ex's boyfriend smacks my daughter!!!!!
#1
02-17-07, 05:49 PM
ex's boyfriend smacks my daughter!!!!!
I have a beautiful 4 year old girl. I have joint custody with her mother. 50/50 split visitation. her mothers boyfriend babysits a lot while her mom works (24 hour shifts). Lately I have been hearing stories from my daughter that he smacks her. Once because she looked at him funny in front of his mother. And every day he makes her take a nap. If she is not tired she is forced to lay still or he will smack her butt. I immeditatly called her mom about this, she admitted to it and said she often spanks her her self and aked so what is the problem. She is very well behaved. I never spanked her ever or even can see where this would be nessicary. The boyfriend is 55 years old and the mother is 26.I am 30. He is also a drinker from what I have seen of him in public. I think he likes the idea of a young girlfriend but gets tired of watching her daughter. I have asked to trade visitation days around her work schedule but she refuses. It is all about the child support. What is the opnion of spanking, espesially when the child is well behaved. And does this jack a** have any rights to be touching my daughter? Does her mother? she cried to sleep the other night about the way they treat her. now that I have confronted her mom ,I am afraid my daughter will be punished about tell me about this. What to do? If it is ok for him to hit her for looking at him wrong........is is ok if I hit him for something He does I don't like?.... They would call the cops right, so to keep this straight: the mom ok's a 55 year old hitting a 4 year old girl......but if a 30 year old hit a 55 year old she would call the cops....see what I mean? thanks for your help.
Last edited by DIYaddict; 02-17-07 at 07:00 PM. Reason: **
#2
02-17-07, 11:10 PM
re: mom spanking the girl
as long as it is within the bounds of punishment and does not reach the level of abuse (it can be a fine line), she is within her rights.
re: the boyfriend spanking the child.
the boyfriend is a legal stranger to the child and has absolutely no rights to touch the girl.depending upon how strongly you feel about this is going to control what you do.
options: call the police, call child protective services, revisit custody in court based upon the battery upon your daughter by a legal stranger, ignore it (not on my watch)
and my favorite but illegal and just about guaranteed to get you tossed in jail: go kick the c*a* out of the old geezer and put a hurt on him he will not forget followed by a threat that he will not have to worry about much of anything short of where the relatives are going to dig the hole to put his as* in if he ever touches my daughter again.
The last suggestion is obviously illegal and surely not the correct thing to do but as a father with 2 daughters, I can assure you that is right near the top of the list of options if I were confronted with such a situation.
as long as it is within the bounds of punishment and does not reach the level of abuse (it can be a fine line), she is within her rights.
re: the boyfriend spanking the child.
the boyfriend is a legal stranger to the child and has absolutely no rights to touch the girl.depending upon how strongly you feel about this is going to control what you do.
options: call the police, call child protective services, revisit custody in court based upon the battery upon your daughter by a legal stranger, ignore it (not on my watch)
and my favorite but illegal and just about guaranteed to get you tossed in jail: go kick the c*a* out of the old geezer and put a hurt on him he will not forget followed by a threat that he will not have to worry about much of anything short of where the relatives are going to dig the hole to put his as* in if he ever touches my daughter again.
The last suggestion is obviously illegal and surely not the correct thing to do but as a father with 2 daughters, I can assure you that is right near the top of the list of options if I were confronted with such a situation.
#3
02-18-07, 06:16 AM
Nap took the words right out of my mouth. Spanking is a valid and effective training tool if used correctly. It's possible that your daughter behaves well with you because your exwife is training her where you are not so you get to enjoy the benefit while she has to correct the results of your failure when she gets her back. Just a "devils advocate" observation, for what ever it may be worth. But, that is a parents job, not a boy or girlfriends. The only thing I might add to naps thoughts would be to inform the boyfriend that you'll get out of jail before he gets out of the hospital and then the wheel chair, but that's just me and should certainly not be misconstrued as advice.
#4
02-18-07, 06:20 AM
Another tough child custody situation. A 55 year old drunk boyfriend with a 26 year old mother sounds fishy to me.
