an eye on the toddler is best. Sometimes the child goes to time out, and sometimes whatever is causing the problem has to go to time out, whether toys as a toddler, a bedroom door for a door slammer, or the car keys for a teen.

3 years old = 3 minutes. Explain why the child has to have time out. "When you did not put your paper cup in the trash can like mommy ask you and you chose to throw it on the floor, then you made mommy have to make the decision to put you in time out. You must sit in your time out chair for 3 minutes. (A kitchen timer is helpful.) 3 minutes later, "It would make mommy very happy if you now pick up the paper cup and put it in the trash." No response. "It looks like if you do not pick up the cup, then you going to have to go back to time out." No response. Back to time out. You say, "If you think you can make up your mind to pick up the paper cup and put it in the trash, then you are out of time out. No response. Let the child sit the full 3 minutes. Usually, by this time the kid has figured out that you mean business and will pick up the cup. Giving the child an opportunity to make the decision to come out of time out on her own, gives the child responsibility for its behavior. When the child has picked up the cup, praise her. "Thank you. It is very important that we put our trash in the trash can. You are such a good helper girl. Mommy's best little helper."

In summary, remember to display appropriate language and behavior in front of toddlers because toddlers model their behavior after parents. Ignore negative behavior and avoid negative reinforcement. Use lots of positive reinforcement and praise. Distract toddlers from danger. Parents should agree in private (never discuss parenting issues in front of children) what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Parents should always present a united front because kids quickly learn how to play one parent against another and get them into heated discussions. It takes the focus off the kid when the parents are focusing on each other and the kid is getting double attention. Little geniuses!

And, remember consistency is the key! Say what you mean, and mean what you say. And, remember toddlers are tricky business. What they learn sets the foundation of their behavior for the rest of their lives. We lead our children by example and train them to be responsible for their own behavior, so they will hopefully grow up to happy, successful, responsible adults and hopefully surround themselves with the same type of people.

 

if toys arent picked up simply throw it away.sure you will lose a couple of buck's but that catch on real quick and bargaining with mcdonalds and walmarts is for the birds though being fair and consistent you have to show them who the boss is and take control over the situation.take cartoons away and candy and if u tell them them your not watching toons if u dont do this then stick to it and yes u will hear aloy of crying but in 2 weeks you will be the supreme commander again.

 

The goal of parenting is to train child to be responsible for their own behavior through natural consequences. If this is done effectively during the 'time out' years, you will not have to use tough love techniques later on. It is not about teaching them about 'supreme commanders.' My dad did that and he produced 3 sons who were supreme rebels and went on to motor cycle gangs, drugs, alcohol, and physical violence. Tough love techniques tend to be more effective with older children. Remember, parenting techniques and discipline must be age appropriate. Remember, "If you-then you" and "When you-then you" statements. There are many good books and lots of good info online about parenting of children at different ages and stages of development.

 

well, considering i've hadf 3 wonderfull kid's and am the product of a military based family i might be a little over-bearing i have only had to spank "a real spanking"one of my kids 1 time and they are happy and do well > it was just my personal opinion however what they person can do who posted this subject originally can do is take all she has read in here and decipher what she/he feels is the good and the bad..."best of Luck"

 

I generally think of myself as a pretty easy going parent, but sassing is the one thing that is guaranteed to get you punished in my house. Personally, I would punish my kids for talking to me like that, and the punishment would be pretty severe.

 

I have found that being consistent is the key. It doesn't matter if you are 'militant' or choose time-outs and rewards for good behavior. Consistency is the key.

At 3, you might be able to play the Busy Bee game. It worked well with my kids when they were that age. You 'buzz' around as you pick up toys and do it as quicky as possible. At first you will Busy Bee with them, but soon (hopefully) you will hear buzzing as they clean up themselves.

I have two storage spots for my kids - garbage can and a storage box. If I find some of their things in the floor, on the kitchen table, etc that I've asked them to pick up and put away already, then I have to choices - safe in a box in my room or throw it away. I've thrown many things away this way, but some of the more expensive, nicer things I put away for them when they are old enough to be responsible for it. I also make it a point to not repurchase something I've thrown away, or any product similar to it.

Kay

Ps. Please don't watch shows like that! Especially, don't watch them with your children around. They are so dramatic in everything they show. At one time Jenny, Maury, and others were good shows to watch but now its all about ratings, and drama. Allowing children to watch those type shows is the equivelant of letting a young person watch an x-rated movie.

K.

 

I agree with you amiejh77 there ae two things that will get swift and severe punishment in our house.. sassing as you put it and telling a lie.

 

Does the kid like the taste of soap? I only had it once, after that I learned to keep my mouth sut and not whine like a NY Yankee debating a strike call.

 

Hirsch,

Honest to goodness, soap didn't affect my 10yo after the first few go rounds. The other 3 learned quickly that soap didn't taste good and they didn't want it in their mouths. This works well up until they're about 6 or 7 years old. Irish Spring is one of the worst tasting, however Ivory soap is softer and has a longer lasting affect without making them physically sick. It seems to coat their mouths more than the others, which can be spit out, easier when the bar removed.

