what can i do? he argues about everything. with him, everyday is "opposite day"
anyone have any good advise?

thanks

 

Remember the 'terrible twos' when your child began to realize that he was no longer an extension of you and that he was a separate individual. He was a testy and tempermental wee thing. Well, as children emerge into those pre-teen years they once again stretch their individuality as independent little people. They teeter on the border of childhood and adulthood and become increasingly self-conscious. And, oh no, the opinions of peers tend to be more important than yours.

Arguing accomplishes nothing. Someone once said that it takes two fools to argue. Never take the bait! Simply don't argue. When you detect that your child is setting you up for argument, diffuse the situation quickly. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Follow through. Do this by stating your position, repeating it (if necessary), then disengaging yourself from the discussion. By doing this, you let your child know that your mind is made up and no amount of whining will change it.

Learn to avoid the bait. "That's not fair!" says the child. Do not respond. We know life is not fair. No amount of explaining or arguing will get that message through to a 10-year-old. Do not take the bait of an argument. If you do not respond, there is no argument. It simply remains that the child has 'whined' about not being allowed to do what he wants to do.

If it concerns a matter of personal safety, then respond, "I simply can not allow you to be in the park after dark (hang out on the corner, go cruising with a 16-year-old who just got his driver's license, whatever) because I love you and I am concerned about your personal safety. Say no more and respond no more. Learn to pick and choose your 'arguments.' Those that concern personal safety are of the utmost. Always explain why. There are others, of course!

Your mother and I insist that you go to room now (even though it is Saturday night and the child wants to watch TV in the familyroom at 11:00 p.m.) because we need some quality time alone to discuss next week's agenda, vacation plans, car repair plans, whatever. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Carry through. Household chores!?! "If you do ----(i.e., clean your room), then you ----(i.e., stay up until midnight Saturday night.)"

Children are famous for complaining of being bored. You make suggestions. They whine and argue about whatever you suggest as being boring. Always respond with options, "Well, you can shoot hoops on the driveway or you can clean out the garage. You can clean your room or help me clean out the garage. You can do the dishes or help me rake the yard." Always try to incorporate some responsbility and work ethic in options. Anything that involves work will tend to result in children not complaining of being bored.

If siblings are involved, there tends to be no limit to arguments. Don't take the bait. Don't get involved. "Work it out between yourselves. If I have to get involved, you won't like what I decide. Always set it up so that both (all) children lose the argument. They soon learn how far they can push each other and you.

The best one is always, "I hate you." Never take this personally. We live in a country where there is freedom of speech. Our children learn this at home and school. Then, in a moment of angst, heat, rage, frustration, they yell, "I hate you!" Learn how to turn your face into a half-smile/half-smirk. No matter how it hurts. Act indifferent. You don't want them to feel what they said was dangerous and what they said would ever jeopardize your love and secure attachment. Don't feel threatened by this and never leak a clue even if you do. Such behavior is part of childhood. Please don't feel threatened. Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you still need to do what I asked."

Always remain calm. Never let the little child psychologist know that he can push your buttons. Take a deep breath. Count to 100, 200 .... 1,000 if necessary. Don't let a little person with whom you are madly in love unnerve you and undermine your self-confidence as a parent. Avoid all verbal and physical responses.

Remember the 'time outs' we gave our children when they were younger. Sometimes, we adults need them as they get older. Look at your watch. Say, "Excuse me. I have a few pressing things to do (a phone call, got to run to the pharmacy, got to run next door and check on Susie Q), we shall continue this discussion in approximately 1 hour. Clear out. Regroup. Always remain calm, cool, collected. The key is to be a supportive, loving parent to a little person who is constantly testing the limits and will argue every time you make a move. Stand firm. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Carry through. Remain calm.

Sometimes an issue will come up and you do not respond at all. A couple days later while everything is neutral and all is happy and calm, you might say, "Remember the other day when you asked me about -----, well, I just wanted to let you know that the reason(s) I said what I did (or why I did not let you do what you wanted) was because when I was a kid I remember there was a situation ---(i.e., where one of my classmates was joy riding with some older boys, the driver was 16 and it was his first time out in his father's car after dark, he crashed and killed himself and another boy, both my best friends.) I just want you to understand where I am coming from. The point is, it is sometimes best to give yourself and the child a time out and raise the issue again to drive your point home with clarification that tends to develop trust. Once a child knows where you are coming from and why you feel the way you do, you have reached a level of reasoning, which is important training for teens and young adulthood.

"Every day an opposite day?" This realization puts you ahead of the game of most parents of this age group. Now that you know what you are up against, simply don't play the opposite game. You get up out of bed in the morning and stumble to the kitchen sink and put on the coffee and set out the juice, cereal, milk, and bagels. You are cheerful and you begin to sing, "Oh, it's a beautiful morning!" A little voice starts complaining and whining and arguing how the day sucks. He has to go to school and put up with Mrs. Hardheart, etc. Absolutely, do not respond! Don't take the bait. Get the day(s) off on the right foot.

 

I thought the reply by twelvepole was great.

As reinforcement, I really recommend this book. I got it from the library. There is also a web site. I find that a lot of ideas in the book are things that I have thought about, but hearing it from someone who obviously knows what they are talking about really drives it home!

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy by Dr. Michael J. Bradley


http://www.yesyourteeniscrazy.com/html/my_book.html

 

If it were me I would take him over my knee and spank his little white butt.

 

Sorry, but spanking is not an appropriate parental behavior. I was beaten as a child and so were my siblings. Spanking makes a kid even more defiant. Spanking teaches nothing but defiance and violence.

 

How about making HIS opposite....your opposite.

You are "having a bad day"....what is his response?

You are tired of making dinner (I don't know) so you're NOT gonna make it.....what is his response?

You're tired of doing everyone's laundry.......yep....what is his response.

MAYBE....just MAYBE......he wants to be involved and you have told him "no" in some weird way and this is his way of coping. get it back!



I don't want to do laundry be myself......can you give me a hand little Timmy?

YES.....Oh thanks....I could use your help. Man oh man...you're good at this!

OR

NO.......I don't want to do it either (then hide his clothes)

 

Sorry, but this is not necessarily true. There is NOTHING wrong with spanking a child with a discipline problem. I was spanked. Ever other kid my age I know of was spanked, and so were generations of children before us. I spank my son when he's beyond other disciplines. When combined with other techniques of positive reinforcement, it is as effective as anything else. Ths is Psychology 101.

Beating is another story, but I'm sick of people saying spanking is bad. This politically correct garbage has got to go.

I see a kid with a black eye that Daddy gave him, and that Daddy will answer to my boot. Period. But when I see a kid being bad, and a father turning him over and giving him a whack, I applaud him.

Chris

PS. Why is vB code turned off in this forum? It makes it look unprofessional.