I would avoid the threat situation above, unless I thought my daughter was in serious physical danger - then you bet I would take that avenue.
If the daughter is just uncomfortable (or you are uncomfortable) with the discipline methods, I would teach her to make sure she minds her manners and does what she is told, and teach her to contact you if any specific conditions are violated - repeated spankings, physical abuse, etc.
I would also teach her about inappropriate touching and ask her to contact you if anything like that ever occurs, or if she is afraid it will occur.
I was in a situation such as this as a kid, and I do know kids can "play" one set of parents off on another (my sister was very good at it). And I also know that discipline to one set of parents can be interpreted as abuse by another. This is tough on the child, but can be moreso to the parents - just be aware of your own emotions and try to stay calm.
Good Luck
I would avoid the threat situation above, unless I thought my daughter was in serious physical danger - then you bet I would take that avenue.
If the daughter is just uncomfortable (or you are uncomfortable) with the discipline methods, I would teach her to make sure she minds her manners and does what she is told, and teach her to contact you if any specific conditions are violated - repeated spankings, physical abuse, etc.
I would also teach her about inappropriate touching and ask her to contact you if anything like that ever occurs, or if she is afraid it will occur.
I was in a situation such as this as a kid, and I do know kids can "play" one set of parents off on another (my sister was very good at it). And I also know that discipline to one set of parents can be interpreted as abuse by another. This is tough on the child, but can be moreso to the parents - just be aware of your own emotions and try to stay calm.
Good Luck
#5
02-18-07, 06:31 AM
Group Moderator
I think the first option is to see whether you and your ex can address this issue. From what you've written, I can see that's not all that likely. Next might be legal action - either bringing in the police or trying to get full custody. Satisfying as it might be to think about, beating up the boyfriend will cost you much more than you would gain - in addition to the jail time, you could very well lose custody altogether.
#6
02-18-07, 06:46 AM
indy-diy,
you seem to be missing the point that the boyfriend is in no position legally to be hitting the girl. I call the spanking hitting because since the BF has no legal position to discipline the child, it is now simply hitting and a battery committed upon another.
while I cannot advocate taking the action I would (whoopin' on the old guy for whoopin' on my kid) due to the legalities, I would still not accept another person hitting my child.
IF the mom and BF would get married, I MAY reconsider the punishment and consider it tolerable for the girls stepdad to punish her in the same manner mom does. Even then, the BF/stepdad still does not gain legal status as a guardian and is not legally entitled to punish in this manner.
Until/unless the BF/stepdad would adopt (obviously with a real dad like this and the concern he has for his daughter, this would never happen), he will always be a legal stranger and enjoy no additional privilages to whack the child as a means of punishment, regardless of what mom does.
a boyfriend is nothing more than a long term f buddy and not considered a permanent relationship.
Do you suggest that any/every BF mom has should be allowed to whack the child? I have seen moms go through several BFs every year. This would effectively amount to allowing just about anybody to whack on the child.
Not going to happen with my child.
At least if they were to marry, it would suggest a permanent relationship and it would be proper for the child to accept the stepdada as more of a permanent figure. Until it reaches that point, the BF is merely some guy that happens to share moms bed. Actually, in some cases, that, itself, is actually very damaging to a child and should be undertaken only with great care and concern for the childs welfare in mind.
Discretion can be a very important part of that type of relationship. I surely don;t want my girls growing up thinking it is ok to sleep with a man in a less than committed realtionship.
lack of marriage= lack or committment
you seem to be missing the point that the boyfriend is in no position legally to be hitting the girl. I call the spanking hitting because since the BF has no legal position to discipline the child, it is now simply hitting and a battery committed upon another.
while I cannot advocate taking the action I would (whoopin' on the old guy for whoopin' on my kid) due to the legalities, I would still not accept another person hitting my child.
IF the mom and BF would get married, I MAY reconsider the punishment and consider it tolerable for the girls stepdad to punish her in the same manner mom does. Even then, the BF/stepdad still does not gain legal status as a guardian and is not legally entitled to punish in this manner.
