Divorce

 

  #1  
Old 02-14-05, 01:30 PM
teaux
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Divorce

In a nutshell~ my husband has suddenly notified me that he is leaving me. We have three children; ages, 7, 11 & 14. According to him he has wanted this since shortly after getting married. I have had NO CLUE!!!!!! Of course, our marriage is not perfect; I know I could make changes just as he could too.
We are of a very traditional Christian faith so this goes against all the church teaches. AND NO! there does not seem to be another woman. He states that he just cannot stand the thought of having me to come home to every night for the rest of his life. OUCH, but still, if he would see this the way I do then we could work on rebuilding what we have, he is adamantly against that at this point.
Here is what I need: I want an easy to say one-liner that lets people know that this is not my choosing; that it is his idea to end the marriage. I do not want to be catty; I do have children to protect. I could simply say, "he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and although I don't agree with him, I can't stop him from divorcing me. I do not want it to put me in a bad light. I know, I know, I have some responsibility in this but a divorce is just too drastic given our situation and who we are.
Well, am I on the right track with my statement? Does it make me sound like I am an awful person to live with? (I really am not!)
 
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  #2  
Old 02-14-05, 01:38 PM
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I guess he thought the grass was greener on the other side, he just has to remember, he STILL has to cut it. Good luck.
 
  #3  
Old 02-14-05, 03:43 PM
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Sounds like you're feeling pretty low right now. It must hurt terribly to feel such rejection. On the upside, you just might be better off without such a person in your life. You are very special and deserve better. I hope you have family and friends because you will need a support network. Perhaps you belong to a church where you and the kids have a sense of belonging.

There is no real need to have to explain to anyone about anything. You don't need a one liner. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce today, so it is not an uncommon situation. If someone should ask where the husband is, you can honestly say I don't know and leave it at that. You don't have to go into details.

Focus on the children. What will they tell friends & teachers? Kids usually feel shame & embarrassment. It's important that they know it is not their fault and it's o.k. to love both you and their father even if you are not together. And, it o.k. for everyone to feel sad and angry because the family is breaking up. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings and help them deal with the pain. You may need to find a counselor, minister, or someone to share your pain. The children may need counseling, too, to deal with the pain. Please constantly remind children that you and their father love them. Never say anything negative about the father to the children. And, get yourself an attorney.
 
  #4  
Old 02-15-05, 02:24 PM
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Thumbs down unbelievable...

that is just awful! i am so sorry for you and your children for what he is wanting to put you through. you may be of a very traditional Christian faith, but a man who leaves his wife and 3 children doesn't sound like a Christian family man to me! he sounds to me like a bored, middle-aged man in a rut going thru a mid-life crisis! i wouldn't be surprised if, after leaving you & the kids, he doesn't have a change of heart and come to his senses and realize how good he had it and come crawling back. maybe that's wishful thinking, but who doesn't want to be married but continues to have children and be a part of a family for 14 years? i don't understand that.

is he willing to just be separated for a while? or is he going for the full-blown divorce right away?
 
  #5  
Old 03-07-05, 10:52 PM
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My heart goes out to you. I've had it happen before, too. It isn't a nice thing.

Be honest with others. Just tell them that he no longer wants to be married. Don't automatically assume that they will think that its your fault or that you aren't worthy of having him as a husband. That is what I use to think when my first husband divorced me.

Now that time has gone by, many years, I realize that no matter what anyone thought, I was better off without him. Just recently I saw an old neighbor of mine. Chance meeting after 15 years. She was so relieved to hear that I was no longer married to him. I didn't realize that those around us saw the truth. That I was commited to the marriage 100% and that he was not. I was stuck in the 'til death do you part' while married. Kept thinking that all our problems were my fault. That if I would do this, or I would do ... well, none of it made him happy. He was just not happy being married to me. It broke my heart, but today I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't love and respect me as their life partner.