I can't enforce things that way now, I just send them to their rooms and this gives us both time to settle down. Punishments are given out after a calming down period.

Kay

 

My 3 year old is the same way, and I'm learning to enjoy his assertiveness, I can be well assured that as long as I direct him on the right path that his assertiveness will get him to the top of the corperate world. When I say Pick your Toys up and he tells me "No, I'm busy right now" My response is you have five minutes to get done and get to picking your toys up and then I'm setting the timer. He knows what that means and I rarely have to set the timer. I usually set his for 15 minutes (he only has about 5 min worth to pick up) and when the timer goes off my husband and I swoop in and grab all the toys left and put them up high but on display(this is a reminder), then when he exhibits proper behavior he can "earn" his toys back, when he "earns" his toys back he is reminded of why he lost it. If he gets done BEFORE the timer goes off he comes and tells me he is done and we together inspect the room and praise his acomplishments and point out anything that was missed (this is a free area, no timer involved because he believes he did his best and this is where he is helped with improving himself). He is very happy with himself afterwards.

We also have made a gameboard (out of posterboard And made a game piece out of a picture posted to index card cut out with a paperclip on the back, each gameboard square has a slit in it) You can have multiple children at a time also. Anyways for good behavior they go forward and for unappropriate behavior they go backwards. If He reaches finish he gets a reward if he backs up as far as start he gets a not so pleasent chore (my son has to stack up a small wood pile).

He also has a chore list, and if he doesn't do the chore he has to pay me with his toys and earn them back later.

Back talking loses him toys and spaces on the board.

Don't know if that helps any but it sure helped me, the more small tasks given the better along with games like UNO and bedtime routines. UNO is a favorite the whole family can play.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Spend a Saturday afternoon packing their bags and toys, then tell them they must not love you or like living with you so you have decided to send them away to another mommy and daddy who they may like.

 

I don't think the threat of sending the child away is a good idea unless you're dealing with behavior that actually warrants such a thing.

 

My mom used to do that if I really pissed her off she'd pack me a suitcase hand me the phone and tell me I can go live with my aunt she'll even dial the number for me (we never got that far) She also used this solution if I said I was going to run away. She said " Here I'll help you pack, and I want you to be safe so tell me where your going and I'll arrange for them to come get you or for me to take you there." (we never got that far either) I discovered that my mother did not NEED me to survive, and I think that as long as that method is displayed lovingly and in a way that does not reject the child that it is a healthy lesson to be learned. My mother never sounded threatening, always a little saddened and dissapointed. I think there's a lot in how you convey it to the child, and how far you take it, if the child at anytime decides that maybe it would be good to continue living at home, it is time to discuss the behavior at hand while unpacking. At the age of 5 I knew I couldn't push my mother around because I didn't have any doubts that she would send me to my aunts house, nor did I ever push her far enough to carry it out. And technickly what works for one child doesn't always waork for another but all you can do is try and adjust to the individual child and ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH, so make sure the result is something you can live with (not like a permanent living arrangement but maybe a couple night stay to give you both a break)

 

A few things I learned about raising children.

You can't discipline a child without first training them. They have to know what is expected and it has to be age appropriate.
Just like training a puppy, early discipline is a must
Just like training a puppy, there's no need for yelling, screaming or hitting.
No two kids respond the same.
Boys are different than girls.
Yelling at a kid is unncessary and probably makes things worse.
Bad behavior needs to be dealt with immediately, no matter what age the child is.
Never lose your temper with a child.
Your kid is not your friend.
You are not your kid's friend.
Be creative with discipline
Never make a threat ("I"m going to throw away your toys") unless you are prepared to carry it out


Threatening to send the kid away to another mommy is cruel.

 

I think Mr. Mitchell has offered excellent advice here.

 

How about a good old fashion a$$ whipping?

 

I don't endorse spanking, but my objection is not a moral one, I just don't believe it works - I was spanked a lot as a child and I don't remember ever seeing a need to change my behavior.

 

I have no problem with spanking as a form of discipline as long as the adult knows the difference between spanking and beating a child. I just think that it isn't a very effective method and I never used it.

IMO corporal punishment has it's place as a behavior modifer in very small children. A mild slap on the back of a hand or a smack on a diapered butt along with a stern "no!" goes further than trying to explain to a 2 year old that it's not a good idea to chew on a power cord (or any one of the hundred or so other dangerous situations a 2 yo can get in).

 

I'll slap my daughter's hand or rap my dog's head with a knuckle to get their attention, but punishment is different.

 

For me, the toughest moments in parenting come with the awareness that everything my son says, is repetition. Repeating what I've said, or blending things he's heard. It's a kind of déjà vu. Usually things those speakers thought reasonable at the time but, somehow, intolerable coming from the child.