Until/unless the BF/stepdad would adopt (obviously with a real dad like this and the concern he has for his daughter, this would never happen), he will always be a legal stranger and enjoy no additional privilages to whack the child as a means of punishment, regardless of what mom does.
a boyfriend is nothing more than a long term f buddy and not considered a permanent relationship.
Do you suggest that any/every BF mom has should be allowed to whack the child? I have seen moms go through several BFs every year. This would effectively amount to allowing just about anybody to whack on the child.
Not going to happen with my child.
At least if they were to marry, it would suggest a permanent relationship and it would be proper for the child to accept the stepdada as more of a permanent figure. Until it reaches that point, the BF is merely some guy that happens to share moms bed. Actually, in some cases, that, itself, is actually very damaging to a child and should be undertaken only with great care and concern for the childs welfare in mind.
Discretion can be a very important part of that type of relationship. I surely don;t want my girls growing up thinking it is ok to sleep with a man in a less than committed realtionship.
lack of marriage= lack or committment
#7
02-18-07, 07:49 AM
thank you
Thanks I really appriciate your thoughts and advice. I have contacted my lawyer and he agree's he has no right to touch her, but the mom does. but what I lack is prof he is doing it.Maybe her mom doesn't relize he has no legal right. Now thanks to your advice I can inform her of that. I disipline her many ways without hitting her. We have a rule sheet posted right in our living room. It just has basic rule's like no hitting,no yelling, share toys ect. if the rules are broken there are concequence's like time in the naughty chair, or a few minutes in her room.Little things get warning's first and if she continues then room time to think about what she did. It is not just a free for all. She has a level of respect for me as her father and an adult without having to be afraid I will be hurting her in any way. I belive She behaves well because of the way she is treated here with me and her mom and the boyfriend just smack because it is the easiest way to make her act as they want without putting much thought or effort into it. When I say she is well behaved I meant she doesen't run around lighting things on fire or beating the hell out of everyone. But when you have to spank over the slightest thing then you are over reacting. I say this because the stupid Lazy law guardian pulled the same way of thinking " well the kid behaves......so the mom must be doing a good job....bs.. maybe the dad was doing a good job. so that is how I ended up with joint custody with a abusive mother. I went to the store and bought a dry erase board and will be giving it to the boyfriend and telling him about making simple rules to follow and hitting her is not allowed.Thanks
#8
02-18-07, 02:23 PM
If the mom ok's it, then sorry, but he can discipline the child.
As for the forced nap time, go to any school and children her age are more than likely forced to nap. I went to private school and we had forced naps up till the EIGHTH GRADE.
As for the forced nap time, go to any school and children her age are more than likely forced to nap. I went to private school and we had forced naps up till the EIGHTH GRADE.
#9
02-18-07, 04:54 PM
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Do not discuss this any further with them! Not another word.
Call your lawyer; arrange for a court order physical and psychological evaluation IMMEDIATELY after you pick her up for the next visitation. It will be best legally if you are not alone with her from pick-up to evaluation, so there will be no possibility you could coach her.
If you discuss this further with her mother, the girl may be intimidated, so she will not be frank about the abuse.
Do NOT challenge mom's right to spank; make quite clear that your concern is with the BF. After all, your little darlin' could be a holy terrror with mom, mom may be overstating her use of corporal punishment to protect the BF, and some courts do not trust any accusation one parent makes against another.
And things may not be as bad as your think. It takes kids time to warm up to their parents' new parteners. And for adults to warm up to other people's kids. [It is possible that the little angel is being a sulky little brat that would try the patience of a saint while mom is at work.]
The best thing for everyone would be if BF went through 'parenting class'. If necessary, all four of the adults should go; if nothing else, it will get you on the same page. Like having an hour [or two] of 'down time' for the child every afternoon, without making it a punishment or a nap.
My take on corporal punishment? It means the adult lost control.