I know that it hurts. It always hurts to have someone walk out of your life that way. It makes us feel lesser of a person. Somehow unworthy. Cry at the loss of your marriage. Cry for the changes and adjustments that lay ahead of you. They are things that deem a good crying. Then stand up, stand tall and true to yourself and the kids. Know that you are a good person. You are a good mom and continue to be those things.

In time, you will find that your life is good again. That you can be happy, and all is well in your world.

Kay
 
  #6  
Old 03-18-05, 12:12 PM
teaux
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Hi all,
I have been incredibily busy lately so I'm sorry I haven't updated any of this for a while.
All my friends and family have been understanding. There never is a chance for just a "one-liner." All these people care too much for me to just make a statement then change the subject. When I'm not in the mood to talk about it I have been telling them so and they have been respecting that.
My husband and I have been getting along very well considering the situation. It is clear to me that once he dumped his choice on us he has felt relieved and therefore is acting a whole lot nicer to me which inturn keeps me from having reason to snap and b#%*& at him. Since we have been getting along he has remained in the home. That is going to change soon though. Spiritually, he is not making any "progress." I don't really know how to explain this. He always attends church, will be seen praying and such but then he isn't chnaging his mind ~ heart. I am about to tell him to leave because I can't keep explaining to the kids about this type of behavior.
My thinking is that he needs to start living with the consequenses of his decision, I don't need to be doing for him when he won't do for himself (household things) and the kids are not "getting" the reality of this because he is always home. He has been on a business trip for the last few days so tonight when he get back we will have a long talk about this. If tonight doesn't work out then I'll talk with him on Sunday afternoon but no latter that that.
Yesterday I sliced open my thigh and while waiting to get stitches in the ER I thought, "why couldn't this have been something that would have had me get admitted into the hospital?" I really would like a few days of rest, people bringing me food, the tv too myself......
 
  #7  
Old 06-20-05, 06:29 PM
boydmerrill
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I would ignor him completely. It appears he wants to leave but still have control. Dont give him any. When he wants something tell him to write it down and you will read it when you have time raising his kids. Have fun with the kids. When they ask where he is tell them he is out growing up as well. They will understand that then go on to something more important...you!

The selfish pig deserves no audience of any kind. He needs to grow up.....period! When someone asks where he is tell them is is out growing up.....hopefully. Then smile. Life is too full of fun.

A real man....and husband!
 
  #8  
Old 07-03-05, 12:27 PM
teaux
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I am hanging on to the slightest of threads, hoping that there really are "real men and husbands" out there.

Just this morning I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I made the discovery this week that he now has someone else in his life.

My heart is broken into so many pieces. Much for myself and my loss of hopes and dreams but also for my three children and all the pain they are/will be going through. I can't comprehend how a person can be so self-centered and callous.

I don't know if he knows I know. I am trying to decide how to confront him and what details I want to get. I know that I don't want nitty-gritty details but I have my children to protect and I do want to know what type of person she is.

I am going to bounce on the trampoline with my kids now.
 
  #9  
Old 09-04-05, 05:52 AM
BuiltIn78
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I never thought I'd be on this DIY site and talking about family stuff. Odd, very odd. Anyway, no matter what angle you look at the situation from, you are not at fault. Some people will never be mature enough are capable of maintaining stability. Its one of the most common things to happen, so you really can't go on feeling bad for someone else's stupidity. Sure it hurts, but only as much as you let it.

And yes, there are good husbands and fathers out there. I hope I'm one. We have our first on the way and I vowed long ago never to be like my father, married to his seventh wife now, I think. My wife's father left her family of 5 kids, running off with someone as young as his oldest. Ewwww. Anyway, needless to say, her family got over it and they don't want him to play any role in their lives. In their eyes, its what he unattentionally asked for the day he left the family, and they don't let it bother them because they know it was him, and nothing else. If anything, it just made my wife's family closer, without him in the picture. In the end, its how much you help your kids through it that will decide whether or not he got the best of you, or you got rid of the worst. If they grow up anything like a lot us, they'll realize how bad it is be like that bad example we all know.
 
 

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