Then I see my disrespect, and know my son absorbs it more than he reflects it. Kids are indiscriminate self-builders.

But sometimes I step back and think, "Wow, this guy totally pwns what I was like at his age"

and why

and these are some of the best moments in parenting.

 

The tow guy had some great idea's, wayne mitchell --dead on right!! I can not stand that time out stuff, or parents who do the count to three thing. I gave a mild spank on the bum with my son (he's 4 she is 2) a couple of years ago maybe once with diaper on (i am pretty sure I felt worse than he did) and haven't had to say anything more than "last chance" as a second warning since.
Now, spanking was pretty popular when we were kids, my mother said "only on the butt and never anyplace else-hands are ok" but, I think that it MAJORLY depends on the child and their age, I am not a fan of spanking, but one thing that I always told my wife was NEVER ask them to do anything with a Question in your voice,,,meaning ,,,Daddy would like you to...sounding in your voice like you are not sure he or she will not do what you have asked. I say "pick up you're toys" that is it, or I want you to,,, they will do it because they know I am confident that they will do this, then you can add a thank you or after it is accomplished you say "great job- I knew you could do it, it looks great!! You definately need to know where the line is drawn, Yes you can be fun and silly, but overall what you expect and ask is not open for discussion.
I was in the service and was amazed at bootcamp how ONE man could take so many different nationalitys, backgrounds, rich kids, poor, smart, less smart etc etc and make them all well oiled, disciplined, team players without losing control or smackin anyone. They didnt ask,,,they ordered and we knew by the way they said it, this was not negotiable and yet;;; we really liked them, they were tough but fair. I dont take it to that extreme but, I can be tough but fair and my kids love me to death, they don't ever give me a hard time, my wife on the flip side gets less respect and backtalk and need me to intervein, she didnt listen when I said "no question sound in your voice when you ask them or demand them to do something. Sounds severe,, not at all. My mother used to say that kids feel safe when parents are strict or they know their limits(she had 4 great kids, all done well)
Also, suggested before by towguy was EXactly what momma used to say.."dont have to hit, just find out what they like, and take it away!!!! But, with this you have to have their respect, cause they will fight you on it otherwise. I have taken some stuff away, no major big deal.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING---is if you make a threat(to take away or whatever) DO NOT MAKE IT IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO CARRY IT OUT EXACTLY AS YOU HAVE LAID IT OUT!! I have stressed this on purpose because THIS above all only has to happen ONCE I will repeat ONCE,,and you will automatically lose their respect and now will be walked all over and out in public will be trounced on!!! I think maybe the throwing things away is a bit extreme but, may be an attention getter. An a$$whipping is do-able but, if you are trying to teach them to be a good person and not to be violent, then it sends the opposite message, thats why it may be an option once when they are young and hopefully learn not to challenge you again. In later years as I was spanked, it becomes harder on the parents hand then on your backside and you end up laughing when they wince from hurting their hand and then they get madder--voice of experience talking. The other thing about spanking is after they are young it is easier on them and less effective because it is quick and easy then over....at this point I believe they should be well adjusted to the point that you dont need to take something away, you have their respect as well as someone who will comfort and bend an ear anytime they need it. But, again it depends on the disposition of the child and girls can sometimes be a bit more tricky, my daughter is like me, strong willed and doesnt take no for an answer, never shows weakness, looks that kill and probably will (sing the song) sometimes you can use a funny way to get them to aquiess to your suggestion,,,my son used to buck me on getting out of the tub, so I grabbed the shower handle and told him I would turn it and freezing cold water would come out, this became an instant hit, he would always say he wasnt getting out, but the second I would go near the handle,,,he was "abandoning" the ship like it was on fire!!! His sister takes a tub with him has seen this and has decided he must know something she doesnt and hauls it out too like he does. You would think someone threw a hand grenade in the tub, its become a very effective tool as well as a run in joke--this is just another way of getting what you want without being a total jerk or harda$$.
One final point that has been mentioned is consistancy,,majorly important!!! and start all this early and you will have it much easier and will not have to keep putting your child in the timeout chair or count to 3 or 5 or whatever,,, you say do it and it gets done and then make it a point to have some fun and they will learn how life works,, do what you gotta and then you can do what you wanna!! Best of luck to you all and like RED GREEN used to say"keep your stick on the ice--we're all in this one together, but, if all else fails use the handymans secret weopon--duct tape! lol have fun

 

hi fjclaus,

i saw your quote.i can understand your situation but we can't force her(kid).just try out the two ways and see whether it works out or not. kids are usually frightened by insects like lizard or spider , try to threaten her with artificial insect and get the work done from her, and tell her good morale having story. and the other one is you r having a son too. so infront of your elder daughter (act)love your son more get the work done from him and give him the reward.and tell daughter that she will also treated same if she does it. but please mind it, don't ever make difference in love for both of your kids.

Thank you
Dilip.