[Unless the child did something very dangerous, like reached for a pot of boiling water, leaned out of a third floor window, or annoyed a rottwheiler.]
Do not resort to threats of violence unless you want supervised visitation until she is sixteen.
[Enroll her in karate and track, so if he ever hits her again, she can nail him most effectively, and run away.]
Call your lawyer; arrange for a court order physical and psychological evaluation IMMEDIATELY after you pick her up for the next visitation. It will be best legally if you are not alone with her from pick-up to evaluation, so there will be no possibility you could coach her.
If you discuss this further with her mother, the girl may be intimidated, so she will not be frank about the abuse.
Do NOT challenge mom's right to spank; make quite clear that your concern is with the BF. After all, your little darlin' could be a holy terrror with mom, mom may be overstating her use of corporal punishment to protect the BF, and some courts do not trust any accusation one parent makes against another.
And things may not be as bad as your think. It takes kids time to warm up to their parents' new parteners. And for adults to warm up to other people's kids. [It is possible that the little angel is being a sulky little brat that would try the patience of a saint while mom is at work.]
The best thing for everyone would be if BF went through 'parenting class'. If necessary, all four of the adults should go; if nothing else, it will get you on the same page. Like having an hour [or two] of 'down time' for the child every afternoon, without making it a punishment or a nap.
My take on corporal punishment? It means the adult lost control.
[Unless the child did something very dangerous, like reached for a pot of boiling water, leaned out of a third floor window, or annoyed a rottwheiler.]
Do not resort to threats of violence unless you want supervised visitation until she is sixteen.
[Enroll her in karate and track, so if he ever hits her again, she can nail him most effectively, and run away.]
#10
02-18-07, 06:11 PM
Originally Posted by Pendragon
If the mom ok's it, then sorry, but he can discipline the child.
As for the forced nap time, go to any school and children her age are more than likely forced to nap. I went to private school and we had forced naps up till the EIGHTH GRADE.
As for the forced nap time, go to any school and children her age are more than likely forced to nap. I went to private school and we had forced naps up till the EIGHTH GRADE.
The local courts will flavor the outcome of any action but requesting the cessation of corporal punishment by a legal stranger is not uncommon or out of line and is often addressed by the courts to disalllow it.
I wouldn;t get into a pissing match with the ex or the ex's current goodtime. I would simply involve CPS or file to revisit visitation and the rules and specifically request a no spanking order be placed to dissallow any spanking by a non-parent.
by Pendragons belief, 37 guys a week can spank the child as long as mom says it's ok. Let the courts decide.
#11
02-18-07, 08:26 PM
As I understand it the boyfriend is left to babysit the girl and he was brought up to believe that spanking is OK. That doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. The guy grew up in a time where spanking was OK.
If prouddad thinks that's wrong, then he should discuss it with his Ex. If it's abuse he should take care of it.
Having been in the situation as a child, I'll stand by my advice.
If prouddad thinks that's wrong, then he should discuss it with his Ex. If it's abuse he should take care of it.
Having been in the situation as a child, I'll stand by my advice.
Last edited by the_tow_guy; 02-20-07 at 05:05 AM. Reason: Removed confrontational language
#12
02-19-07, 04:49 PM
I don't care if the guy believes spanking is OK or not. OP has already stated he does not spank his child and does not want his child spanked. He can;t stop the mom nut he can argue against the ex's BF spanking.
He already spoke to the ex.
Now he needs to expore his options to get somebody to stop hitting his child.
While the courts MAY allow it, there is also the possibility they frown upon it as well.
I also suggested revisiting the custody situation and there he can request that the judge order there be no corporal punichment by an outsider.
He already spoke to the ex.
Now he needs to expore his options to get somebody to stop hitting his child.
While the courts MAY allow it, there is also the possibility they frown upon it as well.
I also suggested revisiting the custody situation and there he can request that the judge order there be no corporal punichment by an outsider.
Last edited by the_tow_guy; 02-20-07 at 05:06 AM. Reason: Removed confrontational language
